The Fat Lady

October 1, 2011

I’m not calling it just yet. But I’m getting close to the end. I’m waiting for the Fat Lady to sing. Ever since I found out that the other embryo didn’t make it to blast my hopes and confidence in this cycle tanked. I’ve had some positive moments where I thought maybe it had worked. But now… I just don’t have any more hope.

I’m only 12 dpo today so I suppose there could still be time left for a BFP. But my early tests are giving me BFNs. When I was pregnant before I had a positive at this point. I know every pregnancy is different. But I just really feel like this cycle is a bust. I know my body. And the tests I’m using are supposed to detect 20 mlu of HCG. That’s pretty low. I even bought a 6 days before AF FRER (which *may* detect as low as 8 mlu) to confirm. If I were pregnant I would have two lines by now. That’s simply a fact.

Unless it’s a late implanter. In which case I still don’t have much hope since most late implanters don’t hang on very long. I know there are plenty of late implanter / late BFP stories. I’ve heard the “I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant” stories. But I think those are the exceptions and I’m the rule (for a change). The science is simply not in my favor. I’ll gladly eat my words if I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am.

Sucks that I have to wait until Thurs for the official beta. Sucks that I have to keep up with the estrogen and the PIO shots until then just in case. Sucks that I can’t drown my sorrows with a glass of wine. I know everyone is rooting for me and my frosty – for which I thank you – but I’m a realist.

I guess I’ll just have to work on plan B now.

I might hide out for a bit while I lick my wounds.

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It seems I regularly get a handful full of visitors who find my blog by searching on “clomid + ovidrel timed intercourse” so I thought I’d post the results of my last clomid cycle.

Originally Cycle 3 was supposed to have been converted from a clomid cycle to an injectibles cycle because Cycle 2 was not a success. But I had a lot of other stress in my life (my father was hospitalized for pneumonia) so I didn’t want to spend the money on the shots when I knew I was already too stressed out to expect results. So I decided to give the clomid one last try. This time with an estrogen primer. The estrogen primer is crucial for me but is probably not necessary for most women. And just because I haven’t gotten pregnant with clomid doesn’t mean you won’t. It HAS made me ovulate which is something I don’t do on my own. So it’s definitely worth a try.

I definitely got a better response with the estrogen primer. Before I even started the clomid I had 9 antral follicles – my best number yet (at the time – my current cycle has even more). However, on CD12 none were mature. But they didn’t have too far to go. I had one follie at 14.5 and one at 15.4 on my right ovary with a small 10.5 follie hanging out in my left ovary. I waited several days to trigger so I don’t know exactly how large they got before the ovidrel. I could have ovulated 1 egg, 2 eggs, or potentially even 3. At least one of them *should* have been mature. But I can’t know for sure since my ovaries are like an Easy Bake Oven and seem to cook a little more slowly than most.

In any case, I DID ovulate and we had sex 3 days in a row. On two of those days I used a Soft Cup. This was the first time I used them. I can’t say whether they help or not but it definitely made me worry less about staying horizontal to make sure the sperm stay in there. And anything that makes me worry/stress LESS is a good thing. So I think I’ll use them again.

Again it was a BFN. Despite the stress of my father’s illness (which required a lot of my time) I was very hopeful for Cycle 3. It was the first time I had multiple mature follicles (or the potential for them anyway). I figured the odds of one of them being of good or decent quality were increased. So I was pretty crushed when I got another BFN.

I’m now doing an injectibles cycle with Bravelle & Menopur + Ovidrel. And again I’m hopeful since this time I have 13 follies baking in there. But again, the Easy Bake Oven is at play – they’re on slow bake. But I think they’ll get there. In their own time. I’m being monitored much more closely this time so hopefully I’ll have a clearer idea of how many are mature at trigger. At the advice of my RE, we’re still doing timed intercourse at home. I think I’ll push for an IUI next time if this cycle doesn’t work.

The Bitch Is Back

July 3, 2010

Aunt Flow showed up on my doorstep yesterday quite unexpectedly. With a suitcase full of giant cramps. I thought it was 10-11 DPO. I had thought the spotting the night before was implantation bleeding. I stupidly allowed myself to hope a little more than usual. When will I learn?

Let’s recap Cycle 2:
First of all I can’t believe this is only Cycle 2. It feels like forever. In fact it has been 8 months now since my diagnosis. We waited a few months on HRT to see what my body might do on its own. Right Guy and I were officially “trying” but my my body wasn’t cooperating. So I eventually tried Clomid not thinking I would get much response. POF/POIers don’t typically respond well to Clomid. My response was beautiful for Cycle 1. I got a BFN but I was ecstatic that a $10 drug worked. Until it gave me a cyst. So I had to wait for Cycle 2.

Nothing about Cycle 2 has gone right. When I went in for my CD12 ultrasound I had 2 follicles – neither mature. I was kind of expecting that news since I had been fairly crampy the first time around and this time not. So we canceled the plan for the Ovidrel trigger shot and just waited to see if my body would finish the job on its own. Meanwhile, my morning temperatures were a little erratic. Which was another clue that things weren’t going right. When I started to feel crampy I told Right Guy we should go for it even thought the OPKs were saying no. So we did for a few days. Then I sort of gave up when the OPKs kept coming back negative. My temps were just a wee bit higher but still not high enough to indicate I had ovulated. Or so I thought. Then the OPKs started coming up positive. So we went back to trying. And a couple of days later the temps went up – but again, only slightly. But it was technically up enough to indicate ovulation. I still wasn’t sure so I went in and got my progesterone tested. 14.4. An outstanding progesterone level. I thought things were looking up.

Since the Clomid hadn’t worked as planned, the new plan was to make sure I primed with estrogen before each cycle – no matter what protocol we use (Clomid or injectibles). So I had put my estrogen patch back on as soon as I thought I had probably ovulated. I reasoned that the Estrogen was the reason my temps were low. They never went above 98. This whole cycle my temps were in the 97s (with one dip to 96.9). But I chose to ignore the temps. I was trying to focus on the positive – I had ovulated!
Aunt Flo
So now that Aunt Flo has shown up I’m wondering whether she is indeed early. Or did she show up right on time? Did I ovulate before the + OPKs? If that’s the case my body is screwed up. Or did I ovulate when I think I did and she’s early? In which case my body is screwed up. Why am I surprised that my body would be screwed up? We already knew that. I guess I was just hoping that it was only screwed up in the one way we already know about.

And what’s with Aunt Flo’s suitcase full of cramps? Do I have another cyst? Is it the endometriosis? All I know is that it is not fun. I’m not doubled over in pain just yet. But I don’t feel too far from that point.

I recently discovered this via a tweet by a  fellow IFer: http://thegloss.com/sex-and-dating/what-to-call-your-period-in-other-countries/

I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to use the Danish one.

There are Communists in my Funhouse.  Which means I did not get pregnant this month.  It took them a little while to infiltrate, however.  I’m really not sure why my period seems to like to start and then stop.  And then start again.  And maybe stop and start some more.    Those communists should really just make up their minds.  I went  for an ultrasound this morning (so there were more than communists in my funhouse early this morning) to make sure the drugs haven’t caused any cysts.

It appears they have done just that.  Left ovary has turned in to a ginormous cyst.  So no cycling for me for a month or so.  The irony of all ironies is that I now have to go on birth control pills for a month or so to get rid of the cyst so I can start trying to get preggo again.  Who knew that BCPs would be prescribed by a fertility doc to help get me knocked up?