Balancing Act

December 29, 2011

How do you find your balance? Maybe it’s easier if you’re a gymnast. I did gymnastics when I was little. I always really liked it. But I sucked at it. I really wasn’t allowed to do much balance beam work because… well… I sucked. And had no sense of balance. I’m a little uncoordinated – not quite a spaz but certainly NOT graceful either. I did ballet too. Oh, the horror.

But how do you find your balance in life? I’m very much struggling with that at the moment.

In the last year (well, 14 months) I have had two ectopic pregnancies, become engaged (sort of), lost my father to cancer, quit my job and moved across the country. All while my partner has been going through his roughest and busiest years professionally. We moved for his job so he’s started a new job. One that’s more stressful than the last one. Which I didn’t think was really possible.

When viewed objectively this adds up to a majority of major life stressors. Changing jobs. Hospitalization/illness. Pregnancy/pregnancy loss. Loss of a parent. Move. Holidays. Family visits.

So I have a right to be… out of sorts. BUT. When is enough… enough? When should I expect myself to function like a real productive member of society? Because I’m not. Doing that. Yet.

Maybe I just feel insecure because I don’t have a job (although it seems I now have one – I wrote this a while ago). I know I could certainly use the structure of a regular schedule. And my bank account could use a cash infusion. I’m supposed to be the “breadwinner” in this scenario. Not that I really support us but, at the moment, I have more earning potential than Right Guy. And not having a job makes me feel vulnerable. And we are living off of savings.

Maybe I’m just feeling insecure because Right Guy, who normally is not a talker, is REALLY not dealing with anything lately. He’s too exhausted from work. So I definitely have worries of a repeat of the past. I worry that he’ll suddenly wake up one day full of emotions he’s been suppressing – and that those emotions will want me gone. Kind of like Wrong Guy did to me.

I, of course, can very rarely manage to NOT think about babies, infertility treatments and next steps. Right Guy can’t manage to think about them until they are staring him in the face. So while I attempt to not think about all that stuff, he really isn’t thinking about it AT ALL. I gave him until January. I’m benched until February anyway. I wish I could forget about it all. But I can’t.

I need a life. But for the next seven months… I’m essentially single. Right Guy comes home to sleep. And take phone calls about other people’s sick kids. So, in the interest of managing my expectations (i.e. setting the bar really low) I should really not expect much of him. He has nothing to give right now.


2 Responses to “Balancing Act”

  1. It sounds like you have a lot going on and it will take some time to get settle into the new life you and Mr. Right have. Can you find something part-time to do until you get a full time job? This will give you some of the routine you crave. Balance is SO hard to do and something that I continue to work on as well.

  2. B Says:

    If you figure out how to find balance in this mess will you let me know? Our situations are slightly different but both a little more than any one person should have to handle. 😦
    If social work school has taught me anything I know self-care is very important. Take time to do things you enjoy, de-stress, that kind of thing.

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