Public or Private?

June 1, 2013

I’m at a crossroads. And in more ways than one.

If you follow this blog and/or my twitter account then you know that my Hail Mary FET was cancelled and my RE broke up with me. I’ve been sent back down to the Minors and now am at the mercy of a regular GYN as we navigate pain management and contemplate hysterectomy. So… that’s my infertility fork in the road: Adoption or surrogacy?

But that’s another post.


[photo source]

What’s been weighing on my mind more heavily for the last month is the fact that I’ve put all this information out there for all to see. And, suddenly, more people started reading it. [Because of this post: NIAW Aftermath]

I started this blog anonymously as an outlet for my emotions after my diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). The blog has changed and grown (and spewed vomit) with me and all the crazy diagnoses and twists and turns along the way. I’ve posted about all things infertility related, eldercare, divorce, photography and life in general. And I shared it all in the hope that it would be both therapeutic for me and perhaps helpful to others.

I still want it to be that. But as I share more information, and occasionally get more traffic, I start to feel a bit… exposed. I’ve been more or less relying on hiding in plain sight and walking a fine line of oversharing with perceived anonymity. Yes, I’m aware that no one is truly anonymous on the internet. Unless you’re a master hacker then any savvy query can find you. But, after three years, I’ve made it easier and easier to identify me. [Rare diagnoses don’t help] I’ve befriended people and met online friends in real life. The line between my real name and my online identity has blurred quite a bit.

Sometimes I’m OK with that. Sometimes I’m not.

Mostly I worry about IRL friends and family (or my docs) finding this blog and less about strangers learning my real name.

I recently made my twitter account private and cleaned house. There were A LOT of spam/bogus accounts following me. I blocked a lot of people. It needed to be done. If I blocked you and you’re a real person out there struggling, I offer my sincerest apologies. My twitter is now public again so shout at me.

I’m not sure I’m truly ready to “own” this blog by putting my real (full) name on it. But I’ve had a few offers to guest blog recently so I have to believe that something here is helpful to others and worthy of being shared. And so…I’ve decided to go public again.

Perhaps it’s not so much a crossroads but two paths on opposite sides of the same road.

2 paths

[photo source]

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has walked this fine line. If you’ve wrestled with this what did you decide?


4 Responses to “Public or Private?”

  1. I did struggle with this.

    After 3-ish years of having a very public blog re: my POF, I took it private and allowed a select (100) group of followers to continue following. I didn’t regret this – like you, I felt rather naked and wanted to control who could see all my past posts. Then when I made a choice to pursue a course of treatment I thought would help others in my situation, I created a new, public blog where I have documented that part of my journey. I don’t regret this, either. In both cases, I have not revealed my real name on my blog.

    In making these decisions, I asked myself what my intentions were in blogging – first and foremost, I wanted the therapy, education and community it offered for me. Second, I wanted to help others by sharing my story. I did not want to be published or famous or anything like that. All I wanted was a baby.

    Now, it’s been 4 years total and I am at my own crossroads…I continue to post on my public blog, but less often as I am in a bit of a holding pattern. In a few months I will re-evaluate again and decide whether to close up shop.

    Good luck with your decision-making.


  2. Whichever you decide, I will follow 🙂 I thought about being anonymous for a minute. I too, started my blog for therapy and with the hopes that it could educate or help other women avoid some of the mistakes I made. I couldn’t believe all of the support out there for us. I don’t care who knows what now. I’m an open book. Hugs!

  3. Dipitie Says:

    I stayed public, and in fact I am less worried about my worlds colliding. I never really did make close relationships with most anyone, I tend to push people away. Therefore I am willing to own the bitchy things I have said on my blog, as it wouldn’t be the first time I pissed someone off.

  4. I’ve been drafting a blog about the same subject for months. I’ve been reluctant to publish because I’m always thinking “today might be the day that I come out of the IVF closet” Of course that day has yet to come.

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