The Emotional Evolution of the Fox

July 15, 2013

You all will have to excuse me as my blog derails from all things infertility related and explores all sorts of other issues in my life. This is, after all, my space to write through my personal challenges. I’m no longer undergoing fertility treatments and surrogacy is still several months away. I will return to infertility related posts but for the moment I have other things to write about.

I’ve been told that I’m a fairly decent storyteller so perhaps it will be an enjoyable diversion for you (you can always bail). Although the next story I’m thinking of telling is not so enjoyable. Neither was the last one about losing a friend. And I will likely password protect anything that is super personal both for me and others. I do not feel it is right to share others’ actions quite so publicly without their consent – particularly when I’m passing judgment on those actions and they have no opportunity to defend themselves. Passwords will be available to people I feel I know well enough and/or long-time followers. If we have had interactions you will likely make the cut. 😉

Tweet @FurrowedFox or email xmarxthefox AT gmail DOT com if you are in need of a password. Moving forward I’ll try to use just one password so that if there are multiple protected posts the same password will work for all of them. I have no idea at this point how far I will take this. Maybe one post, maybe many.

Over the years I’ve attempted therapy whenever my life got too crazy. For divorce. For Pops’ cancer. For my ectopic pregnancies. But I always stopped going after the initial crisis had passed. When the outer stresses on me lessened I felt I didn’t need the therapy. Or didn’t have time for it. I am a relatively well-adjusted and self-aware adult for whom therapy is not always critical. So this is the first time I’ve stuck with it past the point of crisis.

I’ve always known that I have “Mommy issues” that should probably be addressed. But I never felt that I should seek out therapy for those issues alone. I have a working, if strained, relationship with my mother. Nothing can change our history. And I doubt very much that I can do anything to change how she interacts with me. So I’m not entirely sure what the goal is. Personal growth, perhaps?

Momz was briefly remarried to a man who behaved pretty horribly to all of us and especially to my brother. As I said, the marriage was short – about two years – and there was no physical or sexual abuse. Or even verbal abuse. My therapist tells me it was emotional abuse. It was behavior that I find difficult to categorize in terms of traditional ideas of abuse. Also, it was a different era. A time when it wasn’t considered abuse to spank your children (with hand or other instruments) or put them out of the car to walk home on their own because they were fighting in the back seat.

And so I have always viewed many events in my childhood as misguided rather than abuse. I think that is truly the case for most of my mother’s actions. My step-father is a different story, however.

I have always shied away from referring to myself as an “abused child” or referring to certain events as abusive. Not because I’m ashamed of it, but because I believe it gives the wrong impression. Certainly I suffered things that are NOW considered abuse. But they weren’t then. And they weren’t done with malice. Again, with the exception of my step-father’s actions.

But they are also things that I would NEVER do to my child. And it is because of all these things that I am driven to parent a child – any child. Preferably my own, but my main goal is to parent, not procreate.

Stay tuned.


2 Responses to “The Emotional Evolution of the Fox”

  1. I like stories of any kind. Keep telling them.
    It was a different world while growing up. Spanking was the normal punishment. Now, it’s no cell phone for a day. Crazy. We only had one TV too.

  2. Dipitie Says:

    ❤ You would make an exceptional mother, and this world would be a better place if the universe decides to give you a child to love. xoxo

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