Going Rogue

March 25, 2012

Aunt Flo likes to be mysterious. While I was told we shouldn’t TTC [due to uterine weakness] my cycles were 28-34 days long and (more or less) predictable. Literally, the month I was cleared to TTC, my cycle went wonky. And when I say “wonky”… I mean “we have no effing clue.” Actually, that’s not true – I totally have a clue. It’s called menopause. In the years/months leading up to menopause it’s fairly common to have irregular cycles. And hot flashes. This is just a new kind of irregular.

My AMH has bounced from 0.1 to 0.9 and now back down to 0.34. So she’s coming for me – the Menopause. Which I’ve known for some time now. But my body went rogue and defied my doctors and gave me hope. Stupid hope. It’s killing me.

I recently saw my RE for the first time since the last ectopic. The more I replay the visit in my head, the more annoyed I am. When I complained of hot flashes and irregular cycles she said something about that happening in your late 30’s/early 40’s. Um… NO. This STARTED when I was 34. Don’t try and pretend this is normal. This is my new RE and I’m not sure she really understands my full history. I attempted to fill her in.

I asked about IUIs. We’ve never done one. I thought it might be worth trying since my new insurance will apparently cover 3 of them. And we could do monitoring to check which ovary is going to ovulate and only do the IUI if it’s the left one. She said she didn’t see any point in that. She said my best option was IVF. Except… IVF ends with ectopic – at least, it has twice. So…? I’m confused. What am I supposed to do?

I realize my logic may be off, but I’m more comfortable with a more ‘natural’ style pregnancy where the embryo doesn’t get to the uterus until it’s more or less ready to implant. Transferring 3 day old embryos just seems like folly to me (with my history) – it gives them 2-3 days to wander around and find some other place to implant. Is it too much to ask to want to try for that?

I also wanted to investigate surrogacy for the 2 frosties we have. The RE said she’d have a nurse call me with info. That has not happened. And I don’t know where to start. The surrogacy laws are weird in WA. I need help. And I’m not getting it.

In general I’m not happy lately. This is all too much and I feel like I’m alone in it all. My brother keeps going out of town so I don’t have him to lean on for the ‘missing Dad’ stuff. Nor am I getting my fix on playing Auntie to his kids. Right Guy works all the time and when he is home he just annoys me by being the biggest slob known to man and creating more housework for me. The kittehs are being little drama queens. The only person who actually CALLED me on my birthday was Pops’ best friend. I’ve decided to permanently move my birthday because sharing it with my dead father is too painful.

I’m just having trouble seeing the good things right now. I know they’re there, but my glasses are not so rose-colored at the moment. And I’m questioning every aspect of my life right now. I had hoped going back on HRT would make the crazy go away. It’s only been a couple of days but so far the crazy is still here.

I know that logic says I should give up this quest for a biological child and move on to adoption. But I can’t do that. Yet. But I can’t seem to do anything else either. I think I want to try naturally one more month since I have a theory that the new wonky cycles are following a different pattern than what fertility friend tells me. But I doubt Right Guy will go along with it. He sees the logic. He’s done the math. So have I. But numbers just don’t mean anything to me anymore. The odds of having POF? 1%. The odds of having a tubal pregnancy with IVF? 2%. The odds of having a myometrial ectopic? No idea, since it really doesn’t happen to anyone but me. The odds of having two supposedly unrelated ectopic pregnancies back to back? Again, no idea, but presumably <1%. The odds of getting pregnant naturally? 1%.

If all these other really rare things can happen to me, why can't pregnancy be one of them? Why can't I make Going Rogue work FOR me instead of against me?

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