A Bitchy Conversation

June 15, 2012

So. The jury is still out. As expected. Today’s OPK was darker than last night’s. But lighter than yesterday midday. So EITHER last night’s stick was faulty OR we’re in the same game as usual.
Which goes something like this:

CD1-12
FSH: Yo, Ovaries! What’s up?
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
FSH: Um… hello? Am I talking to myself? Let me raise the volume so you can hear me.
Ovaries: zzzzz…Is someone calling us?…zzzzzz
FSH: Wake the fuck up!
Ovaries-Lefty:zzzz…What? Huh? Hey Righty, why don’t you answer that?…zzzzz
Ovaries-Righty: zzzz… What? Why should I? YOU answer it. I’m tired…zzzzz
FSH: Will somebody please answer the fucking phone!?!?!?!
Righty: zzzz… Meh. OK, FSH, calm down. Don’t get your panties in a wad. I’ll work on it.
Lefty: zzz…Wonderful. I’m going back to sleep…zzzz
FSH: Finally! You some lazy ass bitches down there!

CD12-21ish

LH: Knock, knock.
Righty: lalalalalalala I can’t hear anything.
LH: Hey Righty, what’s going on?
Righty: I’m making eggs right now, come back later.
LH: Hhmmm… But I want some eggs.
Righty: So?
LH: Like, right now.
Righty: Sorry, you can’t have any. They’re not ready yet.
LH: What the fuck is taking so long?
Righty: Hey LH, Imma let you finish and all but right now… STFU! I said LATER!
LH: *sniffle* OK, I’ll come back later. *slinks off crying*

CD18ish-23ish

LH: I’m baaaaaack!
Righty: I’m still cooking.
LH: I don’t give a shit. I came for eggs and I’m getting one.
Righty: Fine. Here. Take this one. It *might* be ready. Hope you don’t get salmonella, asshole.

And this is how my body achieves ovulation. Which is at least better than two years ago when the conversation was more like this:

FSH: Yo, Ovaries! What’s up?
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
FSH: Um… hello? Am I talking to myself? Let me raise the volume so you can hear me.
Ovaries: zzzzz
FSH: OK, I’m cranking this shit to 11. Or maybe even 16.
Ovaries: zzzzz
FSH: WTF, I give up.
LH: Man, FSH, you give up too easily.
LH: HEY OVARIES!!!!! Trick or Treat?!?!
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
LH: Trick then. I’m cranking this shit to 300!
Me: Totally think I’m ovulating because OPK says so.
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Me: Goddamnit. Time to take the progesterone.

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So… I haven’t posted in awhile. I think I start every post these days with an apology for being a bad blogger/tweep. Such is life. I’m busy. As in BUSY. Working full time, packing, planning a move that I won’t be able to make with Right Guy, taking care of Pops… I hate not being able to plan anything. Right Guy will be moving (as will our stuff) next month. I will likely move in with Pops. At present it seems like he may hang on for awhile. Which is good and bad. It’s great to still have him around but I can’t start my new life in Seattle until he’s gone. Bittersweet whirlwind of emotions. But that’s not what I want to write about today. Today I’m back to all things infertile and medical.

As I mentioned in my last post my last MRI showed that my uterus appears to be healing itself. Slowly. So I probably won’t need surgery. But I’m still benched from TTC/FET. However, that MRI also revealed lots of antral follicles. More than I’ve ever had according to my RE. I didn’t ask for an exact count. So she retested my AMH. My AMH was 0.1. Now it is 0.9. That is not supposed to be possible. Under other circumstances perhaps you would assume that one of the results was incorrect. Except that all other indications agreed with the results at the time. When my AMH was 0.1 I had 2 antral follicles, an FSH of 16 and severe hot flashes/night sweats. Now that’s 0.9 I have (presumably) >13 antral follicles and I’ve now been off my estrogen patches for 10 days. That’s the grand experiment. Will the hot flashes return without the estrogen? I’ve been more or less OK until today. There have been a few moments that may have been hot flashes or may just have been the 90 degree weather or the fact that Pops keeps his house at 80+ degrees. But this morning… no denying it: hot flash. But no night sweats. So that’s good. Those are the worst. I think I will try to stay off the estrogen for this cycle (assuming I HAVE a cycle) and then have my FSH tested on CD3 next month.

