Holy Triggers Batman
April 7, 2014
What a truly bizarre two week wait.
I expected some of this. But not all of it.
I know how I felt during my FET. It was WAY WORSE than I imagined it would be (even though I didn’t write about it all until later). I thought that this time, since it’s not my body, it would be easier. And it is. At least in the fact that I’m not worried for my physical self. I thought I might be worried for B’s physical self. But I’m not. Not yet, anyway.
What is happening is that I’m reliving the 2ww from my IVF (PTSD much?). My first injectibles cycle. The one I postponed because Pops was in the hospital. And then he landed in the ER at 4dp3dt. Which was yesterday for this surro FET cycle. He recovered fairly quickly from that ER visit. Thankfully, he was at home doing fairly well by the time I landed in the hospital a month later.
And of course his cancer came back while I was still recovering from that pregnancy. And then he died. And then I was cleared for FET.
And now my almost 16 year old hyperthyroid renally challenged kitty seems to be boycotting both food and the litterbox.
The two week wait. Pregnancy.
They STILL equate – in my brain – to death and dying. Even when it’s not my body.
So yeah. This is tons of fun.
It is a truly bizarre thought process. My headshrinker says it’s completely normal. Memories are stored chronologically and when you access one you tend to get all the ones around it. Particularly if they are traumatic. So apparently I am not a raging lunatic for equating pregnancy (or even potential pregnancy) with death.
A negative beta will end it most likely as that will be a different outcome from the past.
A positive beta (or home pregnancy test) will likely keep the triggers coming for a few more weeks. This is not about the outcome of this surro FET cycle. I mean, it partly is but it’s about so much more.
I should have seen this coming. I suppose I did to a certain extent. But it’s proving to be far more powerful than I anticipated.
At least I’m not having panic attacks. I am not literally terrified like I was last time. I just can’t stop the emotions from coming. Instead of abject terror engulfing me I’m staring at a tidal wave of grief. Preferable, yes. But still quite large and consuming.
I miss my Dad. I want to talk to him. I want to cuddle my sick kitty but she won’t let me.
I will be OK. I always am. But this is going to be rougher than I anticipated. But also, once again, reaffirms that those embryos are way better off with B right now.