Holy Triggers Batman

April 7, 2014

What a truly bizarre two week wait.

I expected some of this. But not all of it.

I know how I felt during my FET.  It was WAY WORSE than I imagined it would be (even though I didn’t write about it all until later).  I thought that this time, since it’s not my body, it would be easier. And it is. At least in the fact that I’m not worried for my physical self. I thought I might be worried for B’s physical self.  But I’m not. Not yet, anyway.

What is happening is that I’m reliving the 2ww from my IVF (PTSD much?). My first injectibles cycle.  The one I postponed because Pops was in the hospital.  And then he landed in the ER at 4dp3dt. Which was yesterday for this surro FET cycle. He recovered fairly quickly from that ER visit.  Thankfully, he was at home doing fairly well by the time I landed in the hospital a month later.

And of course his cancer came back while I was still recovering from that pregnancy. And then he died.  And then I was cleared for FET.

And now my almost 16 year old hyperthyroid renally challenged kitty seems to be boycotting both food and the litterbox.

So.

The two week wait.  Pregnancy.

They STILL equate – in my brain – to death and dying. Even when it’s not my body.

So yeah.  This is tons of fun.

NOT.

It is a truly bizarre thought process.  My headshrinker says it’s completely normal. Memories are stored chronologically and when you access one you tend to get all the ones around it. Particularly if they are traumatic. So apparently I am not a raging lunatic for equating pregnancy (or even potential pregnancy) with death.

A negative beta will end it most likely as that will be a different outcome from the past. 

A positive beta (or home pregnancy test) will likely keep the triggers coming for a few more weeks.  This is not about the outcome of this surro FET cycle.  I mean, it partly is but it’s about so much more.

I should have seen this coming.  I suppose I did to a certain extent. But it’s proving to be far more powerful than I anticipated.

At least I’m not having panic attacks. I am not literally terrified like I was last time.  I just can’t stop the emotions from coming. Instead of abject terror engulfing me I’m staring at a tidal wave of grief. Preferable, yes. But still quite large and consuming.
 
I miss my Dad. I want to talk to him. I want to cuddle my sick kitty but she won’t let me.
 
I will be OK.  I always am. But this is going to be rougher than I anticipated. But also, once again, reaffirms that those embryos are way better off with B right now.

In other news…

May 22, 2012

I am completely nuts. I may or may not be in a 2ww. I’m either 9dpo… or 3dpo. If the former, there’s a chance. If the latter… not so much. Most likely, it’s the latter. But this is not stopping me from doing the usual obsess-over-every-tiny-twinge-and-make-myself crazy thing. As if.

I always feel like a moron for even entertaining the idea that this could happen naturally. I mean, I don’t even know when I ovulated. Some months I’m not even sure IF I ovulated. I think Right Guy gave up on it a long time ago – at this point he’s just humoring me.

Next steps… figure out next steps. I think I’m going to lobby for on IUI even though my RE recommends against it.

Limbo Limbo

October 8, 2011

So… last week I was completely resigned to not being pregnant. I was dealing with it, accepting it. Planning a night of drinking away my sorrows. And then I had to eat my words when I PAOS’d and got a late BFP. But I was still worried because I know the statistics on late implantation. The miscarriage rate is 55-85%.

Then it took 36 HOURS to get the results of my first beta. I expected it to be a bit low but I was really hoping for >100. No such luck. It was 63 (14dpt3dt). The doc took the standard line of one number doesn’t mean anything let’s wait to see if it rises appropriately. I’ll go for another beta on Monday.

In the meantime I had started to hope again. I had symptoms. I felt pregnant. But now… not so much. The nausea is abating. And that feeling of fullness is dissipating. But more importantly, the lines are not getting darker on the sticks. I’ve had lots of cramping (not severe but not light either and fairly constant). I’ve been getting these horrible headaches (one even woke me up the other night). I’m on TP watch ever since I saw a tinge of brown (at least it was brown and not red). I’m putting myself on bed rest. Well… sofa rest. At this point what will happen will happen. There’s nothing I can rally do. But sofa rest is something I CAN do and it can’t hurt. So there it is.

I am dubbing this little one “Underdog” for the moment. You may all root for him/her. That’s what you do for the underdog so please do. But I’ve lost hope again. And this roller coaster is killing me.

