October 4, 2010
So… in general I think I’m a pretty good person. I try to be nice to people. Most of the time. But I’m no saint. I don’t do a lot of things I think I should – like volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving. I’m just a generally nice person but not one of those people I might classify as “Do Gooders” – those people who are ALWAYS giving themselves to the greater good. I’m not THAT nice. I’m just regular nice. I’m a good friend but I don’t often help strangers. I’ve never paid for the ticket of the person in line behind me (although that happened to a friend of mine).
I’m not religious at all… I’m actually atheist. But I do believe in that biblical phrase “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” To me that’s just logical. If you want to be treated well (and we all do, don’t we?), then you should be nice to others. It’s kind of a no-brainer. I don’t do it out of fear of the consequences (Hell) or because I think I need to earn entrance in to Heaven. I don’t believe in all that. I believe that we get the one life and we should make the most of it. And I like the concept of karma – although I’m not entirely sure I really believe in it. I don’t really believe in any Higher Power or any particular doctrine.
But that’s not what this post is supposed to be about. Although I now fear the comments I will get for admitting to being an atheist. Cringe.
What I really want to write about is this: Why is it that when I am MOST in need of people being nice TO ME, most in need of others’ help, I feel the need to reach out and do good? Right now, for some reason, it seems that helping other people helps me. Maybe it’s just because it takes my mind off my troubles. Or maybe it’s because it puts my troubles in perspective – things could always be worse. Or maybe I’m just really really selfish and it simply makes me FEEL GOOD. I think it somehow replenishes my energy reserves. And those reserves are practically empty. So I feel a NEED to do GOOD. Bizarre, no?
I don’t really understand it. All I know is that I feel the need to be more supportive than usual to my tweeps and my IRL friends and family. Maybe that’s because I want to repay them for the support they are giving me but I think it’s more than that. I had planned on giving away some of my leftover meds and tests but now I feel an overwhelming NEED to do so. I want to make sure that the meds don’t go to waste – they are far too valuable – both monetarily (and I didn’t even pay for all of them, I inherited some) as well as what they represent. If things can’t/don’t work out for me then at least I can try to help make it happen for someone else.
[Please note that most of the meds I have to give away are already spoken for at this point]
I guess I just need to hold on to hope. Even if I’ve lost hope for myself I still need to believe that there is hope out there in the world. And Joy. The joy of finally becoming a mother to baby Jayden allowed @WaitingLisa to boost me up when I was most down. I can’t create the joy – it has to just happen. But I can contribute to the hope. I can offer my support, kind words and maybe some free meds to those in need. Maybe if I put some hope out there in the world I will eventually find my way back to hoping for myself.
And, although I hope to help some people, I reserve the right to switch gears at any moment and go back to whining and wallowing. 😉 There’s no way I could possibly be done with that phase. I think I’m just going to be a walking pendulum for awhile – swinging back and forth on the emotional spectrum.
July 22, 2010
My pal Two Week Wait has returned. Her last visit was cut rather short (mercifully I suppose) so I’m not sure how well I’ll handle this one. I will likely be a basket case and take another trip to CrazyTown.
I have so much hope for this cycle. For the first time I had multiple follies so the chances that one of them is good are increased. I’ve decided I have to hold on to hope to get me through this. But I’m also very aware that that hope may be setting me up for a big fall. Having hope makes this roller coaster a crazier ride. It’s the hope that makes the highs higher and the lows lower. In the past I had tried not to hope because I wanted off this crazy ride. I’m an even keeled person by nature and although I love a good roller coaster in real life, emotional roller coasters make me crazy. Not that anyone enjoys them, but I think I am particularly susceptible to them because it is so far out of the norm for me.
But nobody ever got pregnant thinking negative thoughts (or maybe they did, I don’t know). So I’ve decided to stay positive. Which unfortunately means I will obsess more. If I hold on to hope then I will over analyze every fake symptom. It’s only when I give up on hope that I’m able to ignore it. Catch 22.
My hope has been waning, however. My temps are just not as high as I think they should be. I’m almost positive I really did ovulate. But my temps still are not above 98. It makes me wonder if there’s not some other issue at play here. Last month my temps were low too. So I had my progesterone checked. It was 14. So I’m not worried about the progesterone being too low – 14 is a good number. But I’m still worried that something else is wrong. Good thing I have a therapy appt today. 😉
Must. Stop. Obsessing.
July 15, 2010
My ovaries are like an easy bake oven – slow to cook. It’s like trying to bake chocolate chip cookies at 200 F – it takes a little longer.
