Stepping Back

May 23, 2014

I will never carry a baby.

I will never feel a baby kick me from the inside.

Right Guy will never feel my belly move with his child.

[Food babies? Yes. Real babies? No.]

But I’ve already dealt with this, you say?

No. Not completely.

When I had the hysterectomy I knew what I was giving up. But I also had the promise and hope of surrogacy. So while I knew that I was giving up first hand experience… I was still hoping to have all those experiences second hand…through B.

But now.

All that is gone.

And I am left with grief.

Which was expected. My inability to deal with said grief was not expected, however.

still processing


The State of the Fox

December 11, 2012

The state of the Fox is not so good right now. OK, so nothing horrible(squared) has happened. But there’s enough horrible and a healthy dose of annoying to make the Fox fly off the handle lately.

In the last 2 weeks the following have occurred:

  • A friend died. Suddenly. He wasn’t a close friend but he was a good guy always willing to help out. I can’t count how many times he ‘fixed’ my toilet after I bought my first house. But I hadn’t spoken to him in 2+ years – not since before my move and before my father got really sick. He died suddenly. Unexpectedly. In his home. I have not yet heard a cause of death so I have to start wondering if the rumors of suicide are true. Despite the fact that I know he used to work a suicide hotline in a former life. WTF? I don’t want to ask the person I know would know because I know it would upset him further.
  • I went to a meet up. By myself. It turned out to be a bit of a meat market but I met a girl (who was hoping to meet a guy). I’m trying like hell to make friends in this new town of mine. And I thought I had. We clicked. She has a niece and nephew and two cats and is also new to this town. We left the meet up and had dinner, exchanged phone numbers, texted a couple times to make sure the phone numbers worked… and then…nothing. No further response from her. I suck at life.
  • My bossy boss (the highest up boss) decided that I should not be allowed to work remotely more often than one day every other week. Despite the fact that 80% of my job can be done from anywhere at any time of day. He sees it as a seniority thing. My coworker is senior so she can work remotely once a week. One of the reasons I chose my profession is because it is flexible and can be done from anywhere. I would have had to quit my old job if they had not been so flexible when I had ectopic #1 followed by Pops’ cancer #3. All this time (almost a year) I thought that all this scrupulous keeping track of employees was a federal thing – no. It’s due to the boss. That’s a culture I don’t want to be a part of.
  • And now my uncle has died and was apparently quite adamant about not wanting a funeral. Of any kind. No funeral, no memorial, no wake. And so I have to grieve 3000 miles away by myself (almost, Bro is here) while the rest of the family gather on Xmas (well the 23rd) to remember him. I could have dropped everything, paid twice the normal fare and flown back East for a funeral. But I already have other plane tickets purchased for Xmas. WTF? For everyone else (besides Bro) it’s just a matter of an hour or two in the car. They can get back to their regularly scheduled Xmas plans pretty easily. Why are we the red-headed step-children? I’m starting to understand why Bro has been absent from so many family functions over the years. They don’t schedule them at times when he has any hope of attending. And then they criticize him for not coming. I am just SO pissed at my cousin right now.

So to recap… I’m gonna have to start looking for a new job since I can’t work for someone who doesn’t value me appropriately. Hopefully no more friends will die but, let’s be honest, the generation before me is all in their 70s and my family doesn’t have the best genes – or at least the men don’t. They’re gonna start dropping like flies.

And then there’s that looming FET.

FET#2. That I’m not quite committed to. Because it’s ├╝ber scary.

My therapist’s homework for me this week was to call my old clinic and ask about transporting the frosties to determine whether I’m comfortable moving them out here. I called the old clinic yesterday. And again today. A message has been sent to the lab. In my previous experience, it takes the lab 2 weeks to return phone calls.

My other homework was to talk to my boss about this working remotely nonsense. My immediate boss is cool with it – it’s his boss that is not so much. I did that today and found out about the aforementioned culture.

So… homework done.

All I wanted was a Pepsi...  And she wouldn't give it to me!

All I wanted was a Pepsi… And she wouldn’t give it to me!

But I still suck at life. And I’m still sad. And pissed.

I Am the FaceToday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. There is also a campaign for ‘coming out’ called I Am The Face.

I never knew this. But now that I have lost a pregnancy I have been propelled into this whole new world. Given that the loss is still technically in progress I’m not really sure how I feel about all this. My last beta HCG was at ~2200. So I have another week or two most likely until I get down to zero. My loss is not yet complete.

Consequently I’m not done with the grieving process. Truthfully I’m not even sure I’ve really started it.

So what do I do today? Do I mark this day as significant for me? It’s difficult to participate in a “remembrance” when I’m still in the middle of it. There’s no remembering involved – I’m still living it. But I can send hugs and good karma out there to all those other who are remembering their lost little ones today.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a religious person so I will not refer to my loss as “angel babies.” The ectopic was discovered at 6w6d although the HCG continued to climb until 7w5d. HCG will probably return to zero somewhere around what would have been 12 wks. So I can’t say exactly when the loss occurred. I don’t know if it was a boy or girl or even if it was one or both embryos that implanted (they suspect it might have been both and I kind of feel the same). So I can’t name him/her/them. It also just feels wrong to me to give them real names.

So what do I call them? Even though I can’t “remember” them right now (since they are kind of still with me) I will want to in the future (I assume). I also feel like the grieving process might move along better/faster if I have something to call them. Sticking with the “sea monkey” nick name somehow seems inappropriate, but so does giving it/them a real name. Something in the middle seems right. But what is between “sea monkey” and “George”? (George is a completely randomly picked name, BTW). I need a non-gender-specific and non-singular/non-plural word.

Or maybe I’m making it overly complicated as a subconscious way to avoid it. That kind of sounds like me.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Input is welcome.

Right now all I’ve got is “my little gems.” Gems are precious, beautiful and often expensive. Kind of fits. Or maybe I should pick a specific gem. Emerald is the birthstone for May (when they would have been due). Maybe I should get a piece of jewelry with the chosen gemstone(s) to commemorate he/she/them. ????