Stepping Back

May 23, 2014

I will never carry a baby.

I will never feel a baby kick me from the inside.

Right Guy will never feel my belly move with his child.

[Food babies? Yes. Real babies? No.]

But I’ve already dealt with this, you say?

No. Not completely.

When I had the hysterectomy I knew what I was giving up. But I also had the promise and hope of surrogacy. So while I knew that I was giving up first hand experience… I was still hoping to have all those experiences second hand…through B.

But now.

All that is gone.

And I am left with grief.

Which was expected. My inability to deal with said grief was not expected, however.

still processing


7 Responses to “Stepping Back”

  1. Jenn Says:

    I can only imagine. I know you’re already seeing a shrink.. is she/he helping at all? I recommend stepping back from Twitter for a while. In the however-long I have been there, I have never seen so many surprise BFPs, BFPs after IVF, meds, IUI, or surrogacy. Like all at once.

    You seem to take everything in stride, so I thought maybe you keep the painful part to yourself and don’t really make it apparent to everyone else. *Vag Kicks*

  2. Dipitie Says:

    Infertility is really good at robbing us of so many things. When you think you’ve dealt with all the loss, it bring up another one. (((HUGS)))

  3. Angela Says:

    It seems like every big step in the IF process is another punch to the face. We kind of think we can process it, since we have everything else. But… SURPRISE! We totally can’t and it knocks us the fuck out. Take care of yourself. Do you.

  4. soangiewrites Says:

    Thinking of you as you grieve. So much love to you.

  5. wendryn Says:

    Yup, this part really, really sucks. I sometimes still fight with the anger and sadness around infertility when I am around pregnant women, especially the ones that complain all the time. It doesn’t go away, not completely, but it does eventually get easier. I know that doesn’t help right now, though.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this.

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