The One Where I Evicted My Uterus

December 19, 2013

People keep asking me how I am doing. I’m fine, some pain still but mostly I’m getting around pretty well. I’m not 100% yet and just sitting up for long periods of time is still problematic, but I can function on my own. I can drive, I can walk, I can work, etc.

No, but, how are you feeling EMOTIONALLY about having it gone?

Um…good riddance? It hasn’t hit yet?

At this point I’m starting to think it’s NOT going to hit. I thought I’d have some delayed emotional reaction to evicting my womb and any possibility of EVER carrying a child. But, so far…NOPE. I guess I’d already accepted that as fact long before Medusa was ousted. She was declared unfit so long ago. And twice even.

So here’s how it went down, sans emo.

It was a dark and stormy night. Well, dark and rainy anyway. It rarely storms here. We had to leave the house at 4am to drive the hour long trek to the hospital to arrive at 5am – two hours before surgery. Everything went pretty smoothly. I got checked in and paid my copay (which was more than they had originally told me but still quite reasonable). They gave me a space age gown you blow warm air directly into. BUT FIRST. Why don’t you just go pee in this cup real quick? Sigh. No, I’m not pregnant. But I will play your game ONE LAST TIME.

I’d been anxiously awaiting Aunt Flo for several days and wondering where the hell she was. She chose that pee-in-the-cup moment to finally appear. So, ten minutes later, when I’m in the super warm gown [Can I get one for home, please?] and the nurse is asking questions and comes around to When was the first day of your last menstrual period? I got to answer, “As of ten minutes ago, it’s TODAY.”

After the flurry of initial activity, Right Guy and I waited around for about an hour before anything else really happened. The anestesioloigst came in to introduce himself and explain his plan, etc. He was very sniffly and kept wiping his nose but claimed he wasn’t sick. It was a little unnerving but what can you do? I decided to take him at his word and just believe that he wouldn’t put anyone at risk. I explained that I had taken my Cele.brex just before I left the house as instructed and he seemed happy about that and confirmed my intent to try and go home after surgery. [The Celebrex was supposed to allow him to give me less general anesthesia and more local, thereby reducing the side effects of the general in the hopes of quicker/better pain management post-op so I could go home instead of needing to stay overnight. And I guess it worked.]

Finally Dr. CanDo arrived. She is ALL BUSINESS. You ready to get this done? Yes. Let’s do it then.

OK, she said more than that. And I was given the opportunity to ask any last minute questions, which I did. But it was still a pretty short conversation. Which suited me just fine. Let’s not drag this shit out. I appreciate a woman of few words.

The anesthesiologist came back and said it was time for the good meds. At some point the nurse had put in two IV lines. They wanted two two because it was robotic surgery. Something about the position you’re in during surgery and if anything goes wrong they want two lines. The explanation is a bit hazy. What happened next is A LOT hazy. The good meds kicked in HARD. I looked at Right Guy and smiled stupidly and said something like, “Holy Shit.” I honestly don’t remember if I said “I love you” before they wheeled me away. I know I meant to but, damn, I was out. I also don’t remember if I had to move off the gurney to the surgery table like I have had to in the past for pretty much every surgery I’ve ever had. I don’t know if my memory of doing that was from this surgery or one before.

Point being, I GOT THE GOOD DRUGS.

The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery and immediately trying to assess how much was done. I determined that I was not in enough pain for it to have been overly extensive. Don’t get me wrong, I was in pain, but not more than I had expected. The nurse said something about the catheter and did I want it out. Um, YES, please. And then he said it was time for more good drugs. And good drugs they were although I stayed awake too enjoy them this time.

I overheard him saying, “hysterectomy and bowel resection” and starting freaking out. What? Bowel resection? Wouldn’t I feel worse if they had done that? Also, he just gave me crackers to eat. Surely, I did not just have my bowel resected? I can only assume he was either misinformed or that there was someone else in recovery with a bowel resection.

After a cracker or two and a little juice they wheeled me back to the recovery area where you can have visitors and someone roused Right Guy and fetched him for me. He apparently slept through the entire thing. He claims he wasn’t fully asleep but later my surgeon said he was. Whatever, he hadn’t slept AT ALL that night and if he got to miss the anxiety of waiting so much the better. Again, I overheard the nurses talking and I heard something about “only one incision.” Really? Me? Not possible. I tried to mentally feel my belly for incisions. I wasn’t ready to see it/them yet. It does kinda feel like just one but that CAN’T be possible. Whatever, it is what it and I need to concentrate on other things right now. I got some more juice and some jello. I knew I had to pass tests before I could go home so I was determined to drink plenty so I could pee and go home.

I was a woman on a mission. Don’t fuck with me when I’m on a mission.

I waited until my bladder, which felt very weird, simply had to be full before attempting verticality and peeing. I rang for the nurse and she walked me to the bathroom and instructed me to pee in the measuring cup (no idea what those are called) that was tucked under the toilet seat. Walking was not as bad as I had feared. Peeing was not as easy as I had hoped.

