All Over the Place

March 7, 2012

Warning: I’m a bit scattered. I can’t really collect my thoughts and write a well thought out post because my thoughts are playing a game of hopscotch right now. I think perhaps getting them out here, even if scattered, might help (me). And I’m open to comments and opinions on any or all of this.

I just feel so… Lost.

I miss Pops. I have trouble remembering the pre-cancer Pops – the man who raised me. I lose him to memories of Cancer Pops – the man I took care of. My brother has admitted to basically blocking out Cancer Pops. Lucky, lucky him. Pops’ birthday is coming up so he’s on my mind a lot. It will be my first birthday EVER that I don’t share with him. We had the same birthday.

I miss my friends and family on the East Coast. I haven’t really made any friends here (save one). I’m homesick. And I have no support here. And I’ve had an aunt and now an uncle in the hospital back East. Fortunately my aunt, who was in the hospital for about 6 weeks, is doing much, much better. My uncle, however, just had a major stroke – the outcome of which is still questionable. All I can do is send cards and flowers.

I’m not ready to give up on TTC but I’m still too terrified to use my last two frozen embryos. At least I’m too terrified to put them in MY body. Not that a surrogate is likely a viable option. And maybe I’m too terrified to use them at all since that’s all there is.

Subsequently I want to try naturally. With only one tube. And irregular cycles. But I don’t want the stress of putting in the effort of charting temps, monitoring appointments, etc. At least not yet. Which basically means that I get the timing WRONG every month because I’m not doing any of that. Which begs the question… do I really want to be doing this? Am I just delaying making the inevitable decision?

Should I accept the looming reality that having a biological child is just not going to happen? And give up?

I don’t think I’m ready to give up. But I guess I’m also not ready to try. I turn 38 soon. And the hot flashes are back – although not as severe as before. I might as well be turning 48. Waiting is not an option.

But I can’t let go. And so I can’t move on.

What to do?

I really want to talk over ALL the options with Right Guy. We did talk some. He seems to have accepted this reality that it probably won’t happen for us. Why can’t I? Maybe because I sense that he’s not ready to pursue other options. I worry that ending the quest for a biological child will mean that he wants to put the whole kids issue back on the shelf for awhile. The sense of urgency would be removed. For him. But not for me. I’d want to move directly to adoption if we give up on biological. I suppose I fear strife on that front.

I know he’s very much open to the general idea of adoption. But I think we’ll disagree on how to go about it.

I just feel like I’m chasing my tail in circles lately and getting nowhere. I feel like that at work, too.

I think I need a distraction. Something I can actually accomplish. Besides finishing my taxes. And Pops’ taxes. Something more fun would be good.

Even my Tivo is empty right now. And, although I have like 4 coupons for DSW, I can’t enjoy cute shoes since apparently my feet are the root cause of my back and knee pain. I gained too much weight doing nothing last fall. So… TV, shoes and food are OUT. As is anything too strenuous since my knee and back can’t tolerate much.

I warned you this was random and scattered.

Oh yeah, on that note, shall I also mention the pain I’ve been having? Is it adenomyosis? Or is it scar tissue from the removed tube? Or… this is probably NOT the case but I can’t help but ask… is it endometriosis? It’s probably not endo given that I’m having hot flashes. But, before the ectopics, the most terrifying personal experience I could think of was going off birth control and being in INCREDIBLE pain.

Which just makes me think of Sandra Fluke and Rush Limbaugh. But, on that note, I will cease and desist. I’ve been scattered enough. And if anyone is still reading this… you’re my hero.

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