In conclusion [I feel like I’m writing a 3rd grade essay but I’m really only now getting to my point], in the grand scheme of things I’ve been getting lots of GOOD news lately. And I recognize that. So please don’t think I’m too whiny. All this good news is somewhat disconcerting because it defies logic. AMH is not supposed to go up. Pops is supposed to be getting worse, not better. Even when it’s good news it can throw you for a loop. It changes your reality. It was easier to plan next steps with the bad news. Now it’s impossible to plan anything. It’s like an interminable two week wait. You have no idea whether you’ll be able to attend that “kegger” because you might be preggo. 😉 Well, I have no idea where I’m going to be living or working in 2 months. Or whether I’ll have health insurance. I have no idea whether Pops will still be alive next week let alone 2 months from now. So I can’t plan a trip or even commit to an event more than a week in advance.

Oy. I just want to plan SOMETHING. So I plan to POAS for the first time in a long time. I guess I’ll start today. If I am going to have a normal cycle my LH should surge soon. Not that I can do anything about it.

So I saw my RE yesterday and we came up with a new plan. I feel better just having a plan. Although, I’m not particularly convinced it’s going to work but… I’ve got to try. But I suppose I also feel better about it not working since Right Guy and I discussed our other options the other night. You can read about that here if you want. I just need to have a plan. I’m fine with plans changing but I need to have one.

I had the option of trying the clomid again (with an estrogen primer) but I chose to be more aggressive. The clock is ticking. Regardless of what protocol I use in the future this failed Clomid cycle proves that I absolutely HAVE to have an estrogen primer. When I’m off the estrogen for too long nothing is going to help: not Clomid, not injectibles. They all work in roughly the same manner: they raise your FSH. My FSH is already high so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the problem there. And my reserve is abysmal so all the treatments in the world can’t coax out an egg that doesn’t exist.

So the plan is to use a cocktail of FSH and LH. I have to go take a class to learn how to mix them up. I did go to bartending school once upon a blue moon so I think I can handle mixing my hormones. But this protocol means more shots and more monitoring ultrasounds. Gonna be interesting. I’m not sure what would come after this if it doesn’t work. She just said we could keep going until I’m either pregnant or my body proves it’s definitively not going to cooperate.

I didn’t even ask about IVF. I just don’t see how it’s possible. I know there are some die hard POFers out there who say not to give up on the idea of IVF but if I don’t have the eggs, I don’t have the eggs. The RE did briefly mention Donor Eggs but we’re not there yet and she knows that. I did ask about IUI. Everyone I encounter in this virtual infertility world seems to do them. But it doesn’t appear that I need it. Right Guy’s sperm is good and I don’t have any other issues (that we know about) so she said it wouldn’t really help us any.

So I took my 100 mg of Clomid on cycles days 3-5 as instructed. Today is CD12. And I had my ultrasound this morning. I’ve been a little worried all week that it wasn’t working since I didn’t really have much cramping this time. Geez, I hate being right sometimes! I was hoping I was just being paranoid. But no. It’s official. The Clomid did not work this month. I have 2 follies (one on each ovary) and neither are mature. So no Ovidrel this month. The current plan is to just use OPKs next week to see if I O on my own. As usual, I saw the fellow this morning, so I’m waiting on a call back from my doc to see what the plan is for next month. Even though I knew this was probably coming I’m still kind of… well… almost devastated. I just don’t see how this is ever going to happen for me.

I’m pretty sure I know why it worked last time and didn’t work this time. It’s something I suspected might happen even before I took the Clomid this month. But I was trying to remain positive. Maybe sometimes I shouldn’t do that and I should bring up these concerns with the doc. Since I was freaking right. I could kick myself. I really should have asked her what the chances were of it working without the estrogen primer. Anyway, enough of that here’s the explanation.

My FSH is high because my egg supply is low. When I don’t produce eggs/ovulate my body just produces more and more FSH to try and grow and release a follie. That’s pretty much what Clomid does too. So, given that my body is already unsuccessfully doing essentially the same thing as Clomid I was leary of it to begin with. BUT. The estrogen patch I was on before lowered my FSH. And I think that’s why the Clomid worked before. It’s been 3 months since I’ve been on the estrogen patch so I assume my FSH went back up. And that’s why the Clomid didn’t work this time. I really need that estrogen patch. But I can’t be on it while I’m on fertility drugs. But without it the fertility drugs don’t work. Such a Catch-22.

No babies of my own. Maybe I’ll get lucky but I think my odds of that are on par with winning the lottery. Maybe I should start buying tickets. Maybe I’ll win the lottery and then be able to afford adoption. 😛