Can’t Relate

May 22, 2012

Recently I posted on Twitter that I can’t relate to many of you. This was, in part, prompted by @fromiftowhen’s decision to leave Twitter entirely. I don’t know exactly what her reasons are. But I respect her decision even though I will miss her greatly.

As you know [or maybe you don’t] I have recently been on a Twitter break. If you’ve followed me for awhile then you know that I take Twitter/blogging breaks periodically. Sometimes I have to break away to regain a real-life perspective. Or, in this most recent case, to just get away from all things IF.

Obviously I can’t really get away from IF, but I was majorly stressing about what my next steps should be [still don’t really have a plan, just a notion] and feeling an intense pressure to DECIDE RIGHT NOW. Which I knew I couldn’t do. Or even if I could decide I knew I couldn’t ACT on anything for a few months (waiting for Right Guy’s schedule to free up a bit).

For most of us, the clock ticks a little more loudly than for the fertiles. But for those of us who are a little older it is absolutely
DEAFENING. And I just needed to jump away and sort through it all without it being in my face all the time.

But now I’ve been tip-toe-ing back in to Twitter. And I’m finding it more difficult to jump back in than after my past hiatuses (hiati?).
One reason for this: I can’t relate to many of you anymore. After more than three years participating in the IF twitter community I find
my feed is now FILLED with posts about what baby gear to buy, guilt over C-sections or other birth plans derailed, breast feeding talk,
birthday party planning, etc.

Don’t get me wrong: I am absolutely ELATED that so many of you have overcome your infertility and have the joy (or sorrow) of discussing
these things. And you have every right to do so. But I also have the right to say I can’t take it anymore and unfollow you.

I don’t really track who follows me and whether or not someone unfollowed me. But I know many of you do and you take it personally when you lose followers. Please don’t. Please don’t be upset with me if I unfollow you. Please don’t feel like you have to unfollow me in turn. Don’t feel like it would bother me if you want to contact me from time to time – by all means, DO. It really isn’t personal against YOU.

It’s just that I can’t relate. I’m still in the trenches.

The idea that someone who fought and won would then turn around and feel guilt about having to have a c-section or stopping breastfeeding when they had the luxury of getting to that point is just so foreign to me. I mean, your body didn’t cooperate to GET pregnant, why would you expect it to cooperate in any other fashion? Again, I’m not saying you don’t have a right to feel those things or a right to post about them.

It’s just that from where I am your life looks rosy [I know it’s not]. You’ve got your baby [or babies]. I don’t. Your complaints seem petty [they’re not]. You may be able to relate to me because you’ve been where I am. But I can’t relate to you. Not anymore. That’s just the way it is.

It used to be that seeing you all with kids was like a goal – something to look at, appreciate and strive for. It was encouraging. Others can do it, so can I.

But now it’s just become a reminder of what I can’t have. Or, rather, what I don’t have. I could have one+ year old twins right now
[ectopic #1]. I could be about to pop [ectopic #2]. The anniversary of one EDD has just come and gone (oh so conveniently positioned right
around Mother’s Day). The second EDD is around the corner (also very conveniently positioned near Father’s Day and the anniversary of Pops’
death). [You’d think I’d learn to schedule these things better – doh!]

I could have been where some of you are. But I’m not. And I get enough reminders of that in daily life without Twitter reminding me.

It pains me that Twitter has become a source of pain and bitterness, like Facebook, as opposed to a source of strength and encouragement. Of course, it’s not always like that. But it is enough of the time. Enough to tell me that something has to change. For me. And so I think I will clean a little house in who I follow. Sorry. But I need my Twitter support back.


14 Responses to “Can’t Relate”

  1. B Says:

    Amen. I’m with you on this (as I said on Twitter earlier today). It is hard to see all the pregnancy/baby talk on Twitter when you’re still in the trenches. Especially when you’re in the trenches with no real hopes of being out any time soon. I think it is understandable that you are trimming down who you follow a bit, we have to protect our hearts.
    I’ve personally been thinking of doing the same, but more because I’m seeing several infertiles who are now pregnant consistently complain about their healthy pregnancies which is something that is incredibly difficult for me to sit with.

