The Big Decision That Wasn’t

November 7, 2012

I don’t think I expected to walk away from my appointment this morning with a clear vision of what lies ahead. Nor a true decision or even a discernible path. I think I just felt like getting our questions answered would help to further us along in our decision making process.

Except that now I feel like we’re back at square one.

We’ve been coming at this all wrong I think. We’ve been thinking about what to do with these remaining embryos. And when it comes to surrogacy, I think a volunteer is still our preference. HOWEVER, it does NOT make sense to use a compensated gestational carrier for these embryos. Here’s why:

If we’re going to go to all the trouble of finding and vetting a carrier, a lawyer and an agency and paying all of them then we should make sure that the money and time and effort are well spent by using the best embryos possible. NewRE2 says you just can’t tell enough about quality with 3d embryos. So he advises 5d. If we use me, the plan is to thaw our 3d embies and grow to blast. But again, it doesn’t make sense to go through all the hassle of setting up a surrogacy if the embryos don’t make it to blast. So… if we consider surrogacy it seems prudent to go all the way and not half-ass it trying to save money. Which means doing a fresh IVF. On purpose this time (yikes!). And without any insurance coverage (double yikes!).

This thought had indeed occurred to me before. But we’ve been SO focused on what to do with the embryos we have that we dismissed this option.

I still think I’m kind of against it. When you look at everything that is involved in surrogacy and the price tag that goes with it, it’s really easy to see how that “just adopt” phrase makes sense. When comparing the two, adoption starts to look easier and is certainly cheaper.

My gut feeling at this point is to do this:
-Suppress me to see if we can beat back the adenomyosis a little (although I’m really worried about how I react to Lupron), this was a new idea put forth by NewRE2 this morning
-Prep ME for a FET
-Attempt to grow the 3d to 5d
-If one or both make it put them in me and cue psychological break with reality

If this plan does not result in a child, we go back to evaluating the choice of adoption vs surrogacy. I believe I will come down in favor of adoption. Right Guy… he seems to be all over the place lately. He’s now considering things he was rather vehemently opposed to a year ago. I guess now that it’s all real he’s finally thinking it through. NewRE2 sent us to the clinic social worker immediately afterwards and we talked with her. I think that helped him more than me, oddly. By the time we left the clinic I had more than reached my limit of touchy-feely for the day.

So that’s where we’re at. As for how I FEEL about all this? Many of you have asked me that. I do not have a good response. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I only know that I have to do something.

I will leave you with the one thing I am NOT confused about


One Response to “The Big Decision That Wasn’t”

  1. Angie Says:

    Oh my this is a lot. You seem to have a plan. I’m here for you no matter what. I hate this struggle.

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