October 9, 2013
The start of October included a flurry of surrogacy activity.
The (our?) gestational carrier had her first appointment with the RE. This is getting real!
The very next day, Right Guy and I positively ROCKED our visit with the social worker. We are officially declared sane and ready to move forward. I’ll probably write more on that later.
Apparently the appointment for the GC with the RE (alphabet soup anyone?) prompted the GC to come out of her closet. You see, in case you don’t follow either of us on Twitter or somehow missed last Friday’s Twittersplosion, the GC and I first met on Twitter and she is one of us (an Infertile in case you’re confused).
This helps me immensely as I’ve been struggling a lot with how to refer to her anonymously. People talk about “my accountant” or “her husband” using possessive language ALL the time. But that just feels incredibly wrong to me. This person, this awesome woman, is her own being. She may carry MY baby but she is not, and never will be, MY gestational carrier. I don’t control her or give her orders.
I haven’t asked her permission to link to her Twitter or blog from here and I don’t wish to ‘expose’ her any more than she chooses. But since she outed herself I think I can now just call her “B” on this blog (as opposed to GC).
But back to this possessive pronoun business…what do you think? Am I being overly PC? How else do you refer to people in your life with whom you have relationships? I don’t know why this one seems different to me. I say “my brother” all the time. But to say “my carrier” just sounds… wrong to me.
August 10, 2013
So far, I have to say, that all this surrogacy stuff just makes me feel the need to think about the unthinkable. There are a lot of good, happy thoughts and hope floating around in my head as well, but each new step I take seems to bring a new, and heavy, topic to consider.
What if our surrogate dies, or loses body parts/function due to unforeseen pregnancy complications? I had thought that this scenario would be the most complicated thing I’d have to think about (other than what to do about genetic abnormalities with the baby). But the truth is, it’s been thought about before and there are all sorts of legal options for addressing this issue in the contract. It’s not like we’re the first people to enter in to a surrogacy contract. It’s standard practice to take out a life insurance policy on the surrogate, payable to her family, for the time period of the pregnancy and, in some cases, for years afterwards. Not that this lessens the horrible-ness or unthinkable-ness of this in any way, just that there are existing resources to address the situation.
But it was recently brought to my attention that this is not the only “unthinkable” scenario that I need to consider in advance. What happens if our surrogate gets pregnant and then Right Guy and I both die in a car crash before the baby is born? Who gets the baby?
This is something that every parent has to think about at some point. But usually not until AFTER the baby is born. We now have to think about it beforehand. It’s very surreal to think about who would get a baby that you don’t even have yet.
I know the odds are against anything horrible happening to any of us, but it has to be considered. And somehow, who would get an infant seems a slightly different question from who would get a 5 year old. Or a 10 year old. For example, a grandparent might be appropriate for an older child but probably not an infant. A newborn wouldn’t have already bonded with genetic family.
We also have to think about what would happen to our embabies if we died before transferring them. Somehow this question has never been asked of me before now. The embabies are three years old this month. In THREE years no one has ever asked me this (until now). Who gets the embies versus who gets an infant are VERY DIFFERENT questions.
And now my head hurts.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that I have this opportunity but there’s a lot of thought to be done about things I didn’t really anticipate. And so I am glad that we are baby-stepping our way to surrogacy.
June 5, 2013
“Turn left at the fork in the road”
Which way is left? Adoption… or Surrogacy????
This crazy road trip called INFERTILITY has somehow left us with no map or directions but two frozen embryos from a surprise IVF almost three years ago that my scary uterus can’t grow for nine months. [Wow, that’s a lot of numbers for one sentence]
We’ve spent the last YEAR AND A HALF in LIMBO waiting to see if my docs would clear me to TTC (in any fashion). We were working towards a May FET that got postponed to June and then cancelled entirely. Stick a fork in my uterus – she’s done.
But… we still have embryos from that surprise IVF. Having them makes this decision a bit easier.
What makes it even more of a no brainer is that we’ve received an offer from a potential gestational carrier. [Yes, this is why I have not been freaking out and spewing more vomit lately. And, Yes, I’ve been holding out on you.] I believe it’s a sincere and viable offer. There’s been no paperwork or medical/psych exams or anything. We haven’t signed on with any agency.
There’s just this INCREDIBLE offer on the table made by an AMAZING woman. [And an opportunity to end this infernal Limbo]
A chance to give life to my embabies. Life they want badly. Go check them out at @BunSeekingOven. My kids are hysterical. 😉