Broken

September 2, 2012

Broken. Shattered.

That’s how I feel lately. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

I vacillate between wanting to surge forward with surrogacy and giving up entirely.

I found out my remaining frosties are of sufficient quality to warrant the financial and legal headaches of surrogacy.

But can I do it?

Right Guy and I agree it makes the decision that much harder. Obviously it’s good news that we have decent quality embabies left. But, had we been told the frosties were not so great, it would have made the decision easier.

The world of surrogacy is scary. The general population doesn’t understand it. I’m not sure I even understand it. People who’ve done seem to think it’s a very positive experience. But, emotionally… it must be such a wild ride. After the ride I’ve been on… am I up for another?

Is it easier or harder to use a known gestational carrier? I worry that my friend who is considering this would get pregnant and then miscarry. Or there would be something so horribly wrong with the baby that we’d ask her to terminate. It wouldn’t be her baby, but it would be her body having to go through that. It’s like asking a fertile to experience what we infertiles experience. I don’t wish that on my enemies, mush less my friends.

There’s just so much to think about. And perhaps I’m too broken to think clearly right now.

Perhaps for some people this would be a no-brainer decision. But I’ve been through too much to NOT think about what could go wrong. And how that would affect not just me, but everyone around me. Not just my friend (if she did it) but also her husband who is also my friend (and actually I was friends with him first).

When it’s my own body on the line I can do it. But gambling with someone else’s? I just don’t know.

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2 Responses to “Broken”

  1. BreAnna Says:

    This all makes my heart and head hurt for you. It’s a very tough decision for sure. As long as your friend understands the potential risks of miscarriage and is on board with the plan you and RG would want regarding termination/selective reduction if needed that she is making an educated decision on what she feels she can handle physically and emotionally. You’ll be on my mind A. I really hope that you can find a therapist soon because it seems like your brain is probably going a million miles a minute, this is a lot to take on without someone to guide you through it. ((hugs))

  2. Katie Says:

    Sending love and strength. Please let me know if you’d like me to put you in touch with one of my good friends who is very knowledgeable about surrogacy. She has six children, five of whom wouldn’t be here without their gestational carriers.


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