The Big Decision

November 3, 2012

This may not actually be a final decision. It’s a more a… current DIRECTION.

As you all know, unless this is your first time here, Right Guy and I have been trying to decide in which direction to go in next in our efforts to acquire a kid. Here are the options that are on the table:

  • Use my body:
    • Fresh cycles with or without meds, at home or IUI
    • Do another FET
  • Find a surrogate
  • Adopt – and worry about the embabies later
  • Screw this kid thing, let’s travel

My body, after much weirdness over the summer, seems to have settled back into a more or less regular cycle. For the moment. No idea how long that will last. I do also still have hot flashes, although not severe. Maybe it’s the estrogen patches keeping me regular. Also? Adenomyosis seems to be starting to become painful. It wasn’t before. Also? Not getting any younger over here. So anything with my body needs to happen ASAP.

I’m more comfortable using my body naturally or with IUI than I am with doing FET. For several reasons. If we do FET, it would have to be with 5d embryos which means they’d have to thaw and grow in the lab for 2 days before transfer. Even OldRE thinks a 3d transfer is too risky. I have a 100% rate of ectopic pregnancy with day 3 transfers. It’s an n=2 scenario so statistically that means nothing. But psychologically/emotionally doing a FET is terrifying. Also, it puts the embryos at risk twice: once in the lab and then again inside me (cuz it’s my crazy ute) – if they make it that far. From my perspective, this is the riskiest plan for the embabies.

Right Guy had previously said he was leaning against any plan using my body. And I was leaning towards surrogacy since it seems like the safest option for my embabies. So I started researching that avenue more. It’s a bitch. It’s complicated. It’s expensive if you use an agency. Agency fees are crazy. I found a handful that are $7-8k but most are priced like late night TV infomercials but with more zeros: $19,900. And that’s ON TOP OF the BASE fee to the carrier that would be in the range of $20-30k. Add on attorneys, background checks, invasive procedure fees (yes, we’d want an amnio) and a whole host of other things (the IVF/FET & meds for one) and it’s no wonder people think you have to be rich to do surrogacy.

It seems possible to do it for ~$30k, but not likely. It could easily mushroom into $80k or more. That’s something I’m not willing to do. I have a little money from Pops which is why I’m even able to consider this option at all. But I’ve said it before: I want to have some money left to RAISE the kid.

SometimesOften I feel like we’re going to end up here anyway so maybe we should just abandon all other courses and skip to the end. I mean, what are the odds that my eggs are going to produce a baby? Everything else has gone wrong, so I fully expect all other avenues to dead end and we’ll have to turn on Adoption Street eventually anyway. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that adoption is my least favorite option overall, or that I think of it last because I really don’t want to raise someone else’s kid. It’s not that at all (although the invasion of privacy does bother me). It’s just that as long as those embabies exist, I feel compelled to hold off on adoption. I know in my heart I could love an adopted child just as much as my own. But I still have the dream of seeing how our DNA mixes and wanting to see how *our* kid might turn out. And again, as long as we have frosties I can’t let go of that dream and mourn that loss.

But as the surrogacy fees pile up, I end up researching adoption. And then I had an eye exam and it turns out my new eye doc is an IF survivor. After I don’t know how many treatments (but it sounded like several) and ZERO pregnancies she did a private adoption. She knew the birth mother. She gave me the name of her lawyer. It was nice, for a change, to see someone on the other side of all this. Someone who had moved on, away from treatments, and was obviously happy with her decision.

There is life after IF. Who knew?

But there is also sisterhood. I don’t normally like to bond with my docs (I like to keep a professional relationship) but… she’s one of us. And I think we both felt that. We can smell our own. It was a light hearted discussion – sort of. You know how you can discuss super serious, and even tragic, topics but be humorous about it? That’s a skill you learn during rough times. That was our conversation.

–Screw this kid thing, let’s travel–
Right Guy has vetoed this one. But I did just renew my passport…

So anyway, while I’ve been going down the surrogacy and adoption rabbit holes, apparently Right Guy has been reevaluating this whole using my body thing. Last night, when I pressed him to tell me in which direction he was leaning, he responded: 5d FET.

Cue freakout.

Not really. I held it together. I was kind of surprised though. Although maybe I shouldn’t have been.

A 5d FET is the easiest option, the cheapest option (aside from natural or IUI), and likely the quickest option. For all those reasons it makes sense. Which is why it was still on the table.

This was OldRE’s idea. Thaw the frosties, let them try to grow in the lab for two days and then transfer them if they do. I have no idea what NewREs will say about this plan. I don’t need their sign off, I could just travel back East to do this, but I most definitely want their opinion and would need their cooperation if I got pregnant.

The general idea behind this plan is to not put them in my uterus until they are ready to implant so as not to give them extra time to go exploring. There is logic in this plan. I don’t think there’s any medical precedent for it, but there is logic.


I saw the images of my uterus. It looks dangerous. It reminds me of this:

Also, you may or may not remember, that we were so nervous with last year’s FET that we only transferred one embie even though they were frozen in pairs. We were worried that we might have one implant normally and another implant ectopically but that once we saw the normal one we’d stop looking and something would rupture. So we attempted to grow the other one in the lab with the notion of refreezing it if it survived. It did not. Can I risk that again? Risk it with our LAST TWO? I don’t know.

But I have emailed OldRE and will make an appointment with NewREs and see what they all have to say. I’m not sure at all that I want to do this. Or that I’m willing to do it. I might be. I might not. But it can’t hurt to go see the docs and gather more info. If anyone knows of any stats on thawing and then growing embryos in the lab I’d love to see them.


2 Responses to “The Big Decision”

  1. B Says:

    I don’t know what to say about all these options other than it seems like you and RG are weighing all the pros and cons and I hope that one path emerges as the best choice soon. ❤

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