Next Steps

January 8, 2012

Next month I will be medically approved to TTC again. But do I want to? Do I want to set myself up for another loss? I’m not sure I can do that again so soon. On the other hand… I’ve got a birthday comping up. And that clock is ticking. I don’t feel like I can NOT try. There’s NO TIME to wait to recover mentally. I’m still under 40 but I’m over 35. And my POF may be more DOR and not as bad as originally diagnosed but it still means my ovaries think they are older than they are.

But after 2 ectopics from IVF and FET I am terrified of being pregnant. Literally terrified. So what to do?

It may not make any medical sense, but I think I feel less apprehensive about trying naturally than I do about another FET. Maybe I’m less apprehensive about it because it didn’t work in the past and the odds are now decreased with only one tube. SO maybe I’m willing to try naturally simply because I don’t think it will work. But if it did work I’m still at a higher risk for another ectopic. Or genetic abnormalities and miscarriage due to my age. Maybe I just want to save those last two frosties for later since they are “younger.”

On the other hand (how many hands do I have?), when we tried naturally before I ovulated ONCE on my own. So… um… of course we didn’t get pregnant. Of the three clo.mid cycles we did one of them was a complete mess. SO… maybe we COULD do this on our own if I keep ovulating. We haven’t really given natural TTC much of a shot. Because we couldn’t. But now we can.

So that’s where I’m at. I tried to talk to Right Guy about this to see how he felt about it all and what he wanted to do next. Did he like this plan of mine? The plan is to TTC naturally until the summer and then revisit the issue. His schedule will lighten then (his schedule is another reason that treatments would be difficult right now). He said he was “too tired” to think about it.

At first I assumed he meant literally too tired. He is pretty much always sleep deprived. But then Jen(@thisispersonal) responded that she understood being too tired of disappointment. It hadn’t occurred to me that he might have meant it that way. That he’s too tired of loss and disappointment. Too tired of crazy hormonal me on drugs (or off them for that matter).

In any case, I’m pretty sure I ovulated the other day. So I told him he has a month to think about it. And if he chooses not to think about it during that month then I am still expecting a Yes or No when I come to him with a positive OPK and say, “It’s GO time!”

Let’s just hope that I get that positive OPK regardless of what we choose to do about it.

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4 Responses to “Next Steps”


  1. I get it. 2 tries and 2 fails. Too scary to think about what’s next. Husband wants to try naturally for a little while, but with his sperm we have about a 3% chance if it happening naturally. And even if it does? Well I think I’ve proven that we either suck at embryo making or I can’t sustain a pregnancy…maybe he is just to tired of the heartache. It hurts everyone involved. But there’s nothing wrong with TTC naturally while deciding if there is more ART in your future. Good luck on the decision making!


  2. There are so many things to think about. It is exhausting. I hope that you get a + OPK and that things will get figured out for you both when the timing is right.

  3. LisaB Says:

    It is really scary…I don’t blame you one bit for feeling that way! I’m hoping for some good news for you very soon!

  4. barrenlazza Says:

    I can understand wanting to try naturally for a while – especially as you have two frosties you can fall back on which are staying young, while you are getting older (sorry that sounds depressing – but you know what I mean!).

    If you try naturally for a while, you will be drug free, which will be nice for a change! Plus it might give both of you a bit of a break from the cycling, even though you’ll be adding different pressures, like trying to sync with your ovulation etc.

    Whatever you decide to do – best of luck with it – may 2012 be much kinder to you than last year!


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