Where Do I Fit In?

July 13, 2012

So… many of you may have noticed that I’ve been a little… shall we say “Off”[?]… of late.

OK, I’m depressed. If I weren’t gearing up for more treatments, I’d be trying to go back on anti-depressants.

I’m having a rough time adjusting to a new city. Especially after so much recent trauma. I don’t have my IRL friends around to help me. And making new IRL friends has not been easy.

There’s a lot more going on with me than just a lack of IRL friends in my new city, but that’s the focus of this post.

I want to be more proactive about making friends. But I’m not sure how to go about it. Making friends organically usually happens through work. Or school. Or through your kids.

SCHOOL: I’m not in school anymore. I made a lot of new friends in Grad School but those days are over.

Strike One.

WORK: While I like my coworkers, no one ever goes out to Happy Hour after work and people rarely even have lunch together. I’m used to hour long (or longer) fun lunches with coworkers. But not at this job. It’s a half hour lunch. People might walk together to go get a sandwich but then they just come back and eat at their desks. Also, I seem to straddle some invisible age line at work. Everyone is either (almost) old enough to be my parent or young enough to see me as too old. Honestly, I think I felt a chill at my last birthday and they found out how old I really am (apparently I don’t look it). Who knew ten years could be such a big gap?

Strike two.

KIDS: I don’t have kids. I don’t even have a dog to take to a dog park. I hear dog owners meet people that way. But I have cats.

Strike three.

If you take a more proactive approach you could join a group of some sort. Singles Groups. Outdoor Activity Groups. I’m not much of a joiner. And I’m an introvert (INTJ, if you’re curious). This means that while I’m perfectly comfortable taking a class or showing up by myself at some group activity, more than likely the experience will not end with me making friends. Because I won’t speak to anyone unless they initiate a conversation. And most people do these things with a friend, not by themselves, so they’re not looking for the same thing I am. I can overcome my nature and try to be more outgoing (it’s SO exhausting but I can do it). But it rarely produces the desired effect.

Regardless, these groups tend to attract certain groups of people either intentionally or situationally. Singles. Parents. TwentySomethings.

I’m not married. But I’m not single. I’m in my late [gulp] thirties.

Most people my age either already have kids or decidedly don’t want them. I have very few friends even IRL who are not yet entrenched in one camp or the other. They either have kids or they don’t want them. Actually, the majority of my closest IRL friends don’t want kids but have been super supportive of my efforts to have them. This is good for my Facebook feed for the most part. Most pregnancy announcements I see on Facebook are third kids or people I haven’t actually seen in ten years or longer. Or both.

I’m going through an early menopause which makes me identify with women in their fifties more than those my own age.

It all leaves me feeling lost.

I don’t want to intentionally seek out only infertile friends. Or single friends. Or friends with or without kids. But there doesn’t seem to be an avenue to do that.

So I feel like I have to join some group. But which group?

If I show up at some singles event will they be pissed off I’m not really single?
[As if I’m the prize they can’t have…hahahaha]

Special Interest Groups, you say? Those aren’t limited to one type of person necessarily. What are my interests?

> Photography. Which I prefer to do alone. A Photography class is good for giving me something to do (I’m also bored) but not so good for making friends.

> Cooking. Where I prefer experimentation to following a recipe or an instructor. I just can’t bring myself to pay for cooking instruction.

> Kickboxing. Which my body will not allow me to do anymore. Although I suppose I should join a gym and do something. I did just purchase that Pilates Groupon…

> Live Music shows. Yeah, just try talking at a concert. Not helpful.

Truth is…I’m a loner. Always have been. And usually that’s the way I like it.

But this is getting ridiculous.


4 Responses to “Where Do I Fit In?”

  1. kelly Says:

    I can really relate to this post; I’ve always been a loner, too. Do you read? Perhaps a local book club?

  2. Katie Says:

    I always have a hard time fitting in to groups, so I completely relate to this post. It makes me wish there was a group of loners we could join!

  3. Stolen Eggs Says:

    UPDATE: After spending a few hours on meetup.com I have joined two groups. Now I just have to actually go to one of their meetups…

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