In case you missed it, I’m writing a series – Dating After Divorce – about the lighter side of weird post-divorce dating.

When Your Date Gets Hijacked
No, my date (the guy) wasn’t literally car-jacked or anything. And, if anything, I was the one who did the hijacking. You see, I picked up a straggler on our date. One who I found infinitely more interesting than my date. But let me back up.

It was technically a second date – we had previously met in person, very briefly, for coffee. I wouldn’t really classify it as a date. It was more of a “OK, yes, you look and act normal so we can meet again later” encounter. I can’t say I felt a spark over coffee but I also found no reason not to go out with him again. And so we agreed to meet at a local restaurant/bar.

This particular restaurant/bar sort of has two sides. Literally. One side is just a bar with music, drinks and appetizers and laid-back atmosphere. The other side is a bar with a restaurant – still casual but a bit more upscale than the other side. Since we were meeting at dinner time I sat at the restaurant-side bar waiting for him. An older man, a veteran, sitting next to me struck up a conversation with me. He had some really interesting stories to tell (as old veterans often do) and was lamenting with me about whether or not I had been stood up.

It turns out my date had been waiting for me at the bar on the other side. Once we located one another we headed back to the casual side to play some pool. My old veteran friend and his buddy wandered over. Perhaps they were feeling protective of me or maybe they were just curious. Or maybe they simply wanted a change of scenery. I don’t know. They ended up joining us in our pool game and were generally quite amusing. I was having a great time. With THEM.

My date was, quite obviously, an amiable guy as this did not seem to bother him in the slightest. The buddy eventually left and we got hungry. And Old Veteran tagged along with us, I think at my(?) invitation, to have dinner in the restaurant. So… my date got hijacked by Old Veteran (or perhaps I hijacked Old Veteran?). And I was having a blast! Only problem was… my date, my actual date, seemed pretty boring in comparison. 😉

We ate and talked and his…vanilla-ness just seemed to ooze. He was a nice guy and looked great on paper and I actually really love vanilla ice cream. He had kids already which I actually found attractive since I knew I might not be able to have them myself. He had a good job, was good looking… everything you want on paper. But he was…kind of boring. I was having a MUCH better time on my hijacked date with Old Veteran.

[Notice how this guy doesn’t even rate a nickname?]

And then the bill came and Old Veteran dropped some cash on the table and left us. And I offered to pay the check. Now, I really am ALL for FEMINISM and things being equal, yadda yadda yadda. But I also want to be WOOed in some way. So his lack of arguing about the check and immediate response to give it to me was… off-putting.

But he was oblivious.

He walked me to my car, kissed me goodnight, said he had a great time and invited me to come to his house for dinner the following week. Having no better prospects, I agreed.

And then Right Guy took his head out of his ass and asked me out (after previously turning me down when I asked him out) for the same night as the home cooked dinner. I dropped no-name-guy like it’s hot and went out with Right Guy instead.

[BTW, Right Guy paid for our date and we looked like we needed a room. I’m not big on PDA, but Helllooooo SPARKS!]

So, in short, here’s some dating advice:

  • If the old guy at the bar is more interesting than your date, just don’t bother trying another date with Boring Guy.
  • Require SPARKS. I told myself over and over while internet dating that maybe they would come later. It’s either there or it’s not. It’s not gonna grow out of thin air. Don’t waste your time.

In case you missed it, I’m writing a series – Dating After Divorce – about the lighter side of weird post-divorce dating.

Someone requested that I blog about how to handle dating within the constraints of infertility (so this post will not be so “light”). At what point do you mention to your date that you are reproductively challenged? If things get serious you absolutely HAVE to talk about it. But will your partner think your timing is too late if you’re already serious? Or too early if you’re not serious enough?

Certainly your infertility is very much like an elephant in the room. To YOU. It’s huge. Lurking. Following you around. But this huge, lurking, stalking elephant is completely invisible to your partner until you tell him about it.

Decisions, decisions.

In my personal experience I didn’t have to deal with this very much. I’ve known about my endometriosis since I was 20 but I never knew whether it would actually be a real obstacle. Not every woman with endo has trouble conceiving (or so my rose colored glasses told me). I think I generally told partners about it at the point when the kid conversation happened. The one where you feel each other out about who wants to have kids (or not) and how badly or to what lengths they would go to make that dream a reality or crush it entirely. If you’re having sex, you should be having these conversations. As laughable as it sounds to me right now (cuz you know it’s practically impossible), the “What if I got pregnant right now?” question is absolutely a must in a sexual relationship.

[As an aside I will say that I almost married another Wrong Guy way too young simply because I knew my chances for kids were better then they would be later. I guess I made a mistake marrying Wrong Guy but the guy before him would have been Wronger in many ways.]

Even after my divorce I didn’t know if I was truly infertile. I thought it likely. But I DID know that HE had a low sperm count. So my elephant was a little smaller. And my heart was so shredded that I didn’t think it would ever be an issue. I never thought I’d be in a place where I felt comfortable enough with a partner to TTC before my (potential) reproductive years were gone.

Little did I know how right I was.

It was only when I was told that my reproductive years were coming to an early end that I felt like I might be able to go there with Right Guy. Talk about bad timing. He knew about my endo. But when it came to now or never I pretty much told him to get with the program or leave. OK, it wasn’t quite that black & white but I did make it clear that I was going to pursue kids with or without him. His participation would only dictate *how* I went about it. I also wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a deal-breaker for him. Sometimes I still feel like he should just walk away from me.

In short, I never had to face a brand new relationship knowing for sure that I was infertile. Everything has played out a little more in the gray areas for me. But that’s my story… for what it’s worth.

