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Silly Sunday

May 11, 2014

Today is Mother’s Day in the US and Canada (perhaps other countries as well?). It’s a day I’ve struggled with for a long long time. Long before infertility.

For many infertile women this day is hard because they long to be celebrated as a mother. That’s true for me. But many women suffering in that way can still find some small joy in celebrating their own mothers. I cannot.

I have a mother. She loves me. In her own unique way. She tries. Especially in recent years she has tried harder and put forth extra effort to repair our relationship. I realize that many don’t have mothers that try. And many have lost their mothers to disease/addiction/trauma/tragedy/old age. I am lucky to have a mother that tries. But the scars from the past are not so easily forgotten. And for all her trying…she still often falls short in my eyes.

Perhaps I’m too hard on her. Perhaps I should thank her for my fierce independence which was born from her lack of nurturing and her abundance of discipline. Perhaps I should thank her for my feminisminspired directly by her despite her being anti-feminist.

All I know is that, at 40 years old, I still find it very difficult to celebrate her.

I often feel that struggle is harder. I know in my heart I will be a mother to a child. I know in my heart that I’ve been the best mother to my six embryos that my body would allow. But I don’t know that I will ever like or respect my mother for who she is.

And I guess I just haven’t yet made peace with that.

“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
― W.C. Fields

Recently Right Guy and I have been doing something that we never allowed ourselves to do before: talk baby names.

Previous pregnancies resulted in us knowing that we were on the same page with names in general terms – although that was not a huge surprise. We are both pretty solidly in the classic name camp. As with most things in our lives, I’m more liberal and open to alternate spellings and or new twists than he is but it’s nice to know we are starting the same book together even if not on the exact same page.

Which is why it came as a total shock to me that he pretty much hates my favorite girl name. Um…what?!

For no good reason. It’s not an ex-girlfriend’s name or anything like that. He just doesn’t like it. Hmpf.

But there’s another girl name pretty high on my list that he likes. It is a family name for both of us. It’s even spelled the same in both our families and this is a name with several conventional spellings and even more newer alternate spellings. So…if we have a girl I think she has a name. Although I’m also a big fan of the idea of meeting her first and making sure it works for her. I’m also a fan of arguing my case for the other name I like. We shall see…

We are a bit lost on boy names though. Trying to pick a classic yet not boring nor too popular boy name that doesn’t end in -er is kind of difficult.

Which pretty much guarantees us to get a boy.

But this is all extremely premature as there are no babies to name yet. But it’s exciting that we finally let ourselves start talking about it.

Holiday Traditions

November 27, 2013

How important are traditions to you around the holidays? And how have you had to change them since marriage/kids/death?

Growing up I always spent Thanksgiving at my grandmother’s house amongst all manner of distant relatives that showed up for the annual family reunion.

Once my brother got his license we began driving to Pops’ house after the meal at our grandmother’s and having a second Thanksgiving meal with him. Having divorced parents is really not all bad. 😉

Two Turkey Dinners > One Turkey Dinner.
In case you were wondering.

Then my grandmother had to go live in a nursing home and her house was sold. That was a hard tradition to give up. I will forever associate this holiday with a huge crowd of people – a true “the more the merrier” kind of celebration. Someone always “brought home a stray” or two. Anyone of us who knew someone who had nowhere to go on Thanksgiving knew that our friends always had a place at my grandmother’s table. Momz’ family tried to keep up the tradition alternating at other houses but eventually it fizzled out after my grandmother died.

But I had the new tradition of Pops’ Thanksgiving to ease the transition. When I married Wrong Guy it just conveniently worked out that we spent Thanksgiving with my family and Xmas with his. It seems to be working out that way so far with Right Guy as well.

From age 12 until Pops died I think I only missed 2 Thanksgivings with him. I was out of the country for one. And had just moved across the country for the other. Not only was it his favorite holiday, I was always with him for it. In TWENTY FIVE YEARS I missed only TWO Thanksgivings with him. So it’s natural to think about him a lot this time of year.

Tomorrow will be my third Thanksgiving without Pops. I will be with Right Guy, my brother, SIL and the Kiddos. And we will toast the Old Man. And perhaps this will become our new tradition.