2012: You’d better not disappoint

December 31, 2011

Goodbye 2011 – don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.

Sadly, this sounds very familiar.

I believe I said the same thing last year after my first ectopic pregnancy and my father’s 3rd cancer diagnosis. Actually, I’ve said this about a lot of years.

But THIS year. THIS year. That pregnancy FINALLY ended. My father died. I was stupid enough to try again and experience yet another ectopic pregnancy. I moved across the country. Quit my job. It looks like I found a new one. I got pseudo-engaged.

This year, I’ve experienced a majority of the the items on the “Major Life Stressors” list. I’m kind of hoping not to experience any more of them for awhile. Aside from starting my new job. And maybe getting officially engaged and/or married. So long as there’s no stressful wedding planning.

But I think I have unrealistic expectations. I’ve had such a monumentally crappy year that I feel almost entitled to have not just a good year but a stellar year. A year where I win the lottery (despite the fact that I almost never buy tickets). A year where I get pregnant easily and not only have a healthy child but a stress-free pregnancy (despite the fact that it would be impossible for me NOT to stress if I were pregnant).

At the moment I am full of hope. Which is good. Right? But am I expecting too much? I’ve started new years like this before. And been disappointed. I feel like I’ve had a bad DECADE. Maybe I’ve had a bad decade because I expect too much. Perhaps I should set the bar lower. But hoping that no one will die (in my family or in my body) or have a serious illness seems kind of low to me already. Or am I being silly?

2001 – Not too bad a year until 9/11 despite the fact that I was living in po-dunk in the Deep South. But there was 9/11 and the start of TTC and the impending deployment of my ex, Wrong Guy,

2002 – Wrong Guy in Afghanistan – I was glued to CNN. Endometriosis pain and treatment with Lupron. Continue TTC when Wrong Guy returned. Only to have him lie, cheat and leave me for his high school sweetheart. And tell me he never loved me.

2003/2004 – I suppose, nothing else major really happened, but the aftermath of Wrong Guy and the official divorce. But that aftermath was ROUGH. And filled with super crappy jobs, no money and ultimately being laid off.

2005 – Pops’ first cancer. I moved home to care for him. I cared for him full time. Which was really rough. But it also gave me the opportunity to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Which was a good thing.

2006 – Grad school. Health issues. Grad school was a great thing for me but it was a rough schedule and new health issues emerged. Pops was mostly OK that year but it was a battle to get him to take back control of his life. But it really wasn’t a BAD year – just not good.

2007 – Grad school. Pops’ cancer #2. Ongoing health issues for me (working, school and caregiving were just killing me). I graduated and found a job at the end of that year. And Pops miraculously survived cancer #2. So it ended well. But again, it was a rough year.

2008 – This was probably my only truly GOOD year in this decade. Pops’ cancer stayed away. Although it left him weakened so I had to step up my caregiving duties. But I was no longer in school so it was less exhausting. I met Right Guy. I had a good job that I liked. I bought a house.

2009 – Not too bad a year I suppose. Despite the hot flashes and night sweats and the ultimate diagnosis of POF/DOR. And the stepped up caregiving that began to be more of a burden than a labor of love. But no one died. There was no loss. There was no cancer. Right Guy moved in.

2010 – Start TTC again. Whirlwind surprise IVF ends in the ectopic pregnancy from hell. Pops’ cancer comes back. By the end of that crappy year it’s super obvious that 2011 is going to be worse. I knew Pops would die in 2011.

2011 – Pop’s dies. I move across the country, quit my job and get the *oh so lovely* experience of ectopic #2 and lose a tube.

2012 – Who knows? My aunt has been in the hospital a lot recently. I hope she gets better. I’m worried about more loss if I TTC again. But I really want to break this cycle and have a GREAT year. But are my expectations TOO high?

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One Response to “2012: You’d better not disappoint”


  1. Wow. That is one tough decade. So much going on. It is amazing to me how much we can endure. and then we get on the other side of it and say to ourselves-how the hell did I get through that?

    I have high expectations for 2012 and I think you have every right to as well. Somewhere along the line we just have to go with the flow of it all and maybe, just maybe, we’ll get what we want and deserve!

    Happy New Year! Go Team 2012!


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