Holy Triggers Batman

April 7, 2014

What a truly bizarre two week wait.

I expected some of this. But not all of it.

I know how I felt during my FET.  It was WAY WORSE than I imagined it would be (even though I didn’t write about it all until later).  I thought that this time, since it’s not my body, it would be easier. And it is. At least in the fact that I’m not worried for my physical self. I thought I might be worried for B’s physical self.  But I’m not. Not yet, anyway.

What is happening is that I’m reliving the 2ww from my IVF (PTSD much?). My first injectibles cycle.  The one I postponed because Pops was in the hospital.  And then he landed in the ER at 4dp3dt. Which was yesterday for this surro FET cycle. He recovered fairly quickly from that ER visit.  Thankfully, he was at home doing fairly well by the time I landed in the hospital a month later.

And of course his cancer came back while I was still recovering from that pregnancy. And then he died.  And then I was cleared for FET.

And now my almost 16 year old hyperthyroid renally challenged kitty seems to be boycotting both food and the litterbox.

So.

The two week wait.  Pregnancy.

They STILL equate – in my brain – to death and dying. Even when it’s not my body.

So yeah.  This is tons of fun.

NOT.

It is a truly bizarre thought process.  My headshrinker says it’s completely normal. Memories are stored chronologically and when you access one you tend to get all the ones around it. Particularly if they are traumatic. So apparently I am not a raging lunatic for equating pregnancy (or even potential pregnancy) with death.

A negative beta will end it most likely as that will be a different outcome from the past. 

A positive beta (or home pregnancy test) will likely keep the triggers coming for a few more weeks.  This is not about the outcome of this surro FET cycle.  I mean, it partly is but it’s about so much more.

I should have seen this coming.  I suppose I did to a certain extent. But it’s proving to be far more powerful than I anticipated.

At least I’m not having panic attacks. I am not literally terrified like I was last time.  I just can’t stop the emotions from coming. Instead of abject terror engulfing me I’m staring at a tidal wave of grief. Preferable, yes. But still quite large and consuming.
 
I miss my Dad. I want to talk to him. I want to cuddle my sick kitty but she won’t let me.
 
I will be OK.  I always am. But this is going to be rougher than I anticipated. But also, once again, reaffirms that those embryos are way better off with B right now.

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You keep saying OPK +.  I do not think it means what you think it means.

In other news…

May 22, 2012

I am completely nuts. I may or may not be in a 2ww. I’m either 9dpo… or 3dpo. If the former, there’s a chance. If the latter… not so much. Most likely, it’s the latter. But this is not stopping me from doing the usual obsess-over-every-tiny-twinge-and-make-myself crazy thing. As if.

I always feel like a moron for even entertaining the idea that this could happen naturally. I mean, I don’t even know when I ovulated. Some months I’m not even sure IF I ovulated. I think Right Guy gave up on it a long time ago – at this point he’s just humoring me.

Next steps… figure out next steps. I think I’m going to lobby for on IUI even though my RE recommends against it.

Limbo Limbo

October 8, 2011

So… last week I was completely resigned to not being pregnant. I was dealing with it, accepting it. Planning a night of drinking away my sorrows. And then I had to eat my words when I PAOS’d and got a late BFP. But I was still worried because I know the statistics on late implantation. The miscarriage rate is 55-85%.

Then it took 36 HOURS to get the results of my first beta. I expected it to be a bit low but I was really hoping for >100. No such luck. It was 63 (14dpt3dt). The doc took the standard line of one number doesn’t mean anything let’s wait to see if it rises appropriately. I’ll go for another beta on Monday.

In the meantime I had started to hope again. I had symptoms. I felt pregnant. But now… not so much. The nausea is abating. And that feeling of fullness is dissipating. But more importantly, the lines are not getting darker on the sticks. I’ve had lots of cramping (not severe but not light either and fairly constant). I’ve been getting these horrible headaches (one even woke me up the other night). I’m on TP watch ever since I saw a tinge of brown (at least it was brown and not red). I’m putting myself on bed rest. Well… sofa rest. At this point what will happen will happen. There’s nothing I can rally do. But sofa rest is something I CAN do and it can’t hurt. So there it is.

I am dubbing this little one “Underdog” for the moment. You may all root for him/her. That’s what you do for the underdog so please do. But I’ve lost hope again. And this roller coaster is killing me.

