Mourning What Will Never Be

August 1, 2013

I’ve known ever since the first ectopic pregnancy that my uterus might not be fit to carry a baby to term. I had thought that, perhaps having that knowledge for so long, I had come farther along in the process of accepting that it will never be.


I have a friend staying in town for work for a whole month this summer. She’s 6 months pregnant. She’s a pretty good friend and I’m more happy than jealous that she got pregnant quickly. She’s not exactly enjoying being pregnant but she hasn’t yet crossed the complaint line where I feel the need to smack her. My point is this: seeing the pregnant belly hasn’t really triggered me too much. At least not consciously.

She’s at that point in pregnancy where the kicks are starting to be strong enough to be felt on the outside. When I told her that I wasn’t sure I’d ever have the chance to feel a baby kicking she immediately took my hand and placed it on her belly. We all know I’ll never know what it feels like to have a baby kicking me on the inside. If surrogacy works out then I should have the chance again to feel it from the outside. But if it doesn’t… I just wanted to know what it feels like. I felt a few twinges but, of course, as soon as my hand was on her belly the baby decided to chill out for awhile.

Oh well. We’ll try again later.

But last night I had a dream. Along with some wicked heartburn. [Are these things related?]

I dreamt I was pregnant. With twins. But for some reason we really didn’t expect to get two babies. You know how dreams are. Somehow I was suddenly almost full term with twins but hadn’t had an ultrasound in months and we hadn’t bought a single baby item because we thought the babies were dead. Or would never be born. Or something. I hadn’t felt any movement or growth for months and then I started to feel it. I could press on my belly and feel little baby body parts. And again, this is a dream, so…I felt the baby’s little fingers try to grab my finger. Just like a real baby does but still in the womb.

Beautiful or gross? You decide.

Or maybe it’s the zombabies haunting me. Creepy.

In any case, I awoke with a raging fire in my chest and rubbing my (fat) belly.

So, um, looks like I’ve still got a ways to go on this acceptance/grieving thing. But I’ll get there. Eventually.


3 Responses to “Mourning What Will Never Be”

  1. Kimberly Says:

    Wow. What a dream. Thanks for sharing. As you said, you’ll get there. Good luck with the surrogacy. Fingers crossed for you.

  2. I had a dream before getting pregnant in which I was pregnant and felt the baby move. And I swear that dream movement felt exactly like the real movement I feel now. Which is just to say, maybe there are things our bodies know or remember inately.

  3. Dipitie Says:

    Just when you think you’re at peace, something like this comes along to screw your head up. I’m sorry (((HUGS))) I would have cried after waking up from that dream. I started to cry a little just reading this.

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