Where do I fit?

January 22, 2015

Sometimes I really struggle with my infertile identity. Not to mention integrating that identity within the rest of me. (Yes, I have a whole other life, I swear.) You might be surprised to hear that I struggle to find my place because there are so many places I can go since I’ve been around the Infertility Block many times. But here’s why:

In the land of ALL THINGS INFERTILITY (ie. General Infertility, Disease Specific Infertility, Loss of Babies & Organs) I most closely identify with other women who have had ectopic pregnancies. And yet, I often don’t fit well with them for two reasons: 1. I had a rare non-tubal ectopic pregnancy and 2. I identify more closely with abortion than miscarriage in the treatment of my two ectopic pregnancies. The latter is generally not a popular opinion so I’m unable to express it often.

The next group I most closely identify with is the hysterectomy crowd. Again, I don’t fit so well there either. Why not? Because apparently a large part of the hysterectomy experience is grieving the loss of your uterus or wrapping your mind around the fact that it was “ripped out” of you. Well…I do grieve the loss but I lost it long before it was removed. And I happily evicted it because it kept trying to kill me. See also: it wasn’t my first (or 2nd, or 3rd, or…) surgery or even my most emotional one. I’m down so many organs at this point it’s difficult to mourn the physical absence of something that never served me (appendix, fallopian tubes, uterus…). So…strike two.

I’m childless. But I intend to adopt.

I attempted surrogacy. But it failed.

I intend to adopt. But haven’t yet.

I have endometriosis. But I’ve always felt like I got off light as there are so many women with way worse symptoms than I ever had.

I’m not actively pursuing any route to parenthood at this moment.

I’m not…anything. I’m just wandering the cafeteria looking for my peeps. A bunch of them are waving me over but when I go sit with them I often end up feeling even more alone as I realize that my experience was not really their experience. I know everyone’s experience is unique but I still crave the “Me too.” And I’m lucky to have so many people saying, “Come sit by me.”

And yet, sometimes the only place I feel comfortable is alone.

mean girl alone

Maybe the real problem is that I refuse to wear pink on Wednesdays. I hate pink.

But also hate being whiny. Conundrum.


11 Responses to “Where do I fit?”

  1. Lauren Says:

    I hear ya. In so many areas of my life, not just IF, I feel like an outsider or different. I’ve yet to draw any conclusions, but wanted to reach out and say that, in my own way, I get it.

    (And I love pink. Give me all your pink!)

    • Fox Says:

      You can have ALL the pink! Sometimes I’m totally cool being an outsider. I’ve always sort of done my own thing. But that was by choice. And this is not. I know one aspect of it will get better once we start the adoption process and I can more easily identify through that lens. But I still struggle being the medical <1%.

  2. soangiewrites Says:

    I’m glad to have you as a friend. ❤

  3. Fox great post. I understand how you feel all to well. For years I feel like our IF scenario has always been that round peg trying to fit into a square hole. I wish I could say that resolves but it doesn’t. I think that is what makes us all unique. Our stories. Now, I am not saying to gather everyone you know around in a circle and sing combaya by the camp fire but something is said about surrounding yourself with those who are in your ring to support you whether their path mirrors your or not. Sending you love!!

    • Fox Says:

      I really am grateful to have so many awesome people saying, “Come sit by me.” Yet still i search for the, “Me, too.” Sigh. Thanks!

  4. Mrs T Says:

    I too like charting my own path and being the outsider sometimes, but I think it’s totally natural to want the “me too” experience SOMEWHERE. It’s what drove most of us online in the first place, right? I’m sorry that you drew a card with no apparent matches, but I am glad to have you at my table when you want to sit there. (I think I turned your cafeteria metaphor into a card game, sorry about that.)

  5. Dipitie Says:

    Anything remotely profound or thoughtful has already been said, so I’m saying ditto. And I’m here for you. xoxoxo

  6. Mali Says:

    I wish I’d found your blog when you were going through your ectopic pregnancy. I’m here from a link on Ms Infertile’s blog, and could identify with a lot in your post. I had two ectopics – one an interstitial ectopic that took about seven months to resolve. I can relate to much you described on your post in 2011 – how having methotrexate can bring all sorts of conflicting relationships.

    I’ve also had a hysterectomy – though only last year, and I’m no longer actively pursuing any family building activities. Like you, my uterus was in the end trying to kill me, so I haven’t felt any grief with seeing it go.

    I hope you can move from niche to niche and find understanding, maybe not all in one space (because we’re all so different), but across the spectrum, and know that you’re not alone.

    I had to laugh at your last two paragraphs. Forget pink. And yes, conundrums indeed.

    • Fox Says:

      Oh wow. You’re the first person I’ve ‘met’ who’s been through such a long ectopic pregnancy. I feel it changed me fundamentally somehow. But most people don’t really get it. They try to. But I think it’s impossible to if you haven’t been through something similar. So…in short, I am both happy and sad to encounter you.

      And I’m glad I made you laugh. I do try to entertain through the pain. Operative word being TRY. 😉

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: