Glitter. It’s everywhere.

July 9, 2014

Have you heard? Lately there’s been a rash of rainbow unicorn glitter induced “miracle” pregnancies amongst the infertile of the Twitterverse.

If you are one of those people, please know that I am sincerely happy for you. This post is not about you personally. It’s just my reaction to this collective occurrence. Because it seems to be on a roll as more and more of you achieve this magical state of beglittered unicorn.

Intellectually, medically, statistically… I know these pregnancies are somewhat inevitable. So few people are truly and completely INfertile – as in not capable AT ALL of EVER reproducing.

If you have a 1% chance then…odds are some of you are going to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I mean, that’s what my RE originally advised us to do because 1% is not 0%.

So I get it. I know. In my brain. But my heart doesn’t always listen to my brain. I also know you feel guilty. And I’m sorry if this post makes you feel more guilty. But it’s not about you.

This is about me. [Duh. My blog and all.]

I had a hysterectomy. This magical state is now completely IMPOSSIBLE for me to achieve. 0% chance. When I made my decision to evict Medusa I did it with full knowledge that there would no longer be even a glimmer of hope of achieving that magic. But at the time I wasn’t witnessing tweep after tweep succumbing to the unicorn. And now I am.

Fresh on the heels of a failed surrogacy. The surrogacy which basically allowed me to not fully process my hysterectomy because there was still a chance of a bio baby. I mourned the loss of being pregnant but I didn’t mourn the loss of biological children.

And now I’m supposed to be doing that mourning that I didn’t do before. But now I’m doing it in the midst of beglittered unicorns.

beglittered unicorn, gold
I know mourning this loss isn’t supposed to be easy but now I’m second guessing the hysterectomy.

Well…not truly. I’m not regretting it. Not exactly. I’ve just got a really really bad case of the What Ifs. What if I had waited a bit longer? Would I now count myself amongst the unicorns?

It’s kind of impossible not to ask that question right now. Once the glitter is in your house it’s impossible to get rid of it. And it has taken hold (hostage?) of my brain at the moment. All these unicorns are getting it everywhere.

Yeah, I know, my uterus was fucked. So how could I even think this? I can think it because OldRE thought it might still be possible. My uterus was not necessarily incapable of carrying to term – the odds were just not in favor of that outcome. Just like all these couples (mostly the lady halves) I see on Twitter. The odds were against it. But it happened anyway. Could it have happened for me too? Highly unlikely. BUT WHAT IF?

If you’ve got a cure for the What Ifs I’d love to hear it. I fear it’s basically the same thing as glitter, though: once it’s in your house there’s NO GETTING RID OF IT.

[Seriously, this is not even metaphor. Have you ever done an art project with glitter?]

The next time glitter deigns to enter my house it had better come with a kid attached.


17 Responses to “Glitter. It’s everywhere.”

  1. Jenn Says:

    I still find red and green and gold glitter from when I mistakenly made my own Christmas ornaments 4 years ago. I moved. I still find the fucking glitter. WHERE IS IT COMING FROM?!

    Twitter has made me feel like a leper. I don’t even know how to be on there most days. I think there were 4 or 5 announcements yesterday alone. PLEASE STOP GETTING PREGNANT.

    I am just going to stand behind you from now on, since you have a 0%. Was that insulting? Too late now. It’s not too late. I can still delete it since I’m still writing this comment, but now I feel like it has gotten too out of hand and there is no turning back.

    I really need to work on my commenting skills.

  2. Mrs T Says:

    I don’t know how to solve the what-ifs and still have them myself (though of course I could still technically end up on the glittery unicorn side of things so the “processing” is different) but I do love how you ended this post. Hugs to you.

  3. gsmwc02 Says:

    I can definitely empathize where you are coming from regarding the hysterectomy and wondering what if you had decided not to go through with it and continue to try. For me I had the option of having my nuts sliced and diced to see if there is anything that could be extracted from there but decided against it as there has never been a reported case of finding anything with my Microdeletions and I didn’t want to pass along this condition to a male child. Even though it was the right call I wonder at times what if I had gone through it and beaten the odds? When you see these miracle pregnancies happen it makes you wonder whether you gave up too soon.
    The reality is all of our situations are different. What works for one person will not work for anyone else on the planet. When you add in another party to the picture with conception it makes it even less likely.
    What you are saying makes so much sense that you would feel that way. Anyone else in your position would feel the same way.

  4. Thank you for writing this. Seriously. Because I am there with you. I have 0% chance of a spontaneous pregnancy, and I am happy and thrilled for the surprises but so damn bitter and jealous too. And I hesitate to even complain here because I do have a child, so my sour grapes are for a second child, but damn it has been triggering for me. I love how you ended the post too:-)

  5. ((Hugs!)) and wine. It has been glittery lately. I wish there was something I could do, other then be here for you.

  6. Wendryn Says:

    We had a 3% chance over five cycles of IUI. IVF we maybe had a 3% chance per cycle at best. We walked away. What Ifs are ridiculously hard. There are days I stay off all social media because all the “My little one is the size of a peanut today!” and “Look at this beautiful ultrasound picture!” posts just make me want to break something. We have a little girl, and she’s amazing and wonderful (and a little bit of a pain, being almost 3), and I can’t, at this point, imagine being a mom to anyone else, even a biologically-related kiddo. It’s not that we aren’t parents, at this point. It’s that there are days I really want to kick the people who just got pregnant unexpectedly and isn’t it wonderful?!

    In other words, at least to an extent, I know what you mean. I turn off the computer and go for a run when it’s too bad. I try really hard to focus on the good things and keep a very tight rein on my kicking foot. πŸ˜› I could live in What If land, but, if I let myself, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the things I do have. Some days it’s harder than others. I wish you luck in focusing on the joyful bits and slogging through the PITA bits.


  7. DUDE. Yes. I am so happy for them, but so, so bitter. I have 0% chance of spontaneous conception. I can’t afford IVF, not sure I ever will. All I can think about are the what-ifs. It’s so fucking terrible, but so completely normal I think. All we want is a child. Any child at this point (almost). I hate the desperation I feel. It makes me feel unhuman =(.

  8. Geochick Says:

    What ifs have been plaguing me forever it seems like. Pulling for baby + glitter for you. One way or the other.

  9. I haven’t seen too too much of this yet recently, but did live through a similar stage in the not too distant past. Now, I too am about to evict my Medusa.

    Now a parent through adoption these unicorns are the ONLY thing that brings me back down the rabbit hole. I hear you 100%. I wish I had advice. Only empathy. I can say when you get to the point of parenting a child, this will matter a lot less. How much less varies, but I can promise it will be less…

  10. hipsterczar Says:

    i have always followed the belief that the ‘what-ifs’ in life is what keeps holding us back, not allowing us to move and transform ourselves in better human beings… but these ‘what-ifs’ are the hardest ones to get rid of!

    for now, what i have to say is ‘i hate glitter!’ and you’re not alone!

    • Fox Says:

      Thanks! Glitter really is the worst. The what ifs will pass. Eventually. They just kind of suck right now.

  11. Jodi Says:

    Great post!

  12. Dipitie Says:

    I still have my ute and it seems reasonably normal, as far as I know. No glitter shitting unicorns on my doorstep. Try not to second guess your decisions (((hugs)))

  13. staciasymone Says:

    Though my first pregnancy was a little traumatic, still, I can’t imagine getting a hysterectomy. I live in this chamber of what-ifs and if I’m not careful it tends to suffocate me.

  14. Fox Says:

    I was reminded of this post recently. Glitter. Not all you think it is. πŸ˜‰

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