Delusions of Fertility 1: Chutes and Ladders

June 29, 2012

Why is it that I even think it’s possible for us to get pregnant naturally?

Clearly I’m delusional.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot the past few days as it’s become increasingly obvious both that I am NOT pregnant as well as that… I sometimes still think I could be.

[And that evap line yesterday sure didn’t help.  Or did I just imagine that?]

Can you say CRAZY, boys and girls?  How about… DELUSIONAL?

I’m a numbers person.  I love data.  And cold hard facts. So how and why would I allow myself to get lost down this rabbit hole?

The reasons are many and varied. But let’s start with this one because I think it contributes to all the others:

We never did this.  Our journey has not been like most of yours.  We didn’t start trying to get pregnant and then wait 6 months to a year and then seek medical advice.  Like everything else we’ve done in our relationship, we’re doing it BACKWARDS.

We’re not married.  Although we might as well be.

We started TTC before he had even moved in all his stuff.

I wasn’t ovulating at all at that point so we went straight to Clom.id.  And, given my diagnosis and my bloodwork at that time, we were aggressive and went to injectables after just 3 rounds of Clom.id.  No IUIs.  The protocol was always timed intercourse at home.  But then my body, or the injectables, kicked everything in to gear and all of a sudden we were doing an UNPLANNED IVF.

Since then my body, numbers and bloodwork  have rebounded.  And then started to tank again.  But even though they are tanking again, they are still better now than we started.

[Can you say Find Muck, boys and girls?]

I think there’s a psychological progression to this that I inadvertently bypassed. That, combined with the fact that my body just does whatever it wants to with little or no rhyme or reason to it, does not help me ACCEPT the FACT that there is NO WAY this is going to happen without assistance.  I had accepted that in the beginning.  I had even accepted that it probably wouldn’t happen at all.  And then my body decided it was going defy modern medicine and rebound.  And made me believe it might be capable of things it probably isn’t.

Sounds awesome, huh?  Wouldn’t you all love for whatever is wrong with your body (or your DH’s) to suddenly just kind of… reverse itself?  I know I was ecstatic.  Unfortunately, that’s when we discovered more issues.  And those issues left me with more follicles and potential eggs than I had a right to expect.  But a uterus that couldn’t carry.  For a year.  The ovarian stars aligned but the uterine stars said “Fuck You.”

And now?

Who knows what the uterine stars are doing these days.  I suspect they are up to  no good.  As for the ovarian stars… they were dark, then they shined brightly, and now they are dimming.

Somewhere, in a galaxy far, far away… where all the stars align…  is my child.

Stay tuned for the next installment of why I am delusional.  Where I will continue to mix my metaphors.

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2 Responses to “Delusions of Fertility 1: Chutes and Ladders”


  1. […] you didn’t see it, you should probably read the first part of this series first – Delusions of Fertility 1: Chutes and Ladders.  This is Part Deux of why I sometimes think I can get pregnant without medical assistance.  […]


  2. […] you’d like to catch up, please check out Part One and Part Two of this […]


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