Hope is a Beeyotch

February 19, 2012

I hate my body.

A few years ago it decided to put me through hot flashes and night sweats ultimately leading to a diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). I was told I’d be in full on menopause by the age of 40. I mourned the loss of my fertility. I struggled with trying to accept the idea that a child of my own was a 1 in 1000 chance.

Then my body made a comeback. And while I wasn’t “cured” and my doc still expected I’d experience menopause earlier than usual, the situation no longer seemed as dire. I went from severe hot flashes, night sweats and not ovulating to ovulating on a more or less regular basis and no more hot flashes.

It gave me hope. I was able to do an IVF cycle – a feat I was originally told my ovaries weren’t capable of accomplishing.

That cycle, of course ended with the ultra-rare, gonna-publish-a-paper-on-it ectopic pregnancy. Followed by a year of healing and sitting on the TTC bench. And “regular” 30-32 day cycles. My periods were super short but at least it seemed my body was functioning. My hope increased.

Queue FET. Due to insurance coverage, I decided to do a FET as soon as I was medically cleared to TTC instead of trying naturally. Result? Another ectopic. Followed by 3 months on the bench due to methotrexate (even though I ended up having surgery also). My hopes of being able to CARRY a child were diminishing but at least it seemed that maybe I still had eggs to work with. Not that I can afford a surrogate.

For those three months, I had regular 28 day cycles. Still short periods but super regular for three months running(!). My hope increased.

And now, the hot flashes are gradually returning. I’ve been trying to explain them away but I know what they are. And while there may still be hope of a 32 day cycle, the 28 day normal cycle is not happening this month. This month, the first month I am medically cleared for TTC, my body decides to go back to being a fuck up. Fertility Friend thinks AF *might* arrive in 5 days. I’m doubtful.

And now I feel like I have to mourn the loss of my fertility all over again. Or at least that’s how it feels. It feels like it’s happening ALL OVER AGAIN. When does this roller coaster end?

In addition to all my reproductive challenges, my body is rebelling against me in other ways as well. My back is effed up (bulging disc that was seen on MRIs of my uterus and has been causing me pain for 2+ years). My knees are now creaking and cracking more than your breakfast bowl of Rice Krispies. I could barely walk last night my knee hurt so bad (it’s at least better today).

A plethora of reasons exist for the weight gain I’ve experienced over the past few years and particularly the last year. Some of those reasons are my fault, some due to extenuating circumstances and some completely beyond my control. It’s entirely possible that the extra weight is causing/exacerbating the back and knee issues. But exercise is near impossible due to the pain. And it’s not like I’m obese, just carrying more than I should.

SO… to recap… I’m fat, infertile and have hot flashes. Cue decrease in sex drive. Which I suppose is handy since Right Guy works all the time and is too exhausted for sex anyway.

Off and on for the past year I’ve been thinking of changing my handle. StolenEggs just seemed like maybe it didn’t apply anymore. After all, I ended up with more eggs in my basket than I originally thought I had. Maybe they weren’t really stolen – just misplaced somehow. Nope. I think they were stolen. Perhaps twice. Sigh.

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