November Welcome

October 31, 2013

Hello there!

I did a few things recently that lead me to believe there might be some new people stopping by.

1. I registered for BlogHer 2014
2. I signed up for NaBloPoMo
3. I signed up for ICLW

That last one doesn’t really warrant the disclaimer that I feel I should make for the first two. I’ve done ICLW in the past and it’s usually other infertility bloggers who already know that I talk a lot about my lady bits. But if you’re NOT an infertility blogger then consider yourself warned: I talk about my lady bits a lot here. I write about other things as well but since I’m having a hysterectomy this month you should expect to see the word uterus a lot.

Just sayin’. Consider yourself warned.

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When I got the update last night that the embabies had landed in Memphis – which is a major FedEx hub (or perhaps their U.S. headquarters) – my mind immediately thought of Tom Hanks and Wilson stranded on a desserted island.

What if they got put on the wrong plane and it crashed in the middle of the Pacific?

So of course Right Guy took that one step further…
What if they crashed in the Pacific and somehow melded with lizard DNA and a giant Godzilla with a face that resemebled a mix of our faces attacked Japan?

I almost blew wine out my nose!

In the face of anxiety (and mine wasn’t even that bad, really) the best way to deal seems to be to take your worries to the utmost extreme.

Worked like a charm. 😉

So what are some of your crazy/silly scenarios that get you through infertility?

P.S.

Also discussed: If (this last) FET doesn’t work we will get a new kitten. Or possibly a puppy.

I don’t think I expected to walk away from my appointment this morning with a clear vision of what lies ahead. Nor a true decision or even a discernible path. I think I just felt like getting our questions answered would help to further us along in our decision making process.

Except that now I feel like we’re back at square one.

We’ve been coming at this all wrong I think. We’ve been thinking about what to do with these remaining embryos. And when it comes to surrogacy, I think a volunteer is still our preference. HOWEVER, it does NOT make sense to use a compensated gestational carrier for these embryos. Here’s why:

If we’re going to go to all the trouble of finding and vetting a carrier, a lawyer and an agency and paying all of them then we should make sure that the money and time and effort are well spent by using the best embryos possible. NewRE2 says you just can’t tell enough about quality with 3d embryos. So he advises 5d. If we use me, the plan is to thaw our 3d embies and grow to blast. But again, it doesn’t make sense to go through all the hassle of setting up a surrogacy if the embryos don’t make it to blast. So… if we consider surrogacy it seems prudent to go all the way and not half-ass it trying to save money. Which means doing a fresh IVF. On purpose this time (yikes!). And without any insurance coverage (double yikes!).

This thought had indeed occurred to me before. But we’ve been SO focused on what to do with the embryos we have that we dismissed this option.

I still think I’m kind of against it. When you look at everything that is involved in surrogacy and the price tag that goes with it, it’s really easy to see how that “just adopt” phrase makes sense. When comparing the two, adoption starts to look easier and is certainly cheaper.

My gut feeling at this point is to do this:
-Suppress me to see if we can beat back the adenomyosis a little (although I’m really worried about how I react to Lupron), this was a new idea put forth by NewRE2 this morning
-Prep ME for a FET
-Attempt to grow the 3d to 5d
-If one or both make it put them in me and cue psychological break with reality

If this plan does not result in a child, we go back to evaluating the choice of adoption vs surrogacy. I believe I will come down in favor of adoption. Right Guy… he seems to be all over the place lately. He’s now considering things he was rather vehemently opposed to a year ago. I guess now that it’s all real he’s finally thinking it through. NewRE2 sent us to the clinic social worker immediately afterwards and we talked with her. I think that helped him more than me, oddly. By the time we left the clinic I had more than reached my limit of touchy-feely for the day.

So that’s where we’re at. As for how I FEEL about all this? Many of you have asked me that. I do not have a good response. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I only know that I have to do something.

I will leave you with the one thing I am NOT confused about

I’m A Bad ICLWer

August 27, 2010

Once again I have managed to sign up for, but not fully participate in, ICLW. I think I might have to just give up.

