My Beef With the Angels

October 15, 2012

Warning: This is not a happy post. Also, I mean no offense to those of you who have lost babes and call them “angels.”

With all the recent hoopla surrounding Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day today I’ve seen a lot of posts over the past two weeks about “Angel Babies” and how to commemorate them. There were all sorts of “angel” items for sale to commemorate your loss. It really started to get to me. On two levels.

Level One: I am not religious.
No offense if you are, but I don’t believe in Angels. Or Heaven. Or God. I don’t think of my lost babes up in Heaven looking down at me. That image gives me no comfort. If it works for you, great. But it actually makes me feel a bit sick. I love my lost babes. I miss them. I mourn them. But I don’t think of them as angels.

Level Two: They are in no way like Angels.
Unless maybe you’re thinking of vengeful Angels. My babes tried to kill me. I don’t love them any less for it. It wasn’t their fault. I don’t blame them – I blame me. But it does make the feelings a lot more complex I think. I spent five months killing my twins. FIVE MONTHS. They fought hard to live. And I fought to live. By killing them. They’re not called Zombabies for nothing. My third babe did not go gently either. I tried to kill it with chemo but in the end I had to have it cut out.

This probably sounds harsh to you. But it’s my reality. I didn’t lose my babes. I killed them.

Of course, I had to. And of course, if I hadn’t, they never would have become infants living and breathing in this world. But that doesn’t change the facts. It doesn’t change the feelings.

As much as I identify with others who have lost babies, I really feel like ectopics are just a whole ‘nother animal. I don’t want to create some “Us vs Them” mentality – we have too much of that already. We need to stick together. But at the same time, I feel completely left out of all this Angel Baby nonsense. And, sometimes, it makes me angry.

But I can get on board with the candles.

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6 Responses to “My Beef With the Angels”


  1. Amen sister.

    (heh. see what I did there?)

    ((Please don’t be offended by my really horrible sense of humor.))

  2. djandme Says:

    Hi

    I agree with what you are saying. I’m not religious and I struggle with thinking about my miscarried babes as angels.

    Loss is complex, especially infant loss. They all have their painful truths, shared no matter how your loss occurs. But also there are differences in the experience – late pregnancy loss, SIDS, ectopic, early miscarriage.

    Whatever brings you solace and strength is what is important. I love the lighting if candles too. Though since we live the pain daily, I light mine daily.

    Strength and love

  3. B Says:

    I don’t think of my lost little one as an “angel baby” either. That kind of phrasing doesn’t sit well with me, but then again I am also an atheist so that isn’t surprising. I was also really uncomfortable after my dad was killed that people would say he was watching over me and that sort of thing.
    As far as the “killing” your babies versus miscarrying them, I don’t have much to say other than offering you hugs and love. That is really tough and I’m not sure what I’d make of it either if I were you.

  4. Lisa Says:

    what a raw and honest post. i enjoyed reading it, thx u. i love how u end w the pic of the lit candles.


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