Oh… it’s ON now

October 10, 2011

I am so incredibly frustrated. Everything I went through two weeks ago was all for naught. I thought I had it squared away but, alas, no. You should never believe the random promises of people who answer phones. I still cannot get an ultrasound scheduled.

I have one last chance tomorrow to do this on my own. Supposedly an OB nurse will be calling me tomorrow (she wasn’t in today). But I already called and left a semi-hysterical message for my old RE. I. NEED. HELP. I am surrounded by morons. These people tell me things like “You can’t see anything on an ultrasound before 8 weeks” and “We don’t provide follow up care or monitoring appointments for other clinic’s patients.” (2 different clinics have told me this) So… what do their patients do when they travel? How can they simply refuse to treat people in need of care? No one seems to get it. I would think the word “ectopic” would be enough.

Not to be overly dramatic. I despise overly dramatic. But if this is what it takes to get an ultrasound then I will totally pull out the “I could die if you don’t give me an ultrasound” card. (It’s technically true) I haven’t played that card yet. Partly for fear that it will backfire and they’ll just think I’m completely nuts and take me even LESS seriously. But it’s all I have left. I’ve tried to explain the situation. But receptionists just. don’t. get. it. And I can’t get past reception without being a patient.

Sigh.

I’ve had my freak out session tonight. Now I just need to try and relax and wait to deal with tomorrow. Along with my dead car. And my stupid COBRA insurance that suddenly doesn’t exist.

I think the hormones are getting to me and making me CRAZY. Oy.

Limbo Limbo

October 8, 2011

So… last week I was completely resigned to not being pregnant. I was dealing with it, accepting it. Planning a night of drinking away my sorrows. And then I had to eat my words when I PAOS’d and got a late BFP. But I was still worried because I know the statistics on late implantation. The miscarriage rate is 55-85%.

Then it took 36 HOURS to get the results of my first beta. I expected it to be a bit low but I was really hoping for >100. No such luck. It was 63 (14dpt3dt). The doc took the standard line of one number doesn’t mean anything let’s wait to see if it rises appropriately. I’ll go for another beta on Monday.

In the meantime I had started to hope again. I had symptoms. I felt pregnant. But now… not so much. The nausea is abating. And that feeling of fullness is dissipating. But more importantly, the lines are not getting darker on the sticks. I’ve had lots of cramping (not severe but not light either and fairly constant). I’ve been getting these horrible headaches (one even woke me up the other night). I’m on TP watch ever since I saw a tinge of brown (at least it was brown and not red). I’m putting myself on bed rest. Well… sofa rest. At this point what will happen will happen. There’s nothing I can rally do. But sofa rest is something I CAN do and it can’t hurt. So there it is.

I am dubbing this little one “Underdog” for the moment. You may all root for him/her. That’s what you do for the underdog so please do. But I’ve lost hope again. And this roller coaster is killing me.

Eating My Words

October 6, 2011

So that Fat Lady I wrote about before? Yeah, she decided not to sing just yet. I finally got a BFP a few days ago. But it came so late that I’m worried. Late implanters have a high rate of miscarriage (80+%). And I have a history of ectopic pregnancy. Last time that didn’t mean a low beta but ectopics typically have low betas. So I haven’t really allowed myself to hope. Until today. Today I am hopeful. Even though I am waiting on my beta results which I fear will be low.

I may have to wait until tomorrow to get the results. I just moved to the west coast and don’t have doctors here yet so I’ve been doing my blood work at Lab.Corp. With the time difference the results probably won’t come in before end of business on the east coast. How nerve wracking.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night thinking about my beta today. The fact that I’ll probably have to get another beta on Saturday and again on Monday. Dealing with my doctors back East and trying to get appointments next weeks with doctors here. Hoping I can stay pregnant and have an ultrasound next week.

Breathe in, breathe out. One day at a time.

I’ll update this post when I get my first beta results.

October 7, 2011 12:38 PT: Still no word

October 7, 2011 14:02 PT: 14dpt3dt (or 17dpo) beta = 63
I was really hoping for > 100. Let the nail biting begin.

Beta #3

September 3, 2010

Beta #3 has come in at 355 so all is still well. My levels are doubling every 48 hours.
90
172
355

I’m not out of the woods yet by any means but now I’ll finally post the pic of the embies. I didn’t do it on Transfer Day – felt too much like jinxing it.

embryos
Here they are. One, or possibly both, of these little guys has decided to set up camp and hang out for awhile – hopefully for 9 months. Beta numbers would seem to indicate that it’s just one. But you never know. We’ll just have to wait for the ultrasound in two and a half weeks. Hopefully it will be good new for Right Guy’s birthday (the u/s will be the day after his bday).

Beta #2 Results Are In

September 1, 2010

And… the results are in. 172. Not quite doubled from 90 but really really close (and technically not a full 48 hours between the two). They want me to go in for a 3rd test on Friday just to be safe.

I was so optimistic yesterday since I think my levels have been doubling properly up until now. So I figured they would continue to do so. And then last night I had a dream that I was bleeding. The dream never got to the point that I was definitively miscarrying – just bleeding. Or at least that’s all I remembered this morning. But since I had a dream about a BFP last week and it came true I guess I’ve developed a little pregnancy superstition. I awoke this morning checking for nausea, sore boobs and exhaustion. And itchiness (no one ever mentioned that one to me before but Dr. Google has confirmed it). All still there but somewhat lessened. But most of those symptoms could also be caused by the Estrogen patches and Progesterone in oil shots I’m still on. On the other hand I didn’t make it through a whole day of work yesterday either – I left early again for a nap. So how bad could it be?