  2. ebc Says:

    i follow you on twitter. maybe you follow me, i don’t really check those things honestly. i hope i’m not one of the ones you are describing but i may be at times. and i’m sorry. i have won. but my life is rosy. and my complaints are petty. (i’m sure that’s not easy to hear either…but complaining isn’t easy to follow either like you said.). anyways, even with that fact that i’m on the other side now, my twitter feed too is full of those who were fighting and have now won…and it seems like they (i’ve??) have forgotten what used to pain them to read. and it’s hard for me to read even in my situation. yes, i participate some in their tweets (so i’m sure i shouldn’t be saying this, but it does feel more and more like fb each day) but i also feel the sting for those like you still fighting in the trenches. all that to say, i’m sorry twitter has become hurtful for you. and i’m sorry you’re still in the trenches fighting hard.

  3. I have found myself automatically unfollowing pregnant tweeps and their blogs (except for a few exceptional cases), in the last few years. When I’m beginning a cycle, I find it easier to read pregnancy tweets, but if I’ve had a failed one or (more likely) another loss, it’s not something I can manage.

    I will always check in on people (when I feel able), but I refuse to feel guilty over protecting myself. This journey is too difficult as it is without doing that.

    I’ve also pretty much stayed off twitter for the last 4 months (apart from checking in on one or two people), for the sake of my sanity. Now, coming back it’s like “bloody hell, EVERYone is pregnant!” so I think I’ll be cleaning up my feed again.

    On a related note, I generally don’t follow back people who are just starting IF treatments because I don’t feel I can relate to them – I’m no longer excited and optimistic heading into treatment. Two lines don’t thrill me, they scare me.

    I don’t think anyone has had as horrendous a journey as you have, but there are lots of us who are long timers in the trenches and we love hearing from you.

  4. Mo Says:

    I totally get it. I’m not active on twitter much, but my reader is clogged with former IF blogs that have moved on to parenting, while I’m still here waiting for things to go right. Before my last pregnancy loss it didn’t bother me, but now it really does. I guess 4 losses were my limit. I am officially bitter. :-/

  5. 3catsandababy Says:

    That is completely understandable. Even though I now have a child, TTC or pregnancy tweets are still sometimes painful. Do what you need to do. I will still be following you and hoping for great things for you.

  6. Katie Says:

    Your post reflects the exact reasons why I’m leaving Twitter. I am forever grateful for the lasting connections that Twitter has given me, but I need to step away in order to protect myself. The possibility is strong that we may need to decide between continuing down the path of adoption and living child free, and I can’t make a clear decision while reading some of those tweets. Sadly, it’s become a source of resentment for me, and I knew it was time to step away.

    Thank you for always being supportive of me and my choices. I am glad we are still able to keep in contact with our blogs. xo

  7. caliope Says:

    You raise a really important point, and I’m so sorry that you have to. I found so much support on Twitter during IVF and it pains me that it has become a source of added pain for you and for others. Obviously none of it is intentional; it’s just the inherent unfairness of it all being played out on Twitter as it is in real life. But that’s no comfort when you are battling IF. I am so sorry if any of my tweets added to this for you.

  8. AL Says:

    I’m sad that Twitter is no longer a source of support for both you and Katie and I’m so sorry. I feel awful that my tweets could be a source of pain for you, though I know that’s not why you wrote this post. I totally understand where you’re coming from and your need to step away. I get it, and you should take care of yourself first. I hope I’m still able to support you wherever your journey leads you (and I hope there’s a giant upswing in the works). xo

  9. I am so sorry that twitter is no longer the source of support for you it once was. I understand and completely respect your decision to reclaim that space for yourself by only following those that you can truly relate to. I for one, won’t take it personally but I also won’t stop caring about you, following your journey and hoping for nothing but happiness for you. You are an amazing woman and you have been such a supportive person for so many of us. I just want you to know I support you in whatever you do and wherever your journey leads you. ❤

  10. Crazytwinmomma Says:

    I completely understand why you feel this way and support your need to take a break from those of us who have children. I will continue to follow you, support you, and pray that you achieve the happiness you deserve.

  11. sassyNtubeless Says:

    miss seeiing u on twitter 😦 but completely understand! its tough to find the old twitter support! feel like its changing!!! HUGS xoxo

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