Official BFP

August 31, 2010

It’s official. My bloodwork shows a beta HCG level of 90. That’s a solid number for a singleton (although it doesn’t rule out twins) at 14dpo / 11dpt3dt. Now we just have to wait and see if it increases appropriately. I think it will. Based on when I got the first faint positive and the sensitivity of that test I thought my beta would be at around 80 yesterday – and I was thankfully right.

Let the waiting continue!

I have so many cliches swimming around in my head right now. “Take one day at a time.” And in the immortal words of Renee Zellweger (a.k.a. Gina) in Empire Records, “Don’t screw it up.”

And I’ve already had one minor screw up. Unfortunately I think I gave Right Guy a mini heart attack yesterday when I shared the news. He’s difficult to get a hold of – I can’t really just pick up the phone and call him – so after I sent him an email with all the details I also sent him a quick text page that just said “beta HCG = 90”. What he received was “beta HCG 0”. Being a Dude he only admitted to being confused by it and not upset. But I’m sure he was upset. Hopefully I can avoid that with tomorrow’s number.


Um… BFP???

August 28, 2010

Confession: I’m an obsessive POASer (that’s a person who pees on a stick A LOT for those not in the know – please don’t judge). I bought these several months ago so I could POAS as much as I wanted without worrying about cost. I started at 6dp3dt (6 days past 3 day transfer). I started then because I had forgotten to test a few days earlier to make sure the trigger (HCG) shot was out of my system. I wanted to know for sure that it was gone so I could rely on a positive result later if I got one. And I knew that 6dt3dt was too early. And it was negative as expected.

But I had opened Pandora’s box. So when I realized that the next day (7dp3dt) was 10 dpo… I just had to test again. Supposedly that is the absolute earliest the most sensitive home test can turn up positive. A few days before I had an upward shift on my BBT chart. I also got a cold sore which I haven’t had in at least a year if not two. My chronic sinus infection got worse despite the prophylactic antibiotics I was on the week before for IVF. I just felt like implantation had occurred a few days before and there was a little one sucking up all my energy. So there was a chance of a positive. But keep in mind all this happened at the same time Pops went back in the hospital. So I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t stress-induced.

What I got was what appeared to be negative at first. But later looked like such a faint positive that I thought I was imagining it. I compared it to the stick from the day before and sure enough it seemed like there was something there – not even really a line, but a pink something. But it couldn’t really be called a positive. Right Guy even confirmed that I was not seeing things. So I figured the next day, 8dp3dt, it would either be darker or it would be gone and the first one was a faulty stick. No such luck. Again, there was the faintest of lines. Definitely not darker. If anything it was harder to see. But this time I used a back up FRER to confirm. Negative.

That was yesterday. When I got home last night that FRER had turned positive. That’s not technically considered a positive since it didn’t show up in the designated timeframe. But it definitely seems to indicate a BFP.

Which brings us to this morning. 9dt3dt or 12 dpo. I now have 3 different brands of tests with faint lines on them. The lines are still faint but definitely darker than yesterday. Dare I hope that this is it?

I’m in a state of disbelief. I don’t think I ever truly allowed myself to believe this day would come. And there’s still many hoops to jump through – several beta tests, ultrasound to look for a heartbeat, etc. I’ve learned all this from my Tweeps on Twitter. I know what to expect.

Right Guy has not wavered in his belief that I am pregnant. He’s been sure about it since transfer day when we found out we had good quality embryos. Which has completely robbed me of the opportunity to surprise him with the results. I’m kind of bummed about that.

Now we just have to wait and see if my betas are OK and if so, do they indicate twins or not. Right Guy very definitely does NOT want twins. Admittedly, twins would be a logistical nightmare. If I make it through this pregnancy, moving across the country with one infant will be hard enough. But I can’t help but think about TWINS with a smile. 🙂

I’m really apprehensive about putting this out there so early. What if I’m wrong? (Realistically, how could I be wrong at this point? I’ve never ever seen a faint line before, let alone on 3 different tests.) What if it’s chemical? What if I miscarry? What if it’s ectopic? Why can’t I just enjoy this freaking moment? It’s SO NOT how I imagined it.

The train has pulled back in the station and let me off. I have been deposited in Crazyville.

Crazyville is the place where I can’t tell intuition from wishful thinking. I stare at my BBT chart willing it to tell me something. I poke at my boobs to see if they are sore (of course they are – I keep poking them!). I pull up my shirt and stare at them looking for signs (I swear they look veiny and that would be new – something I’ve never had before). I POAS way too early because maybe it *might* give me a positive and put a merciful end to my agony.

It’s 10dpo and I do indeed have symptoms. Almost all of them are ones I’ve had before: nausea, sensitive/sore boobs/nipples, gassy, heartburn, constipation, etc. So rationally I know they probably don’t mean anything. But they could. The only one that seems new are the veiny boobs. But I can’t tell if I’m imagining them. At this point it would not surprise me in the least if I was having psychosomatic symptoms. I really feel completely crazy.

Just a few more days. Man, I really don’t deal well with not knowing.
Dear Universe, Can I just sleep through the next few days and wake up pregnant? Puhleez? Kthanxbai.

The Rabbit Died

July 1, 2010

“The rabbit died,” she whispers into the phone.
Her husband didn’t have to be told, he knew what that meant, there was a bun in the oven!
Read more

dead plush rabbitOK, so NO, I’m not pregnant. That I know of. Yet. But during this two week wait I’ve been thinking a lot about how much we all whine about the two week wait and how lucky we are that it’s only two weeks. Don’t get me wrong – I get as crazy as or crazier than the next woman during this time. I POAS (pee on a stick) more than I should. I ask Dr. Google way too many stupid questions. But geez. What if we didn’t have those sticks to pee on? What if we had to kill a rabbit to find out? What if you’re a member of PETA and you had to kill a rabbit to find out? What would you do? How desperate would you be? What about before the rabbit test? What did you do then? Was life just a constant episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant?

Apparently not. I found this History of the Pregnancy Test. As far as I can tell, pregnancy tests throughout the ages have generally involved peeing on (or in) something. Long ago, it wasn’t sticks – apparently it was wheat or barley. In the Middle Ages some bright (or maybe not so bright?) soul decided that mixing the urine with wine would indicate… something. So Ladies, I propose we all take a moment to thank modern science for those sticks we pee on. And then we can go back to whining about the wait.