Good news: my father will be released from the hospital today or tomorrow.

Bad News: Between Pops in the hospital and my whirlwind last minute IVF I am über behind at work.

I promise that at the very least I will return the comments left here this week. But I’m not sure I’ll be able to catch up on leaving the rest of those comments any time soon.

My sincerest apologies.

My ovaries are like an easy bake oven – slow to cook. It’s like trying to bake chocolate chip cookies at 200 F – it takes a little longer.

Easy Bake Oven

I had my CD12 ultrasound yesterday. By the RE’s definition it was CD12. By my definition it was CD13. But whatever. I was ecstatic to learn that I had 9 antral follicles! Nine! That’s the most I’ve ever had at any one time on an ultrasound. Obviously, most of them aren’t anywhere near maturity rendering them irrelevant for this cycle. But I’m just happy to know that there are still a few eggs left in my basket. Or maybe slightly more than a few.

I was also happy to learn that my right ovary is taking lead this month. I’m not sure I’ve ovulated from that side yet so I wanted to give her a chance. <superstition> And that’s Kokopelli’s ovary . </superstition> I think I’ll refer to the right ovary as Koko from now on. Koko has TWO contenders this month. Yesterday I had one follie at 14.5 and another at 15.4. Assuming they continue to grow at the same rate they should release together. That will increase my odds that ONE of them will be good – or make me eat my words about how I won’t have twins. I’d be OK with either outcome.

Lefty had a follie at 10.5 and two other smaller ones. There were also and additional 4 smaller ones on Koko. So it seems I’m improving on quantity. And size. The last Clomid cycle only yielded two follicles, one at 10 and the other at 11 on CD12. One of them eventually released on it’s own but it was considered a failed response. This time it’s not a failure. Just a slow bake. This time they aren’t cancelling the trigger shot – just delaying it a bit. I’ll trigger this weekend for a ~CD17/18 ovulation.

They gave me the option of going back in for another ultrasound tomorrow to confirm that the follies are continuing to mature but I decided to skip that. The doc didn’t really think it would matter much. In retrospect I’m questioning that decision. If I trigger and they’re not mature, the eggs won’t be viable and I won’t get pregnant. If they’re not mature and I wait for them to release on their own maybe they’d be viable. But then I run the risk of ovulating while Right Guy is working nights next week. I can’t say I’m a fan of either option. So I think I’ll just follow the plan and hope for the best.

I wonder if there’s a way to turn up the temp on my Clomid Bake Oven? Actually, I think that’s called injectibles and that will likely happen next month.
hypodermic needle

Or… more appropriately, How I’m About To Get My Groove Back.

All this infertility nonsense has taken the all the fun out of sex. It’s only procreational now and hardly ever recreational. My hormones are usually so out of whack I have no sex drive anymore and the fertility drugs make me so crampy that it’s all I can do to just get it done. And I was expecting more of the same this week as I (hopefully) approach ovulation day. But then I saw a bunch of Old Spice you tube videos.

Isaiah Mustafa and the people behind the Old Spice marketing campaign could not have had better timing. His image is indeed burned in my brain and I can’t wait to get home for that babymaking sex. For anyone else who finds him as hot as I do, go follow @OldSpice on twitter and watch until you can’t wait to go home and jump your man. So my response to Ojai (the video above) is to ask “Why do you want your wife to stop watching? You’ll only reap the benefits later.”

Brought to you by “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like.” Thank you @OldSpice.

What am I good at? Designing databases. I think. Organizing things and data. But that’s pretty difficult to get a picture of. What do I like about myself? Certain physical features come to mind – my eyes, or, once upon a time, my legs. There are other things I’m good at or like about myself but my Inner Strength has saved me countless times so I chose to pay homage to it this week. By taking a picture of my outer strength – such as it is.

Back when I was kickboxing I had some guns. Not so much anymore. But the point is that I am a strong person on the inside. I’m not sure where I’d be without that trait. It helps me survive the ordeals of life. It keeps me calm in a crisis. It allows me to be a good/better friend when my friends need me. And I am gratetful for it.

muscle flex

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