The Surrogacy That Wasn’t
April 14, 2014
Not pregnant. The End.
#KitKaper, the surrogacy edition has now concluded.
I usually do not allow myself to hope much. Nor do I set expectations very high. If I set them at all. It’s so much easier to not be disappointed in someone or something if you never expected anything in the first place.
But recently I allowed myself to hope. I set expectations. I had thought it was something of a breakthrough that I was allowing myself to feel positively again after so long. I deluded myself into thinking it was HEALTHY.
I am a dumbass.
These lessons were hard-taught the first time around.
And even harder the second time around.
And yet, somehow, I picked myself up for a third round. And when I got knocked down that time it didn’t hurt quite as much. Perhaps because I saw that one coming. Or because I didn’t really expect anything different. Or maybe I never stood all the way up so my fall was shorter.
But this time. This time I should have known better.
I deluded myself with thoughts of “It’s FINALLY my turn.” Finally all that karma will find its way back to me.
Yeah. No. It’s not my turn. And karma appears to be just as directionally challenged as my embryos.
My past life must have been really horrible.
I fell like such a fool. And I feel like an asshat. Not only did I allow myself to hope, but I roped in all of you, too. Countless people (OK maybe not countless, let’s be real here, maybe 100, possibly even 200) were rooting for us and hoping for us. And now those people are let down too.
Because of me.
I suck. And I’m sorry.
Really, I feel HORRIBLE for putting everyone through this. The whole caper aspect of this might have been a truly bad idea. I like to put out good karma vibes, not shitty ones. My bad. I fucked up.
You may now return to your regularly scheduled, undoubtedly more inspiring, regular programming.
Many many many many thanks to BadAss B for trying. It’s not her fault. I know she’s feeling sad too and probably beating herself up a bit so if you follow her on twitter please send some love her way too. She is awesome and deserves some support.