Hello, My name is…

December 31, 2012

hello-my-name-is-gollum

So I had a little breakdown/anxiety attack last night. It was several days in the making but guess what set it off?

The Lord of the Rings. Specifically Gollum.

Samwise was being mean to him and Frodo was saying to take it easy on him because he’d been through a lot. But Frodo only understood that because he also knew exactly what it was like to carry The Ring.

He didn’t just have sympathy. Frodo had empathy.

And then I lost it.

I don’t know how many times I’ve watched these movies – too numerous to count. But never have they induced that reaction.

I. Am. Gollum.

Or, at least, I *feel* like Gollum (even if no one is being mean to me).

That is how completely isolated I feel lately.

I’m a member (I think in good standing) of the IF twitter community. I probably have a little less standing in the IF/PAIL blogging community, but I’m there also. These are communities filled with people who often feel isolated from the rest of the world. And so we comfort each other. We seek out others like us and it somehow makes us feel better. We support one another because we know what it’s like. We have both sympathy and empathy.

But I increasingly feel more and more isolated *within* this community.

Don’t get me wrong, you guys are great. Really. I get a lot of support from everyone. And a few of you come close to having walked in my shoes.

But I’m still alone. I haven’t found anyone else who had a 6 month long ectopic pregnancy. Or a myometrial pregnancy. Or an adeno-wrecked uterus that looks as bad as mine.

Not that I wish that for someone else.

I’ve really started to wish it hadn’t happened to me (well of course the whole thing, but in particular the treatment option). Maybe OldRE was wrong not to cut out my uterus. I mean, she couldn’t have known what the future held for me. And I would not have reacted well to a hysterectomy most likely.

But… it would have been definitive. We could have moved on to adoption or surrogacy immediately. And put it behind us.

Has anyone else done an IVF, gotten frosties, not gotten a take home baby and THREE YEARS later still has frosties and no baby? It seems like most people are able to move a little faster and get some sort of closure sooner. Except for those who just keep doing fresh IVFs. That’s it’s own hell. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

Six embryos. Three transferred. Two left. Frozen in time.

But my time is not frozen. And I need it to be over.

So many of you are moving on in your own way. Maybe you’re pregnant, maybe you’ve had your child and are contemplating #2 (or #3). Maybe your success was due to donor egg/sperm. Maybe you have or are in the process of adopting. Maybe you have decided to call it quits on the TTC and live child free.

In addition to feeling isolated by my specific condition/history I feel our group out here in limbo shrinking. So many people are moving on. And I’m just… stuck.

And newly terrified about the direction I chose. I really don’t know if I’m mentally healthy enough to do a FET.

My apologies for the Debbie Downer-ness of this post. And for being whiny. But this is how I’m feeling and I had to get it out. Blarg.

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5 Responses to “Hello, My name is…”

  1. BeingMama Says:

    It may not mean much, but remember that in some ways we are all our own islands, even if we share the same bay. So many experiences are unrelateable, but we can still listen and support each other as best we can. Hugs.

  2. B Says:

    From what I’ve seen of this limbo I can tell it really sucks. I hope that you find your way out of it ASAP. That said, I think you are wise to take your time in making a decision on what path to take until you feel you’re in a good enough headspace to take all the necessary steps. This process is exhausting for even the most mentally healthy people! (Not that I was ever one of them, ha!)
    I’m sending you lots of love A.

  3. Daryl Says:

    Even those who have the same diagnosis rarely walk the exact same road. It’s the destination we’re all hoping to reach that unites us. So even though I don’t know the road you’ve traveled, I do know that not reaching the destination yet sucks. And the longer it takes, the more it sucks. I hope you get out of limbo soon, one way or another.

  4. Melissa Says:

    My thoughts can’t even compare to the kind words the above posters wrote… but you aren’t alone. My own weirdness of last year was having a most excellently growing embryo after IVF #5… which unfortunately wasn’t viable because it turned out to be an intra abdominal ectopic. It was a first time thing seen at my clinic. Luckily no surgical intervention was needed but methotrexate shots x 2 make one terribly ill feeling for weeks. The whole thing still pisses me off. And trying to get back to that mental place to go for a FET is giving me issues right now too. I send mental hugs and good karma.


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