I had my CD12 ultrasound yesterday. By the RE’s definition it was CD12. By my definition it was CD13. But whatever. I was ecstatic to learn that I had 9 antral follicles! Nine! That’s the most I’ve ever had at any one time on an ultrasound. Obviously, most of them aren’t anywhere near maturity rendering them irrelevant for this cycle. But I’m just happy to know that there are still a few eggs left in my basket. Or maybe slightly more than a few.
I was also happy to learn that my right ovary is taking lead this month. I’m not sure I’ve ovulated from that side yet so I wanted to give her a chance. <superstition> And that’s Kokopelli’s ovary . </superstition> I think I’ll refer to the right ovary as Koko from now on. Koko has TWO contenders this month. Yesterday I had one follie at 14.5 and another at 15.4. Assuming they continue to grow at the same rate they should release together. That will increase my odds that ONE of them will be good – or make me eat my words about how I won’t have twins. I’d be OK with either outcome.
Lefty had a follie at 10.5 and two other smaller ones. There were also and additional 4 smaller ones on Koko. So it seems I’m improving on quantity. And size. The last Clomid cycle only yielded two follicles, one at 10 and the other at 11 on CD12. One of them eventually released on it’s own but it was considered a failed response. This time it’s not a failure. Just a slow bake. This time they aren’t cancelling the trigger shot – just delaying it a bit. I’ll trigger this weekend for a ~CD17/18 ovulation.
They gave me the option of going back in for another ultrasound tomorrow to confirm that the follies are continuing to mature but I decided to skip that. The doc didn’t really think it would matter much. In retrospect I’m questioning that decision. If I trigger and they’re not mature, the eggs won’t be viable and I won’t get pregnant. If they’re not mature and I wait for them to release on their own maybe they’d be viable. But then I run the risk of ovulating while Right Guy is working nights next week. I can’t say I’m a fan of either option. So I think I’ll just follow the plan and hope for the best.
July 9, 2010
What a fun topic we have this week! Unfortunately I’m going to have to torture you with the back story before you get to the pic.
Back in college, while I was researching my senior thesis on Slave Folktales (I was a history major before I became a tech geek), I had the opportunity to read folktales from England/Europe, Africa and Native American tribes. The American slave folktales took elements from each culture. It was the Native American tales that fascinated me and I read several from various tribes in the southwestern U.S. that had a common character: Kokopelli. If you’ve lived in or traveled to that area you’ve definitely seen him. And if not, you’ve probably also seen him.
In all of these tales I read kokopelli was portrayed as this happy-go-lucky trickster who danced around playing his flute and moved from one village to the next playing tricks and generally making merry. Most of his tricks were funny but some were not. He was a bit of a rogue and liked to do things his own way. In any case, I fell in love with the idea of this music-loving free spirit who danced around happily all the time without a care in the world.
Fast forward a few years. After contemplating a tattoo for several years, and in particular this tattoo, I decided that if I still liked the idea after all that time then I should do it. So I did. It ended up being a little larger than I intended and not located quite where I originally envisioned. The tattoo artist was a friend and he talked me in to tweaking a bit. As I was laying on the table having him ink me, a coworker walked in and said, “Cool. Kokopelli. Fertility God.” I did a double take. Wha? Fertility God? WhatchutalkinboutWillis? I had always seen him portrayed as a trickster. At the time, I was embarrassed to think someone might think I was getting a fertility tattoo. Although I was secretly OK with it because I had endometriosis and knew I might one day have fertility issues when the time came. But that time hadn’t yet come.
I have since come across countless other people who have learned of him as being a symbol of fertility. Over the years I vehemently defended my reasoning that he was a trickster. Yes, some of his tricks were impregnating women (often women who were not being successfully impregnated by their husbands) but those were just a few of his many tricks so why is it that he’s remembered only for that? I have no idea. It seems he is both. See wikipedia for more info. What I do know is that I am no longer embarrassed for people to think my tattoo is a fertility symbol – because I’m trying to get pregnant. And a small, silly, superstitious part of me hopes my tattoo (located near my right ovary) will help. The trickster appealed to me in my 20s. The fertility god appeals to me now. Can anyone else say that their tattoo has evolved with them over the years?
This tattoo is now 11 years old and still my only one. And I still love it. Over the years I keep saying I want to get another. And maybe I still will. But it’s hard to top this one (not in quality but in meaning). I know in general what I want my next one to be but I’m not sure where to put it and I haven’t seen a design I love. I’d like a fox. Not a vamped up vixen sexy tat. Not an airbrushed looking realistic fox. Not an overly cartoony or cutesy fox. Just a fox. Maybe in color or maybe just an outline or a tribal-like representation of a fox. But it can’t look too much like the stupid Fox Racing logo. And although I like the Firefox logo I don’t want a tat of a browser. Feel free to send me any fox images you might find that would look good as a tattoo. And thanks in advance.