Blogoversary & Birthday

March 17, 2014

It’s been four years.

Four years since I started this blog.

Four years and a few months since I started trying to have a baby with Right Guy.

Twelve and a half years since I first began trying to get pregnant with Wrong Guy.

Twenty years since a doctor told me I should get pregnant right away due to endometriosis.

[Totally ignored that advice]

Five years since I decided to postpone adoption on my own and try for a biological child with Right Guy.

And forty years walking this earth.

OK, so I didn’t come out walking.

As you can see, I have numbers on the brain. I’m not sure why FOUR years has hit me so hard. Perhaps only because FORTY years is hitting me hard. What I do know is that I always wanted to have kids before I was 30. I didn’t want to be an “Old Mom.” Momz was an old Mom and I didn’t like it much. I’ve since come to realize that age alone does make you an “Old Mom.” Momz is just weird and would have behaved as an “Old Mom” regardless of how old she was. That was just her parenting style. Sure I may have more aches and pains than a 30 year old and infant-induced sleep deprivation may hit me a bit harder but age is just a number. I can still choose not to be an “Old Mom.” Age is just a number.

But still. FORTY. I have pretty much been freaking out about it since January 1st.

FOUR YEARS. I started thinking about all the people I met online when I started this blog and twitter. And how they all have kids now. Some of them have gotten pregnant, had a baby, gotten pregnant again and had a second baby. Most of them have a child in their home. All since I first ‘met’ them. I could have 3.5 year old twins. Or a 2.5 year old. My life would be SO VERY different.

I feel as if I have no right to feel this way with a surro FET just around the corner. I am super lucky that I have this one last opportunity. But it doesn’t erase how I got here.

Nor does it change the fact that I am FORTY with no child in my arms.

Don’t get me wrong, I am full of hope right now. And I don’t feel old. But it’s a milestone I never expected to reach with empty arms. And that aspect of it just plain sucks.

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4 Responses to “Blogoversary & Birthday”

  1. Elisha Says:

    I understand what you mean :/ Try not to look at the numbers…they will just suck some of the life out of you. hugs!

  2. Geochick Says:

    I realize I have a child in my home, but I still play with the numbers. The numbers suck. The numbers remind us we don’t have control over what works and what doesn’t. The numbers remind us of what could have been versus what the universe smacked us upside the head with.

    ((hugs))

  3. Kitten Says:

    I feel you. I’ll turn 37 shortly after this one (my first) is born. I never thought I’d be such an old first time mom. I can just imagine people thinking I’m the grandmother when I come to pick my kid up from school or daycare. There are lots of advantages to being an older parent, I’m sure, but that imagine of me next to some 23 year old mom makes me feel really old. Anyway… Happy birthday and happy blogiversary!


  4. Numbers suck sometimes. So much more it than you could eve tell. I still hope you have a great birthday anyways.


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