Everything Happens For A Reason

May 25, 2014

No. It doesn’t.

It happens.

The End.

I really detest when people say, “Everything happens for a reason.”

This is most likely going to be a mostly unpopular post but I know it will resonate with a few people.

There is no reason for random occurrences. Any meaning an event has is assigned by you. It has no inherent meaning. Meaning can only be given by a person. And each person can assign a different meaning to the same event. It is your interpretation that gives it meaning or purpose. But the event itself has NO INHERENT MEANING.

I believe there are infinite possibilities in life. So who is to say that my current life is any better/worse than the life I would have had if X [my divorce, my ectopic pregnancies] had never happened?

The shitty things that happen in life do not happen because X > Y or Future > Current. That’s a lie people tell themselves to make them feel better. Just like religion and “It’s God’s will.”

It did not happen for a reason. It just happened. There is no comparison to be made. Life would simply be DIFFERENT. X is not better than Y. X is not worse than Y. X ≠ Y.

Think of the butterfly effect. Think every SciFi time travel movie plot.

I will no doubt love my future adopted child so much that I will not be able to imagine my life without him/her. But that doesn’t mean that infertility gave me a gift. It doesn’t mean that I was destined for that one particular child. It simply means that my life is different because of it.

Different ≠ Good.
Different ≠ Bad.
Different = Different.

Suppose… I had those 3 year old twins right now…

Would I be happier?

Yes. In some ways. I’d have kids instead of not.

But.

I would likely be…
-more tired
-never have ME time
-in love with my kids regardless

I could even be…
-single parenting
-partnered with someone else
-in a job/relationship I hated
-living with Momz (yikes!)

Who knows what all would be different in my life if those twins had survived? When I think about it, I imagine my current life… but with toddlers. But the reality is that my entire life would likely be very different. Different house. Different job.

Given the infinite permutations your life can take based on both big and small decisions…how can you assign meaning to anything? That “meaning” is a moving target. If you turn left instead of right the meaning can change because the events that unfold afterwards will change.

roadsigns

It’s easy to say that because Wrong Guy left me…I met Right Guy. But what if there’s a RightER Guy out there that I didn’t meet? What if I hadn’t actually met Right Guy? Our first date was supposed to be my 2nd date with a guy I met on eHarmony. That guy had 2 kids…

But my life has been a series of detours on the path the motherhood. Sometimes those detours were clear decisions I made. And other times there was an obstacle that blocked the path I wanted to take. Either way, those detours changed the outcome.

detour

My mind is always running…always calculating…and so, I know all too well that it could easily have taken a different turn. I don’t believe there’s only ONE person out there you can be happy with. Or that I am somehow destined to be a mother to a specific child.

Different ≠ Good.
Different ≠ Bad.
Different = Different.

And that has very little (or no) meaning.

It just is.

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15 Responses to “Everything Happens For A Reason”

  1. Mrs T Says:

    I found myself nodding through this whole post even though I’m totally an “everything happens for a reason” person. I agree that whatever meaning things have for you is the meaning you’ve assigned to it. And, as a personal philosophy and even more so a coping mechanism, I assign meanings to things. Where we see eye to eye, I think, is that I would never ever ever under any circumstances suggest to someone going through shit that they shouldn’t feel shitty because the shit is secretly going to turn out wonderful someday! That’s just insulting. (I think that’s also why I hate inspirational quotes. I need to do a blog post on this.)

    • Fox Says:

      I would love to read whatever you have to say on this topic! Actually I enjoy reading pretty much anything you write. 😉

      I agree that it’s a coping mechanism. I am currently struggling with whether or not I can adopt it. Or to what extent. I don’t want to be a negative person but I also feel strongly about “calling a spade a spade.” So which is it? Conundrum.

  2. Wife of a Sailor Says:

    I absolutely agree. I don’t understand why people can say “it happens for a reason” when babies are born and abused and killed within days of birth. There’s no REASON for that.

    You are 100% right in this post.

    • Fox Says:

      Yeah the really absurdly ridiculous ones get me the most. There is no reason for kids to suffer abuse. Ever.

  3. mindyminix Says:

    Most people in my experience that say these things, “everything happens for a reason”, or “time heals all wounds” (that’s a personal favorite), have good intentions and have no idea whatsoever what to say to you. Most of these same people have never been in a similar situation and can’t empathize. These statements tend to hurt more than anything.
    Good luck to you on your journey.

  4. carolina647 Says:

    When I used to teach high school, student after student would get pregnant while I tried unsuccessfully. I do not believe there is a supreme being that decides who get to have children and who does not. I do not think that I have been ‘given’ infertility so I can learn and grow. It happens because something is not quite right in my body or my DH (unfortunately every infertility medical test and procedure known to mankind can not figure out what it is). When people say that everything happens for a reason or it will happen when you are ready, they probably just do not know what to say. I used to get mad when people say stuff like that but I realized the intent is not mean even though it feels that way. Best of luck to you!

    • Fox Says:

      Oh I know that a lot of people mean well when they say it. And I generally cut them slack. But some people should know better. It feels too much pushing your beliefs on others. And that I take issue with.

  5. swo8 Says:

    I chose to find meaning in things because it helps me. Even if those meanings have no meaning to anyone else. It gets me through the night and day. However, there is no meaning to child abuse. That is just plain evil.
    Leslie

  6. Dipitie Says:

    Agreed. There is no good reason for any of these things to happen. It just is. I’m trying to find silver linings, but that’s for me, not because thus is the way things are supposed to be. I’m sorry, God does not have a plan. ❤

  7. wendryn Says:

    I hate that line so much. It makes me furious. I don’t have anything wise or interesting to say; I just agree.


  8. Yeah. I hate that statement. Rape? Murder? War? Natural disasters? UCSB? Those things didn’t happen for a reason? And my miscarriages? What’s the reasoning for that?

  9. Jess Says:

    I hate to admit it, but I was once one of those people who believed in the myth. It was such a happy place to live. I miss that certainty and faith in the world. I do agree with Mrs. T though- assigning reason can be a good coping mechanism.

  10. A. Says:

    It’s so human for us to want to assign meaning to our experiences, especially if we’re enduring something cruel. Sometimes accepting that our suffering is the result of chaos and chance is too much to bear. The rational part of my brain bristles whenever anyone wants to suggest that my circumstances are the product of some grand design–I don’t intellectually believe that because there are too many irreconcilable circumstances in the world in which the innocent suffer for no good reason and to their ultimate detriment. This is why most conceptions of God and faith don’t work for me because, honestly, if God “planned” all this–and by “all this” I mean every completely fucked thing that happens in the world–then he’s a sadist and, um, no thanks. But I have to concede that I naturally make connections between events and assign them (a lot of superstitious) meaning as if I can psychically predict what will happen to me by searching for synchronicity, serendipity, and some causal factor in my life that makes it all make sense. That instinct is always there pushing against the pragmatist, the atheist, who knows better.


  11. We live in a fallen world where demons and evil spirits exist. We all suffer in that respect. Infertility does suck and I would not wish it on anyone, but for me it opened doors that never would have opened and led me to an adoption that I could never have imagined is far better than any other option.


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