A Bitchy Conversation

June 15, 2012

So. The jury is still out. As expected. Today’s OPK was darker than last night’s. But lighter than yesterday midday. So EITHER last night’s stick was faulty OR we’re in the same game as usual.
Which goes something like this:

CD1-12
FSH: Yo, Ovaries! What’s up?
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
FSH: Um… hello? Am I talking to myself? Let me raise the volume so you can hear me.
Ovaries: zzzzz…Is someone calling us?…zzzzzz
FSH: Wake the fuck up!
Ovaries-Lefty:zzzz…What? Huh? Hey Righty, why don’t you answer that?…zzzzz
Ovaries-Righty: zzzz… What? Why should I? YOU answer it. I’m tired…zzzzz
FSH: Will somebody please answer the fucking phone!?!?!?!
Righty: zzzz… Meh. OK, FSH, calm down. Don’t get your panties in a wad. I’ll work on it.
Lefty: zzz…Wonderful. I’m going back to sleep…zzzz
FSH: Finally! You some lazy ass bitches down there!

CD12-21ish

LH: Knock, knock.
Righty: lalalalalalala I can’t hear anything.
LH: Hey Righty, what’s going on?
Righty: I’m making eggs right now, come back later.
LH: Hhmmm… But I want some eggs.
Righty: So?
LH: Like, right now.
Righty: Sorry, you can’t have any. They’re not ready yet.
LH: What the fuck is taking so long?
Righty: Hey LH, Imma let you finish and all but right now… STFU! I said LATER!
LH: *sniffle* OK, I’ll come back later. *slinks off crying*

CD18ish-23ish

LH: I’m baaaaaack!
Righty: I’m still cooking.
LH: I don’t give a shit. I came for eggs and I’m getting one.
Righty: Fine. Here. Take this one. It *might* be ready. Hope you don’t get salmonella, asshole.

And this is how my body achieves ovulation. Which is at least better than two years ago when the conversation was more like this:

FSH: Yo, Ovaries! What’s up?
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
FSH: Um… hello? Am I talking to myself? Let me raise the volume so you can hear me.
Ovaries: zzzzz
FSH: OK, I’m cranking this shit to 11. Or maybe even 16.
Ovaries: zzzzz
FSH: WTF, I give up.
LH: Man, FSH, you give up too easily.
LH: HEY OVARIES!!!!! Trick or Treat?!?!
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
LH: Trick then. I’m cranking this shit to 300!
Me: Totally think I’m ovulating because OPK says so.
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Ovaries: zzzzzzzz
Me: Goddamnit. Time to take the progesterone.

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2 Responses to “A Bitchy Conversation”

  1. Vanessa Says:

    I just started the whole RE process last week. This post cracked me up and made me laugh out loud! Just what I needed. Thanks.


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