This being a little bit pregnant thing is NERVE WRACKING. It’s all I’ve wanted for soooo long. But I’m so anxious about it. I have no reason to think there’s a problem. I haven’t had any spotting or anything. No super painful cramps. Just mild to moderate ones that seem to be getting better. I do kind of wish I had more symptoms. But the truth is – I DO have SOME symptoms. I have no history of miscarriage. So it would seem that everything is fine.

BUT.

There’s the BUT. I just can’t help but worry that there might be a problem and I wouldn’t know about it because I’m on all these hormones. I am at a higher risk for miscarriage due to both my age and my condition. So I fear it could be just the hormones that give me all these symptoms. Certainly it’s the hormones that make my boobs hurt. And I can blame them for the queasies (not quite full on nausea and no vomiting). I’ve had worse nausea from PMS in the past. And the tiredness? Yep, hormones. What symptoms are there that are NOT due to hormone levels? Woozy? Not sure about that one. Peeing a lot? I got up to pee during the night for four nights straight. And then it stopped. Hasn’t happened for a week now. What’s up with that? Intense hunger? Again, HORMONES. I’m injecting myself full of progesterone that will make me tired, hungry, nauseous and give me tender boobs. What if I’m not pregnant anymore?

Yes, I’m aware that I’m slightly paranoid and over analyzing the situation. Intellectually I KNOW this. And intellectually I also know that if there’s a problem there’s nothing to be done about it. I’m already doing everything I can do. It will either work or it won’t. But it doesn’t stop the worrying.
paranoid cartoon
It’s been 11 days since my last beta test. It’s 6 more days until my first ultrasound. This wait is just a bit longer than the usual two week wait. And I really think it might be worse. At least when I was waiting to find out if I was pregnant I knew the first week was a wash. I usually made it through the first half easily. It was the second half that was hard a bitch. But you can test early so that 2nd week is shortened a bit. There’s no getting around this 17 day wait. Last week was not easy. And neither is this week.

And now I’ll stop complaining. I promise. 😉

T minus 6 days…

Conservative Clinic

September 10, 2010

Going through IVF last month has really made me realize that my Fertility Clinic is rather conservative. But I’m OK with that. It can be infuriating sometimes but I understand why they do it.

They rarely do 5 day embryo transfers despite what I’ve read about the increased success rates. Their reason? The embryos do not like being outside of the mother’s body. Although it’s easier to identify on Day 5 (as opposed to Day 3) which embryos will turn in to a baby, it’s apparently much more difficult to keep them alive those 2 extra days. So my clinic chooses to put them back in their natural environment as soon as possible instead of risking losing them all together.

My original beta HCG test was scheduled for 14 days past transfer day – not 14 days past retrieval. That seemed awfully late to me. But since I got a positive home test much earlier, I ended up going in for my first beta 3 days early. In my case, an earlier test worked out fine. But my Cycle Buddy, @IVFQueen, was not so lucky. Her clinic had her come in at 14 days past retrieval (I think). It turns out she had a chemical pregnancy and that beta came back at 12. But she couldn’t know if that number was on it’s way up or on its way down. So she spent two days waiting in agony to find out. I suspect this is one reason why my clinic prefers to test later. And why they had me come in for a 3rd number. They want to see it go over 300 to be safe.

My first ultrasound is scheduled at 7 wks. I’ve heard of others who go in during their 5th or 6th week of pregnancy. Some of them hear a heartbeat that early. Some of them don’t. The ones who don’t are left waiting in agony. Again, they are left wondering if it was simply too early or if there’s a problem. Another two week wait for my ultrasound is going to be PAINFUL. But I feel confident that the outcome will be definitive on that day. Or as definitive as it can be.

My RE once told me that she is open to trying anything and everything that her patients want to try. But she will only suggest treatments that are based on empirical evidence – treatments that have been thoroughly tested and proven to be effective. I think I like that attitude. Not afraid to try new things, but also not quick on the draw to try the latest, unproven, possibly fad, treatment. One example was DHEA. She discussed that with me. She said they don’t routinely use it because the evidence of its efficacy is controversial. She also said it causes severe acne. But she was willing to try it if I wanted to. Fortunately we didn’t have to.

So anyway, while I go crazy waiting for this ultrasound I just have to keep telling myself that it’s worth the wait. They’ve done right by me so far so I have to keep trusting their judgment.

Um… BFP???

