Making It To FET

April 10, 2013

While I appreciate everyone’s support and cheering me on as I attempt one last FET, I really want to set the record straight.

It’s not just my pessimism that makes
me say things like IF I make it to FET.

Whenever I say that, I’m met with, “Of course you will!”

Well, thanks for staying positive, folks. But the reality is, I may not. And while I want need to stay focused on a positive outcome (i.e. baby) I also need to remain grounded and realistic.

This is a Hail Mary Pass. The odds of this working are slim. My RE wouldn’t have agreed to it at all if I hadn’t expressly stated my understanding of that fact.

The first obstacle was to get on Lupron. I thought that was going to be an easy hurdle to jump. Not so. A cyst and a kidney stone delayed that by almost 3 months.

But now I’m on it and the first post-Lupron ultrasound indicates that it is helping. Although I’m still in pain (more on that another time).

So. First hurdle jumped. Jumped late, but jumped.

Now that we have an external view of things (the ultrasound) the RE wants to verify that the inside of my uterus is also looking better. This was done before my last FET as well. But I wasn’t as worried then. My uterus was not quite as fucked up at that point (or at least we don’t think it was). I’m not really confident that my uterus can make it back to anything resembling normal at this point.

It’s difficult to explain how adenomyosis works. Google it and the definition will probably make your head spin. At least, it took me quite a while to truly wrap my head around it. I like to compare an adenomyosis uterus to an inside-out asteroid. There are just a lot of craters and nooks and crannies in the inner wall of my uterus – it’s almost being eaten away. It is truly a scary place. I’ve seen the imaging.

But maybe it can recover enough which is why we’re trying.

Assuming my uterus can play the part of looking normal it then has to grow extra fluffy lining. The RE wants my lining thicker than usual to cover up all those nooks.

Then comes the really hard part (in my mind). The embryos have to survive the thaw and grow to blast. In the lab.

I’ve already lost one embryo this way. So this part worries me. A LOT.

I could potentially do the impossible and tame my body and still not make it to transfer because I’d have no embryos to transfer. (Alternatively, they could surprise the hell out of me and we’d have to re-freeze one of them.)

I know this probably all sounds trerribly pessimistic but I’m really just trying to be REALISTIC.

I can’t do this without at least a dash of hope. But I also can’t let that hope grow too large and cloud the reality of the situation.

The reality is that those embryos would be better off transferred to a healthy uterus. But mine is the only one available at the moment.


One Response to “Making It To FET”

  1. We will hope for you!!

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