The Surrogacy That Wasn’t

April 14, 2014

Not pregnant. The End.

#KitKaper, the surrogacy edition has now concluded.

I usually do not allow myself to hope much. Nor do I set expectations very high. If I set them at all. It’s so much easier to not be disappointed in someone or something if you never expected anything in the first place.

But recently I allowed myself to hope. I set expectations. I had thought it was something of a breakthrough that I was allowing myself to feel positively again after so long. I deluded myself into thinking it was HEALTHY.

I am a dumbass.

These lessons were hard-taught the first time around.

And even harder the second time around.

And yet, somehow, I picked myself up for a third round. And when I got knocked down that time it didn’t hurt quite as much. Perhaps because I saw that one coming. Or because I didn’t really expect anything different. Or maybe I never stood all the way up so my fall was shorter.

But this time. This time I should have known better.

I deluded myself with thoughts of “It’s FINALLY my turn.” Finally all that karma will find its way back to me.

Yeah. No. It’s not my turn. And karma appears to be just as directionally challenged as my embryos.

My past life must have been really horrible.

I fell like such a fool. And I feel like an asshat. Not only did I allow myself to hope, but I roped in all of you, too. Countless people (OK maybe not countless, let’s be real here, maybe 100, possibly even 200) were rooting for us and hoping for us. And now those people are let down too.

Because of me.

I suck. And I’m sorry.

Really, I feel HORRIBLE for putting everyone through this. The whole caper aspect of this might have been a truly bad idea. I like to put out good karma vibes, not shitty ones. My bad. I fucked up.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled, undoubtedly more inspiring, regular programming.

Many many many many thanks to BadAss B for trying. It’s not her fault. I know she’s feeling sad too and probably beating herself up a bit so if you follow her on twitter please send some love her way too. She is awesome and deserves some support.


27 Responses to “The Surrogacy That Wasn’t”

  1. I’m so sorry. There’s nothing else to say here except YOU and SHE haven’t disappointed anyone. The cosmic jerk faces who are pulling the strings (if they exist) have. NOT you. NEVER you.

  2. KeAnne Says:

    My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry & don’t apologize ever for the caper aspect. It was an honor to be able to participate & support you, even if the outcome was not at all what we wanted. If you need anything, you know how to reach me. I wish life were fair; shit like this proves it isn’t 😦

  3. Mrs T Says:

    I am so sorry. I had such high hopes that such a miraculous prologue would have a miraculous ending too. You’re no more a fool than the rest of us. And as for the caper, I just thank you for letting us in on it. I refuse to believe the shitty vibes of today outweighed the good vibes leading up. It says a lot about “internet friendships” that none of us will forget. Hugs to you and RG and B.

  4. Hope is all we have. I pray you find your way in this journey. Please don’t apologize to any of us. You did nothing wrong!!! I am very sorry. Your road is still unknown and that is a tough place to be. I hope you find peace.

  5. I want to wrap you up in a big boob squishing hug. You are not to blame for this. You are NOT to blame.

  6. Mona Says:

    You have nothing to be sorry about. You are not a fool. At all. You tried. Fools are people who don’t take risks and work towards what they want. You are in no way a fool. I am so sorry this didn’t work out, but you wouldn’t have known unless you tried. You have been an amazing friend and support person to do many. We are here to return the favor. ❤

  7. Jenn Says:

    The fact that YOU are apologizing to US is crazy. I would give you a for-real-only-a-little-awkward-hug if I could. I’m sorry for you guys and sorry to B for the guilt and sadness she probably feels. I’m terrible at making people feel better. I know you’re looking to adoption next, so I will re-focus my Karma energy toward that for you.

  8. slese1014 Says:

    I am so SO sorry! I was really hoping for you…and I enjoyed having hope for you. You worked so hard. Hugs to all of you!

  9. Catie.field Says:

    You let no one down, don’t even think like that. We hoped with you and we’ll build back up. We still have hope. Just maybe a for a different thing 🙂

  10. hipsterczar Says:

    I’m so sorry! But please don’t apologize! If anything, this put us all together and now we are here for you! Life is never perfect, we all have ups and downs. The difference is that some people have someone to share it with, while others have many many others to share it with!

  11. Lauren Says:

    I’m so sorry this didn’t work out. Karma is a bitch sometimes. I had high hopes for you, as we all did — but that doesn’t mean you need to apologise to us. It was an honour to participate vicariously. Take good care of yourself x

  12. oc15 Says:

    please don’t apologize to us! WE’RE sorry that you have to feel this disappointment and sadness. we celebrate your ups and support your downs. this is what this blog world is all about. xox

  13. jesskawrites Says:

    Oh man. That socks. I have no adequate words, but I am thinking of you and continuing to send good thoughts your way. Please don’t blame yourself for any of it though.

  14. Jess Says:

    It’s not your fault- hope is how we are all programmed. As hard as hope can be, it’s what makes the world go round. Just makes me so mad that Karma/ hope let you down. They don’t play fair. Sending love.

  15. Arwen Rose Says:

    This sucks so fucking much ladies, I am so sorry. Please do not ever apologise to us, we all like to rally round in hope for those we care about and you two are right up there. Huge hugs to you and huge hugs to B for her amazing efforts in this. Women like her are truly fantastic.
    Sending you both much love xxx

  16. Wannabemom Says:

    I’m so sorry. Hope is such a bitch sometimes. I’m sorry you got caught in her sticky lair.

  17. Aarthi Says:

    I just started reading your blog. I don’t know you at all but I do know that this isn’t your fault. Also please don’t blame yourself for hoping. Without hope there is nothing. I will keep you in my prayers. *hugs* hope you feel better soon.

  18. nonsequiturchica Says:

    Damn. That sucks. I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out. But do not apologize to us. You did nothing wrong by hoping and rallying others to hope that this would work. I wish it had a different outcome for you….

  19. Smile Says:

    Oh honey, to echo what everyone else has said. You have NOTHING to be sorry about. It has been an honor to follow your story and root for you and B to get that godamn happy ending. That evil bitch hope can truly go fuck herself. The only good in all of this is that when we can’t have hope for ourselves the rest of this community hopes and yearns, and roots for us. Take care of yourself and will be thinking of you.

  20. Geochick Says:

    This sucks so bad for you. Wallow for a while, it’s ok. Giant hugs to you and BadAss B

  21. I don’t think there is a way to do a complete hopeless transfer of embryos. To see those little photos of those little cells- and know that they are very makings of life. Even if your head is like a computer and able to compute out odds- the heart- oh the heart is something different. The heart is not about logic, and finds hope. Don’t ever apologize for having heart, for it is what makes us human.

    Sending you warm hugs for your happily ever after.

  22. Dipitie Says:

    FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t get the universe at all. It’s not fair.

  23. qrparker Says:

    You should adopt a puppy.

  24. […] just a few days of announcing that the surrogacy didn’t take and I would be pursuing adoption, I got the equivalent of “Well, have you thought […]

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