Explaining Surrogacy

August 4, 2012

I shouldn’t have to defend myself. But I kind of had to last night.

My BFF from high school offered last Fall to be my surrogate. I stayed with her while I did my FET since I had already moved out of the area and only went back for the FET. I thought she understood. She came with me to the transfer. She’s known about all this practically since it started.

I took her offer with a grain of salt since I knew she wasn’t a great candidate. She only has one kidney. She has blood pressure issues. While she has successfully carried and delivered four kids I don’t think any of her pregnancies were problem-free.

Regardless, it was an offer. So when I got the official word that my body is just not going to be able to carry a child, I pretty much immediately texted her. Now she seems much less sure about it. Now she wants to know why I would choose surrogacy over adoption.

Really? I need to justify my decision?

Did she just forget that I have two frozen embryos? I’m not choosing surrogacy over adoption. That’s really not the choice. I’m not looking at this from that perspective. I have the choice to try to use my embryos – life that Right Guy and I already created – or destroy them. Or give them away to someone else. This is not about choosing surrogacy over adoption. It’s about choosing my embryos. My babies. How could I not, at the very least, try to protect my embabies?

Perhaps to her, they are just cells frozen in the lab. But to me, they are my children. The only biological ones I WILL EVER HAVE. And I will fight for them.

Up to a point. I am not willing to spend $100k on them. I’d prefer it be more like $10k. That way, we could still afford adoption if it didn’t work. Because, ultimately, we are choosing adoption over surrogacy. Amazingly, despite my original diagnosis, I actually still have some eggs in my basket – it’s the basket that is broken now. We could do a fresh IVF with a gestational carrier. But we choose not to. We want to have money to RAISE the child – not put ourselves in enormous debt to GET the child.

Which is also why I would prefer to use a known donor who is willing to carry for me because she loves me/us. Not because I’m paying her $30+k.

Adoption has ALWAYS been on the table and considered our next stop on this wild ride. But we can’t ignore our embabies. We can’t just pretend they don’t exist. We have to make some decision about what to do with them. It’s those options that drive me to surrogacy. I can’t destroy them. I don’t think I can donate them to another IFer. Believe me, I would LOVE to be selfless enough to make someone else’s dream come true. But if those embies grew into babies… I’d want them for myself. Knowing I had a bio kid out there somewhere and that I couldn’t be it’s Mommy… that might crush me.

Everyone makes their own choices for their own reasons. IVF. DEIVF. Adoption. Surrogacy. Childfree. There are a ton of options out there. And everyone has to do what is right for them. And not judge others for their choices.

So… I think we have to explore the surrogacy options. At least the more affordable ones. First.

Then we can move on to adoption.

I guess I should wait for the report on the quality of the remaining embabies. If it’s reasonable then I think I will make a Facebook appeal for a gestational carrier *gulp*. And see what happens.

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2 Responses to “Explaining Surrogacy”

  1. nino_negrino Says:

    What about a carrier who doesn’t want the money, but will do it for the joy of pregnancy and because she wants you to have your children? They do exist. Good luck.


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