Communication Is Key

October 30, 2012

Right Guy is a man of few words. VERY few words. He goes beyond the male stereotype of not wanting to show or talk about emotions or anything touchy feely. Having a serious conversation with him about any decision that isn’t truly imminent is like pulling teeth. I can’t pin him down on what he wants for dinner tomorrow much less get him to decide next stpes for acquiring a kid. Sometimes I’m amazed he admits verbally to loving me. 😉

[Oh yeah, BTW, that's what I've decided to call it now:  Acquiring A  Kid]

Frankly this is not shocking since Wrong Guy was quite the opposite in the communication department. I’ve swung wildly in the opposite direction when it comes to choosing my mate. But that’s neither here nor there.

The point is this: our communication SUCKS. Everyone always says the key to a succesful relationship is communication. Well… we don’t have it. How we’ve made it this far I can’t explain. At least not concretely. It seems to revolve around some level of deep mutual (but unstated) understanding that we are generally on the same page in all things in life.

Until recently I had, in my head of course because we don’t talk, blamed this crappy communication system on him. He’s the one who doesn’t want to, and sometimes outright refuses to, talk about important issues.

But here’s what I’ve come to, only recently, understand: He’s got me so well-trained to NOT talk to him that I am now the one who is not talking and communicating. I communicate on my blog or on Twitter. But not to him. Because it’s understood that he doesn’t like to talk about this stuff. (And, no, he doesn’t read what I post)

But now he HAS to talk about this stuff. All my prevoius what ifs are now here. He doesn’t like to think about anything until a decision has to be made. There’s no, "Well if IVF doesn’t work what do you want to do?" in his head. No, his response will always be, "Let’s wait and see."

So now that we’re here, actually in the middle of this bizarre game show where we have to pick Door #1, Door #2 or Door #3, it’s time to make a decision. And he knows this and recognizes it. But I’ve been accumulating information for the last three years on all this – sometimes on purpose through research and sometimes vicariously through interaction with others online via blogs and Twitter.

I FORGOT THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING.

Since he never wanted to talk about anything until we absolutely HAD to make a decision, I’ve never told him about all the things I’ve learned along the way about adoption and surrogacy. He never researched them on his own because, well… like I said, if it’s not imminent it’s not on his brain. He lives in the here and now almost exclusively. I’m the forward thinker/planner type.

So here I am expecting him to make a decision about what he wants to do next. And I forgot that he doesn’t have the information he needs to make the decision.

And so I sent him a brain dump email. It includes everything I know about laws, costs, hoops to jump through, risks, rewards, etc about all of our options. It also includes which option I favor and the reasons why. With an additional statement that although I favor one option over the others, I remain open to them all should he make a compelling argument for another.

Fingers crossed this helps. I’m tired of IF Limbo.

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2 Responses to “Communication Is Key”


  1. So, we have sucky-ish communication too, and are in couples therapy for the first time so that we can have help facilitating important conversations/decisions. You are not alone there! My individual therapist (oh, so many therapists) just recommended “How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk” as helpful for OUR communication. (And basically, all human communication.) So, I’m passing that along, realizing that any book about kids might make you want to punch things.

    I have been in exactly that position, where I have all the knowledge picked up from twitter, blogs, internets, and he has not been in that loop. I think the brain dump email is a great idea – I hope you can get to a conversation soon! Good luck.

  2. Daryl Says:

    My husband, who researches computers, cameras, printers, watches, etc. THOROUGHLY before he purchases one, has (or rather, had) no clue about how IVF worked until we sat down with the IVF coordinator. So, yeah, I totally get that.


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