Peeing after having a catheter is always a bit weird and slightly painful. It took a few minutes for nature to kick in. The nurse knocked and asked if I was OK. I guess I was taking longer than I realized but I didn’t want to force anything. Finally it happened. And I guess I performed well and met their requirements for volume. When I got back to my bed the nurse said something about an ultrasound and I nearly cried at the thought of someone putting pressure on anything in that general area. They were talking about checking my bladder for retained urine. Then they looked at my output and determined I could skip the ultrasound. Whew. Score one for me for waiting until I was bursting so I could pee in high volume. 😉

Now we just had to wait for my surgeon to get out of the surgery scheduled after mine since neither of us had actually talked to her yet. I had since confirmed with the nurse that I did indeed only have one incision. She asked if I’d like to fill my prescriptions at the hospital pharmacy. I said yes. Right Guy asked where it was so he could go get them and the nurse said, “Oh, you don’t need to go over there, they deliver them.” Say what?! What you talkin”bout, Willis?

The pharmacy delivers and the gowns have heat pumped into them. That alone is worth an hour drive. Silly me, my last few surgeries have been at university hospitals and this one was private. Yes, I think I need to go back to the private sector for ALL my docs from now on. So much NICER.

Anyway, it took awhile but the prescriptions finally showed up as did Dr. CanDo. Her first words? “Who wants to watch a video?” Me, me, me! She tossed the DVD to Right Guy and said I should probably wait a few days to watch it. [I STILL haven’t finished watching it] When I asked her about how I only had one incision she simply said, “Magic” as if she owned a HArry Potter wand. She told us from where she removed endo and mentioned surprise that she found no adhesions. Pretty simple fare for her, I think. But I’d rather have her expertise and not need it than the other way around.

And so I got dressed and dutifully sat in my wheelchair while Right Guy pulled the car around. The weather had gotten much worse and I had to do a bit of back seat driving, which I generally don’t do, because I really did not want to survive surgery only to die in an auto accident. Also…I’ve hydroplaned before and totaled my car doing it. It’s an experience I do not wish to repeat as I’m sure I wouldn’t be as lucky. But we made it. I set up camp on my sofa with some juice, Better Cheddars, Pops’ iPad and all my drugs. And I pretty much stayed there for three days straight. Oh, and the trend of GOOD DRUGS continued at home with delau.lid.

I drank A LOT of fluids so that I would have to get up frequently. I did this for two reasons:

  • I did not want to get a post-op UTI. I recently discovered that I have developed an allergy to the OTC drug that alleviates UTI symptoms so I pretty much hope to NEVER EVER have one EVER again.
  • Getting up was painful but I knew that the more I did it the easier it would get and the faster I would recover.

So, yeah, that’s my big recovery secret: drink a lot so you pee a lot. 😉 It kind of sucks at first but it gives good results.

By Day 4 the pain was starting to back off a bit and I was moving around more easily and felt better about attempting to sleep in my bed. I even logged in to check my work email and say Hi to my boss.

And now I am 4+ weeks post-op. In general I’m doing well. So well, in fact, that I keep overdoing it which brings back pain. The muscles surrounding that one incision are decidedly unhappy of late. I’m having a lot of trouble discerning where my limits are. I tend to only realize I have passed them well AFTER I’ve done so. But, all things considered, I’m still doing really well. And the emotional breakdown I’ve been expecting has yet to occur.

Dare I tempt fate and say it won’t?

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10 Responses to “The One Where I Evicted My Uterus”

  1. dogsarentkids Says:

    I don’t know that you will ever truly break down. If it were me, I would almost be relieved and no longer having the “what ifs.” Now that it’s impossible, you can ignore all that shit and only focus on surrogacy. People (who know) can’t ask you anymore about pregnancy or the positions you choose to have sex in, and when you get nausea, you know it’s nothing more than nausea. Plus, I’m sure you were in a shitload of pain before the surgery, so once recovery is done, you might find some relief in that.

    Or maybe you will go on a psycho killing rampage. Who knows.

    • Furrowed Fox Says:

      Ha! Yes, I am relieved. Although there’s still this paranoid voice in my head telling me to ask my doc if I’m sewn up tight so no sperm can ever make it anywhere near an egg in my abdomen. Because the fear of a future ectopic just won’t go away completely because I’m THAT crazy.
      But still mostly relieved. Kind of thought I might still have a mini breakdown though. In the past, when I thought I was over something, it snuck up on me. So I guess I’m still sort of waiting for the sneak attack breakdown. But maybe, just maybe, I will be able to avoid that ninja breakdown this time.

      • dogsarentkids Says:

        Shows what I know – didn’t even know that was possible! Unless you made it up, in which I feel like a moron. Maybe you were so prepared for it, that it won’t be as bad. Except for the small things, like every pregnant woman you come across.

  2. nonsequiturchica Says:

    Good drugs are key for any surgery. Maybe you won’t breakdown because having this surgery relieves some of your worry, anxiety and pain?

  3. Lisette Says:

    Yay for GOOD DRUGS, thumbs up to DR CAN-DO and high-fives for HEATED GOWNS?! (I NEED one) You deserve the best treatment. I wonder if emotions will ever come into the picture but you seem to be doing an amazing job of maintaining balance right now. You’ve been through so much and Medusa sure earned her eviction. Well done you xx

  4. diahannreyes Says:

    Thanks for sharing your journey. I’m glad you are doing okay! Your posts always have so much heart and honesty and even humor. I love the details that your eye sees and that you craft onto paper.

  5. Dipitie Says:

    I’m glad you’re recovering well!


  6. […] new home for very long but be soon transferred to a warm and loving uterus that is not my own (cuz that bitch is GONE). My hope is that our trip is uneventful and nothing like the one […]


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