Can I Do This? Should I Do This?

November 25, 2012

It would seem that Right Guy’s preference for next steps is now officially to do a FET. With me. Assuming one or both of the frosties survive in the lab and grow to blast before transfer.

For the moment, let’s just assume they will survive and focus on what a FET would mean for me…mentally.

Can I do this?

Do I want to do this?

Logically, it kind of makes the most sense.

Emotionally, it feels like I’d be putting those embies in danger.

Psychologically, I’d be a freaking basket case.

Third time’s a charm?


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…meh. Fool me THREE times? Shame on me.

I can’t decide if considering this option is hopeful and brave or just… folly.

All that aside… let’s just ignore that for the moment and look at the decisions that would have to be made if we do this.

My frosties are at my old clinic. OldRE is no longer at that clinic but at her own new clinic a few miles away. Those clinics are on the other side of the country from where I live now.
NewRE2 seems to have quite an impressive history with growing embies in the lab.

I think it’s a given that I have to move the frosties. I don’t want to go back to my old clinic where I don’t know the new docs. So, do I have the frosties moved a few miles away to OldRE who I know, trust and love? And then I travel cross country for a FET? Or do I have them moved out here to NewRE2 who is good with embies (not that OldRE is bad, it’s just that he has done extensive research on this for many years).

Given the inevitable anxiety I would experience, my new found therapist (who is just barely up to speed after two whole sessions) says that I should make these decisions based on my perception of control. Whatever is going to make me feel like I have some control over all this is the way to go. Despite the fact that I really have ZERO control.

Will I feel more in control if I go to OldRE? Or would it be better to be at home going about my daily life to better distract me? Is it more control to have NewRE2 oversee the embies in the lab? Or is that less control because they have to be moved across the country?

Intellectually, I tell myself that I’m dealing with competent people who do this every day. None of these choices is likely to make a difference in whether I get pregnant. Sure, something could happen if I ship the embies. But I feel fairly confident that they’ve worked out any kinks in that system by now. The odds are against anything I choose making a difference in the outcome. It’s really about whether any of these choices will give me the illusion of control and therefore lessen my anxiety about it. Even if only a tiny bit.

I know that I am the only one who can make these decisions. Even Right Guy is out of it at this point. He’s made his choice – with the condition that I can persuade myself to go through with it (obviously he won’t try to make me do it or pressure me in any way). And only I can answer the questions of what will make me feel more in control.

Nonetheless, please tell me what YOU think. I know many of you have told me that you will support whatever decision I make. And I appreciate that. But, seriously, I want to know what YOU think about all this.

To answer questions:

No matter who does it at whatever clinic, we will attempt to grow the 3 day embies in the lab for 2 days before transfer.

OldRE wasn’t the one who actually did either of my previous transfers so going back to her is not trying the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

If I did travel back, I would stay with friends and work remotely. But Right Guy would not be with me.

I don’t actually know yet how the embies would be moved across the country. I don’t know if that’s a plane ride or a truck ride. I would assume it would be quick car ride in a cooler if I move them to the other clinic back East.


6 Responses to “Can I Do This? Should I Do This?”

  1. Jen Says:

    Maybe it’s just my line of work that I hone in on the parts where you talk about how this all will make you feel but I keep getting the sense that emotionally you don’t really want to do this. I know I could be totally wrong though…. Is surrogacy out out?

    • Furrowed Fox Says:

      Well, that’s a loaded question. 😉 And a can of worms.
      Emotionally it terrifies me.
      Surrogacy is still on the table but we’re thinking about it differently now. If we had a volunteer, we would use these 3 day frosties with her. But we don’t have a volunteer. And it makes no sense to go through all the expense and trouble of a compensated carrier and not use the best embryos possible (i.e. fresh ones, not these). So what to do with these? Try to put my emotions aside and do what’s logical. I’m practically like Spock anyway…

  2. Daryl Says:

    I’m just about to embark on my first IVF cycle, so I have no idea what it’s actually like to go through one–or an FET–but my first thought is that I’d rather be in the comfort of my own home and routine, and, like you said, distracted by normal daily activities. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

  3. Angie Says:

    I know this is so stressful. One of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. I’m just so glad you have these options to begin with! You have some power here, some hope, some choices! I know you’re looking at all angles already. I have no clue about frosties or how they travel or any of that. I would think you would feel more secure having all this done close to home, but I know that having your embies travelling without you would be hard too. IF is a crapshoot. No matter what you chose, you’ll maybe always wonder. I just don’t know. My instinct here is sort of how I live my life, which sometimes works out and sometimes leaves me with regret- Just Jump. We’ll catch you no matter where you come down. We love you.

  4. Mary Says:

    I think every decision would be terrifying at some point. You’d be terrified as you scheduled your home study, terrified as you selected your carrier, etc. (although I do realize those don’t have the same physical risks to you). But I’d go for the transfer in your hometown if moving the frosties is still feasible. It seems to be by far the easiest and cheapest way for you to get pregnant, and if it doesn’t work, you’ll know you tried everything you could and can go for broke with either adoption or surrogacy. But I hope that if you do go for the transfer and it doesn’t work, you’ll have a certain peace in knowing you tried every last option to carry a baby yourself.

    Just a random opinion. Good luck!

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: