Silly Sunday

May 11, 2014

Today is Mother’s Day in the US and Canada (perhaps other countries as well?). It’s a day I’ve struggled with for a long long time. Long before infertility.

For many infertile women this day is hard because they long to be celebrated as a mother. That’s true for me. But many women suffering in that way can still find some small joy in celebrating their own mothers. I cannot.

I have a mother. She loves me. In her own unique way. She tries. Especially in recent years she has tried harder and put forth extra effort to repair our relationship. I realize that many don’t have mothers that try. And many have lost their mothers to disease/addiction/trauma/tragedy/old age. I am lucky to have a mother that tries. But the scars from the past are not so easily forgotten. And for all her trying…she still often falls short in my eyes.

Perhaps I’m too hard on her. Perhaps I should thank her for my fierce independence which was born from her lack of nurturing and her abundance of discipline. Perhaps I should thank her for my feminisminspired directly by her despite her being anti-feminist.

All I know is that, at 40 years old, I still find it very difficult to celebrate her.

I often feel that struggle is harder. I know in my heart I will be a mother to a child. I know in my heart that I’ve been the best mother to my six embryos that my body would allow. But I don’t know that I will ever like or respect my mother for who she is.

And I guess I just haven’t yet made peace with that.


2 Responses to “Silly Sunday”

  1. Wannabemom Says:

    I don’t have a relationship with my mother and she’s never tried. My sister posted on FB about what a great mom she is and all I could think was ‘were we raised by the same woman?’

    Hope you survived the day. I trust that our crappy mom experiences will make us even better moms. Hope your baby comes to you soon!

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