I started to feel a little more confident after I walked 2 blocks to Whole Foods to get a sandwich for lunch today. On the way back I was really woozy. Clearly I didn’t eat enough breakfast. And clearly I’m still pregnant.

I have no idea if it’s pregnancy or just some fluke but apparently my veins now roll. I used to be the easiest stick. I was a phlebotomist’s dream. Somehow, practically overnight, I’ve turned into a phlebotomist’s nightmare. That prominent vein that they love so much is still there, beckoning them, “Choose me. I’m Easy.” But then they have to dig around for a minute or two to actually get the needle in. On Monday she gave up and drew blood from my other arm. I had a different nurse today and she had the same problem but managed to make it work.

Again Right Guy will not have a phone or be on email most of today. So I’ll have to text page him the results. But this time I’ll spell it out: one hundred seventy-two. And he told me to include a 🙂 or a 😦 so he could get the gist if the number didn’t come through properly.

Official BFP

August 31, 2010

It’s official. My bloodwork shows a beta HCG level of 90. That’s a solid number for a singleton (although it doesn’t rule out twins) at 14dpo / 11dpt3dt. Now we just have to wait and see if it increases appropriately. I think it will. Based on when I got the first faint positive and the sensitivity of that test I thought my beta would be at around 80 yesterday – and I was thankfully right.

Let the waiting continue!

I have so many cliches swimming around in my head right now. “Take one day at a time.” And in the immortal words of Renee Zellweger (a.k.a. Gina) in Empire Records, “Don’t screw it up.”

And I’ve already had one minor screw up. Unfortunately I think I gave Right Guy a mini heart attack yesterday when I shared the news. He’s difficult to get a hold of – I can’t really just pick up the phone and call him – so after I sent him an email with all the details I also sent him a quick text page that just said “beta HCG = 90”. What he received was “beta HCG 0”. Being a Dude he only admitted to being confused by it and not upset. But I’m sure he was upset. Hopefully I can avoid that with tomorrow’s number.

Um… BFP???

August 28, 2010

Confession: I’m an obsessive POASer (that’s a person who pees on a stick A LOT for those not in the know – please don’t judge). I bought these several months ago so I could POAS as much as I wanted without worrying about cost. I started at 6dp3dt (6 days past 3 day transfer). I started then because I had forgotten to test a few days earlier to make sure the trigger (HCG) shot was out of my system. I wanted to know for sure that it was gone so I could rely on a positive result later if I got one. And I knew that 6dt3dt was too early. And it was negative as expected.

But I had opened Pandora’s box. So when I realized that the next day (7dp3dt) was 10 dpo… I just had to test again. Supposedly that is the absolute earliest the most sensitive home test can turn up positive. A few days before I had an upward shift on my BBT chart. I also got a cold sore which I haven’t had in at least a year if not two. My chronic sinus infection got worse despite the prophylactic antibiotics I was on the week before for IVF. I just felt like implantation had occurred a few days before and there was a little one sucking up all my energy. So there was a chance of a positive. But keep in mind all this happened at the same time Pops went back in the hospital. So I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t stress-induced.

What I got was what appeared to be negative at first. But later looked like such a faint positive that I thought I was imagining it. I compared it to the stick from the day before and sure enough it seemed like there was something there – not even really a line, but a pink something. But it couldn’t really be called a positive. Right Guy even confirmed that I was not seeing things. So I figured the next day, 8dp3dt, it would either be darker or it would be gone and the first one was a faulty stick. No such luck. Again, there was the faintest of lines. Definitely not darker. If anything it was harder to see. But this time I used a back up FRER to confirm. Negative.

That was yesterday. When I got home last night that FRER had turned positive. That’s not technically considered a positive since it didn’t show up in the designated timeframe. But it definitely seems to indicate a BFP.

Which brings us to this morning. 9dt3dt or 12 dpo. I now have 3 different brands of tests with faint lines on them. The lines are still faint but definitely darker than yesterday. Dare I hope that this is it?

I’m in a state of disbelief. I don’t think I ever truly allowed myself to believe this day would come. And there’s still many hoops to jump through – several beta tests, ultrasound to look for a heartbeat, etc. I’ve learned all this from my Tweeps on Twitter. I know what to expect.

Right Guy has not wavered in his belief that I am pregnant. He’s been sure about it since transfer day when we found out we had good quality embryos. Which has completely robbed me of the opportunity to surprise him with the results. I’m kind of bummed about that.

Now we just have to wait and see if my betas are OK and if so, do they indicate twins or not. Right Guy very definitely does NOT want twins. Admittedly, twins would be a logistical nightmare. If I make it through this pregnancy, moving across the country with one infant will be hard enough. But I can’t help but think about TWINS with a smile. 🙂

I’m really apprehensive about putting this out there so early. What if I’m wrong? (Realistically, how could I be wrong at this point? I’ve never ever seen a faint line before, let alone on 3 different tests.) What if it’s chemical? What if I miscarry? What if it’s ectopic? Why can’t I just enjoy this freaking moment? It’s SO NOT how I imagined it.