Positives and Negatives

November 4, 2012

I’m in a weird place today. I’m thinking about everything that could go wrong if I do a 5d FET.

Except that, in order to think about everything that could go wrong, I have to concede that some things would go right.

For example, in order for me to have another ectopic pregnancy one or both embryos would have to survive two days in the lab after thaw. Both things can’t go wrong. But in my head it’s as if they could.

I also started thinking about what it would mean if the embryos survived and implanted normally. I wouldn’t be able to relax even then. What if my uterus failed because it’s weak? I don’t think I could survive a 2nd or 3rd trimester loss. Moving forward with this is like asking for a NICU baby. Or a hysterectomy. Or both.

Today this all seems monumentally CRAZY.

We’re thinking of undergoing a procedure that would almost surely require surgery. Even if everything went right, I’d still be signing on for a C-section and a preemie.

And this, I believe, are the reasons why Right Guy was originally leaning against the idea of using my body. As a doctor he thinks of all these things.

So how is it that we’ve flipped roles?

I guess because it would also monumentally suck to spend $20+k on finding and vetting a surrogate just to have the embryos not have what it takes to become a baby. I think perhaps Right Guy doesn’t think our embabies have much chance regardless.

I know we can’t know for sure, but I have more faith in them. I just don’t have any faith in my body.

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