May 22, 2012
Recently I posted on Twitter that I can’t relate to many of you. This was, in part, prompted by @fromiftowhen’s decision to leave Twitter entirely. I don’t know exactly what her reasons are. But I respect her decision even though I will miss her greatly.
As you know [or maybe you don’t] I have recently been on a Twitter break. If you’ve followed me for awhile then you know that I take Twitter/blogging breaks periodically. Sometimes I have to break away to regain a real-life perspective. Or, in this most recent case, to just get away from all things IF.
Obviously I can’t really get away from IF, but I was majorly stressing about what my next steps should be [still don’t really have a plan, just a notion] and feeling an intense pressure to DECIDE RIGHT NOW. Which I knew I couldn’t do. Or even if I could decide I knew I couldn’t ACT on anything for a few months (waiting for Right Guy’s schedule to free up a bit).
For most of us, the clock ticks a little more loudly than for the fertiles. But for those of us who are a little older it is absolutely
DEAFENING. And I just needed to jump away and sort through it all without it being in my face all the time.
But now I’ve been tip-toe-ing back in to Twitter. And I’m finding it more difficult to jump back in than after my past hiatuses (hiati?).
One reason for this: I can’t relate to many of you anymore. After more than three years participating in the IF twitter community I find
my feed is now FILLED with posts about what baby gear to buy, guilt over C-sections or other birth plans derailed, breast feeding talk,
birthday party planning, etc.
Don’t get me wrong: I am absolutely ELATED that so many of you have overcome your infertility and have the joy (or sorrow) of discussing
these things. And you have every right to do so. But I also have the right to say I can’t take it anymore and unfollow you.
I don’t really track who follows me and whether or not someone unfollowed me. But I know many of you do and you take it personally when you lose followers. Please don’t. Please don’t be upset with me if I unfollow you. Please don’t feel like you have to unfollow me in turn. Don’t feel like it would bother me if you want to contact me from time to time – by all means, DO. It really isn’t personal against YOU.
It’s just that I can’t relate. I’m still in the trenches.
The idea that someone who fought and won would then turn around and feel guilt about having to have a c-section or stopping breastfeeding when they had the luxury of getting to that point is just so foreign to me. I mean, your body didn’t cooperate to GET pregnant, why would you expect it to cooperate in any other fashion? Again, I’m not saying you don’t have a right to feel those things or a right to post about them.
It’s just that from where I am your life looks rosy [I know it’s not]. You’ve got your baby [or babies]. I don’t. Your complaints seem petty [they’re not]. You may be able to relate to me because you’ve been where I am. But I can’t relate to you. Not anymore. That’s just the way it is.
It used to be that seeing you all with kids was like a goal – something to look at, appreciate and strive for. It was encouraging. Others can do it, so can I.
But now it’s just become a reminder of what I can’t have. Or, rather, what I don’t have. I could have one+ year old twins right now
[ectopic #1]. I could be about to pop [ectopic #2]. The anniversary of one EDD has just come and gone (oh so conveniently positioned right
around Mother’s Day). The second EDD is around the corner (also very conveniently positioned near Father’s Day and the anniversary of Pops’
death). [You’d think I’d learn to schedule these things better – doh!]
I could have been where some of you are. But I’m not. And I get enough reminders of that in daily life without Twitter reminding me.
It pains me that Twitter has become a source of pain and bitterness, like Facebook, as opposed to a source of strength and encouragement. Of course, it’s not always like that. But it is enough of the time. Enough to tell me that something has to change. For me. And so I think I will clean a little house in who I follow. Sorry. But I need my Twitter support back.