August 28, 2010

Confession: I’m an obsessive POASer (that’s a person who pees on a stick A LOT for those not in the know – please don’t judge). I bought these several months ago so I could POAS as much as I wanted without worrying about cost. I started at 6dp3dt (6 days past 3 day transfer). I started then because I had forgotten to test a few days earlier to make sure the trigger (HCG) shot was out of my system. I wanted to know for sure that it was gone so I could rely on a positive result later if I got one. And I knew that 6dt3dt was too early. And it was negative as expected.

But I had opened Pandora’s box. So when I realized that the next day (7dp3dt) was 10 dpo… I just had to test again. Supposedly that is the absolute earliest the most sensitive home test can turn up positive. A few days before I had an upward shift on my BBT chart. I also got a cold sore which I haven’t had in at least a year if not two. My chronic sinus infection got worse despite the prophylactic antibiotics I was on the week before for IVF. I just felt like implantation had occurred a few days before and there was a little one sucking up all my energy. So there was a chance of a positive. But keep in mind all this happened at the same time Pops went back in the hospital. So I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t stress-induced.

What I got was what appeared to be negative at first. But later looked like such a faint positive that I thought I was imagining it. I compared it to the stick from the day before and sure enough it seemed like there was something there – not even really a line, but a pink something. But it couldn’t really be called a positive. Right Guy even confirmed that I was not seeing things. So I figured the next day, 8dp3dt, it would either be darker or it would be gone and the first one was a faulty stick. No such luck. Again, there was the faintest of lines. Definitely not darker. If anything it was harder to see. But this time I used a back up FRER to confirm. Negative.

That was yesterday. When I got home last night that FRER had turned positive. That’s not technically considered a positive since it didn’t show up in the designated timeframe. But it definitely seems to indicate a BFP.

Which brings us to this morning. 9dt3dt or 12 dpo. I now have 3 different brands of tests with faint lines on them. The lines are still faint but definitely darker than yesterday. Dare I hope that this is it?

I’m in a state of disbelief. I don’t think I ever truly allowed myself to believe this day would come. And there’s still many hoops to jump through – several beta tests, ultrasound to look for a heartbeat, etc. I’ve learned all this from my Tweeps on Twitter. I know what to expect.

Right Guy has not wavered in his belief that I am pregnant. He’s been sure about it since transfer day when we found out we had good quality embryos. Which has completely robbed me of the opportunity to surprise him with the results. I’m kind of bummed about that.

Now we just have to wait and see if my betas are OK and if so, do they indicate twins or not. Right Guy very definitely does NOT want twins. Admittedly, twins would be a logistical nightmare. If I make it through this pregnancy, moving across the country with one infant will be hard enough. But I can’t help but think about TWINS with a smile. 🙂

I’m really apprehensive about putting this out there so early. What if I’m wrong? (Realistically, how could I be wrong at this point? I’ve never ever seen a faint line before, let alone on 3 different tests.) What if it’s chemical? What if I miscarry? What if it’s ectopic? Why can’t I just enjoy this freaking moment? It’s SO NOT how I imagined it.

The Jury Is Still Out

July 30, 2010

I really thought I’d know by now. I suppose I’m naive. But at 12 dpo I figured a + would show up. Especially because I thought I felt something like implantation back at 7dpo. So when it didn’t, and my temps started inching down my chart I assumed I wasn’t pregnant.

I was so sure yesterday that I’m not pregnant. And this morning. And… well… pretty much now. BUT.

Weird things happened today.

Weird pink spotting. That turned brown. And then stopped. Perhaps Aunt Flo is playing tricks on me and ringing my doorbell and then hiding behind the bushes laughing at me as I step out on the porch looking around trying to figure out what’s going on. She’s played tricks before. But never like this. Never quite so subtly. Usually, if she decides to play tricks, she just hangs out on the porch and pretends like she’s going to come in but doesn’t. Or maybe she steps inside and then steps back out. But I always know it’s her.

This time… I’m not so sure. It’s probably her playing a new game (why can’t she just be consistent?!). But it *could* be late implantation. In which case this (hypothetical) baby clearly takes after its father. Right Guy never does anything until the last possible second. 😉 He’s my nemesis in that regard.

So… I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant. But I think I’ll wait a little longer before I have my I’m-Not-Pregnant-Again Margarita. Just to make sure Right Guy’s spawn isn’t in there infuriating me like his Daddy.