The Unthinkable

August 10, 2013

So far, I have to say, that all this surrogacy stuff just makes me feel the need to think about the unthinkable. There are a lot of good, happy thoughts and hope floating around in my head as well, but each new step I take seems to bring a new, and heavy, topic to consider.

What if our surrogate dies, or loses body parts/function due to unforeseen pregnancy complications? I had thought that this scenario would be the most complicated thing I’d have to think about (other than what to do about genetic abnormalities with the baby). But the truth is, it’s been thought about before and there are all sorts of legal options for addressing this issue in the contract. It’s not like we’re the first people to enter in to a surrogacy contract. It’s standard practice to take out a life insurance policy on the surrogate, payable to her family, for the time period of the pregnancy and, in some cases, for years afterwards. Not that this lessens the horrible-ness or unthinkable-ness of this in any way, just that there are existing resources to address the situation.

But it was recently brought to my attention that this is not the only “unthinkable” scenario that I need to consider in advance. What happens if our surrogate gets pregnant and then Right Guy and I both die in a car crash before the baby is born? Who gets the baby?

This is something that every parent has to think about at some point. But usually not until AFTER the baby is born. We now have to think about it beforehand. It’s very surreal to think about who would get a baby that you don’t even have yet.

I know the odds are against anything horrible happening to any of us, but it has to be considered. And somehow, who would get an infant seems a slightly different question from who would get a 5 year old. Or a 10 year old. For example, a grandparent might be appropriate for an older child but probably not an infant. A newborn wouldn’t have already bonded with genetic family.

We also have to think about what would happen to our embabies if we died before transferring them. Somehow this question has never been asked of me before now. The embabies are three years old this month. In THREE years no one has ever asked me this (until now). Who gets the embies versus who gets an infant are VERY DIFFERENT questions.

And now my head hurts.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that I have this opportunity but there’s a lot of thought to be done about things I didn’t really anticipate. And so I am glad that we are baby-stepping our way to surrogacy.


6 Responses to “The Unthinkable”

  1. Kitten Says:

    I’m surprised that wasn’t covered 3 years ago, before the embabies were created. That’s one of examples my RE gave when he explained about all the what-if decisions we would have to make, even before starting stims for IVF.

  2. wow. definitely a lot to think about *hugs* Glad you have time to process. And know whatever decisions you make, they are the best ones xoxo

  3. Stacey Says:

    I’m surprised your clinic hasn’t asked you about that situation for your embryos. I’ve had two clinics and they both made us fill out paperwork on what happens to any extra embryos if we both died, one of us died, or we divorced. And this was before retrieval! Kinda depressing, but thorough.

  4. […] post (The Unthinkable) generated quite a lot comments regarding the embryos. Apparently most other people’s clinics […]

  5. Dipitie Says:

    So much to think about!! ((hugs))

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