The Fat Lady

October 1, 2011

I’m not calling it just yet. But I’m getting close to the end. I’m waiting for the Fat Lady to sing. Ever since I found out that the other embryo didn’t make it to blast my hopes and confidence in this cycle tanked. I’ve had some positive moments where I thought maybe it had worked. But now… I just don’t have any more hope.

I’m only 12 dpo today so I suppose there could still be time left for a BFP. But my early tests are giving me BFNs. When I was pregnant before I had a positive at this point. I know every pregnancy is different. But I just really feel like this cycle is a bust. I know my body. And the tests I’m using are supposed to detect 20 mlu of HCG. That’s pretty low. I even bought a 6 days before AF FRER (which *may* detect as low as 8 mlu) to confirm. If I were pregnant I would have two lines by now. That’s simply a fact.

Unless it’s a late implanter. In which case I still don’t have much hope since most late implanters don’t hang on very long. I know there are plenty of late implanter / late BFP stories. I’ve heard the “I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant” stories. But I think those are the exceptions and I’m the rule (for a change). The science is simply not in my favor. I’ll gladly eat my words if I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am.

Sucks that I have to wait until Thurs for the official beta. Sucks that I have to keep up with the estrogen and the PIO shots until then just in case. Sucks that I can’t drown my sorrows with a glass of wine. I know everyone is rooting for me and my frosty – for which I thank you – but I’m a realist.

I guess I’ll just have to work on plan B now.

I might hide out for a bit while I lick my wounds.

Another two week wait

September 29, 2011

At first I thought I was just out of practice. It’s been over a year since I’ve been through a two week wait (2ww). But then I remembered that it doesn’t really matter so much – pretty much every 2ww is the same. I think I’ve gotten better at the first half of it since it really is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to know anything. But the second half… that’s another story.

The second half is when the crazies knock on your door and run inside to settle on the sofa with you. They whisper things in your ear like “You know you want to pee on a stick right now” and “What was that? That twinge? Was it an implantation cramp?” I would really like to kick these guys out of my house. But they won’t leave.

One thing I don’t really get though, is why every morning (the whole day really) I feel negative. I feel like there’s no way this FET worked. No way could I be pregnant. But in the evenings and at night I have hope. I somehow feel pregnant at night. It’s super weird. I remember experiencing this back and forth during other 2wws. But I don’t recall the ping pong ball being on a timer. My thoughts bounced back and forth from being sure I was pregnant to being sure I wasn’t. But I don’t recall the time of day playing a role.

Anyone else experience this?

This being a little bit pregnant thing is NERVE WRACKING. It’s all I’ve wanted for soooo long. But I’m so anxious about it. I have no reason to think there’s a problem. I haven’t had any spotting or anything. No super painful cramps. Just mild to moderate ones that seem to be getting better. I do kind of wish I had more symptoms. But the truth is – I DO have SOME symptoms. I have no history of miscarriage. So it would seem that everything is fine.

BUT.

There’s the BUT. I just can’t help but worry that there might be a problem and I wouldn’t know about it because I’m on all these hormones. I am at a higher risk for miscarriage due to both my age and my condition. So I fear it could be just the hormones that give me all these symptoms. Certainly it’s the hormones that make my boobs hurt. And I can blame them for the queasies (not quite full on nausea and no vomiting). I’ve had worse nausea from PMS in the past. And the tiredness? Yep, hormones. What symptoms are there that are NOT due to hormone levels? Woozy? Not sure about that one. Peeing a lot? I got up to pee during the night for four nights straight. And then it stopped. Hasn’t happened for a week now. What’s up with that? Intense hunger? Again, HORMONES. I’m injecting myself full of progesterone that will make me tired, hungry, nauseous and give me tender boobs. What if I’m not pregnant anymore?

Yes, I’m aware that I’m slightly paranoid and over analyzing the situation. Intellectually I KNOW this. And intellectually I also know that if there’s a problem there’s nothing to be done about it. I’m already doing everything I can do. It will either work or it won’t. But it doesn’t stop the worrying.
paranoid cartoon
It’s been 11 days since my last beta test. It’s 6 more days until my first ultrasound. This wait is just a bit longer than the usual two week wait. And I really think it might be worse. At least when I was waiting to find out if I was pregnant I knew the first week was a wash. I usually made it through the first half easily. It was the second half that was hard a bitch. But you can test early so that 2nd week is shortened a bit. There’s no getting around this 17 day wait. Last week was not easy. And neither is this week.

And now I’ll stop complaining. I promise. 😉

T minus 6 days…