See you all next time for Dating After Divorce – When Your Date Gets Hijacked.

In case you missed it, I’m writing a series – Dating After Divorce – about the lighter side of weird post-divorce dating.

After my divorce (or technically right before it was final) I moved to a new city. Wrong Guy was military and I lived in a military town and The Ogress had moved there. There were ZERO reasons for me to stay there. Moving home, or back to anywhere I’d live before, seemed almost… cowardly. So I went on a little adventure. Into the desert. Where gambling is not just legal but big business.

This was all a long time ago when online dating was still fairly new. The current big players, Match and eHarmony, were around but there was still quite a stigma attached to online dating. But I was broke and couldn’t afford those anyway. So I went the (arguably) trailer trash route and attempted to meet people for free on Yahoo. There were some scary people on there but also some that seemed relatively normal. I met DJ Guy that way. He was nice. But there was no spark. We hung out a few times.

At some point I did a free trial of Match. I honestly can’t remember which service it was that led me to Vision Boy. But somehow we found each other (and I didn’t pay for the privilege). We met for drinks at a casino.

Let’s take a moment and review some common sense Dating Rules. Mostly they are rules for any social situation involving new people or people you don’t want to offend such as clients, bosses, coworkers, etc.

Dating Rule #1: Never have more than 2-3 drinks on a first date. Unless it’s a really loooooong date.

Dating Rule #2: Unless they are serious dealbreakers for you, try to avoid the conversational (and controversial) topics of religion and politics. Small talk rules on first dates. If you make it to Date #2-4 bring it up then if it’s important to you.

Dating Rule #3: Do your best to leave your crazies and/or baggage at home locked in the closet. We all know you have them but the first date is NOT the time to introduce them.

Dating Rule #4: If you ask a person out for a second date, make sure you get his/her name right. This also applies for any sex (unless it’s one-night-stand sex and then no one really cares).

Admittedly, these rules can be difficult to follow post-divorce – or even post-bad breakup. But save the excessive drinking because you have baggage and crazies for a night out with your friends.

However, in this case, I wasn’t the one who broke the rules.

Back to the date. He was reasonably good-looking and at least a hair taller than me so we sat at the bar making small talk for awhile (like you’re supposed to). It went pretty well. He was a professional poker player. Not a profession I was familiar with… I mean, as a real job. It seemed pretty odd to me but I was trying to be open-minded and he seemed fairly normal otherwise. And if you’re a good enough gambler to actually make a decent living at it… who am I to judge? I’m the one with the crappy day job I hate.

After 2-3 drinks we went to dance in the club. The great advantage of casinos is that all these things are under one roof. Your date can turn into dinner and a movie or getting your groove on on the dance floor at a moment’s notice.

After a few dances, which led me to believe he was already drunk or a very uninhibited dancer, we headed back to the bar to cool off. More drinks. And then came the story. I don’t remember how the topic of religion came up – I feel fairly certain I didn’t start it. Although I freely admit that I don’t always shy away from this topic like I should if someone else brings it up. But somehow, the subject of whether or not there is a God, was being discussed. He was adamant that God exists. He said he had proof.

ME: Proof? How can you have proof? You can have faith but how can you have proof?

VB: Because I’ve seen God.

ME: You’ve…SEEN…God?????

VB: In a vision. I saw God. I know for a fact He exists.

ME: Um…you had a…vision? Was this some sort of desert/peyote induced vision?

VB: No. I just had a vision. I have them sometimes.

He talked for quite awhile about this vision while knocking back more drinks. I was oddly fascinated by it. For some reason, after volunteering that he had had this vision, and speaking about the general experience in great length, he decided it would be TMI to actually tell me what happened in the vision. Clearly his boundaries are different than my own.

In any case, it came to a point where I was going to need more alcohol to continue listening to him so I left while I could still drive home. I have no idea how he got home – he was fairly trashed. He had mentioned that he would be traveling for an international poker game the next week but that he would call upon his return.

Sure enough, when he returned I got an email addressed to some other woman asking me out on a second date. I politely responded pointing out his error. He was forever dubbed “Vision Boy” and I never heard from him again. 😉

THE END

Dating After Divorce

March 28, 2013

Anyone who was reading this blog last summer knows that I am divorced. I think I made that clear when I wrote about Wrong Guy. Although Wrong Guy and I were TTC before we divorced, I can’t really blame infertility at all for the end of our marriage. I barely had time to process his abysmal sperm count before things went spiraling down to Hell in our marriage.

But the truth is, for many couples infertility leads to divorce. It’s probably not the sole cause (is there ever really just one?) but it can be a major contributing factor to a break up. Infertility is rough and will test even the strongest relationship. How many of us have lost friends over it?

*raises hand*

Right Guy and I are not married. In part because I’ve been there before. It’s scary to think of going back there. Officially.

Recently, a couple of my tweeps have gotten divorced and are learning how to be single again. Single and infertile – Having been there I can attest to the fact that it’s kind of its own Hell. They are no longer TTC and question their roles in our little IF twitterverse. I’d hate to see them go. But I know that most of us are just not in that place anymore. And so, as an officially still single girl and a divorced woman who had to learn to date, I have decided to write a few posts on some of my more… ahem… interesting post divorce dates. They should prove entertaining to all. I hope.

I don’t plan on getting into the raw emotions of divorce or the ins and outs of navigating online dating or even the steep learning curve that is learning how to date after being married. Or even how to learn to accept that you still have worth/value/game/groove/etc. Unless someone requests that I plan to keep it light. The first installment will be published very soon.