October 30, 2011

I have questions. LOTS of questions. I’m fairly certain there are are few, if any, answers readily available. But I’ve got to ask.

Let’s back up to the beginning.

Do I actually have Premature Ovarian Failure or Diminished Ovarian Reserve?

What’s my AMH? My FSH? My Antral Follicle Count?

They all seem to have changed a lot (even if they’re not supposed to) so… what are they currently? These are questions that CAN be answered. Although the test results could still prove inconclusive. And the answer to this question won’t shed any light on the ectopic issue. But it still needs to be asked and answered.

Does it mean anything that there was no discernable sac or pole in either of my pregnancies?

I realize that it’s probably rare to see anything anything discernable in an ectopic pregnancy but the idea was brought to my attention. My new RE would have felt more comfortable diagnosing my ectopic earlier if she had seen a pole or sac. It’s probably nothing… but what if it’s something? What if my embryos only LOOK good… but aren’t? What if we pay a surrogate tons of money to carry embryos that… suck? Embryos that don’t actually have a chance?

Conversely, what if the embryos are OK? And then I put them in to my fucked up uterus again?

Which is the problem? Or is it both? Am I doomed?

question marks

Will Right Guy ever take an active interest in any of this?

I believe he wants it (i.e. a kid) and I think it hurts him when I lose them, but he’s SUCH A DUDE. He refuses to talk about it. So… yeah. He’s a HUGE help. And I’m drooling sarcasm.

I don’t expect him to suddenly turn into a hormonal female and spew emotional blubber from his mouth. I don’t even do that (very often). But. It would be nice if he ever had anything at all to say about this. He’s excellent in a crisis – i.e. driving me to the hospital and talking to the docs when I no longer feel like dealing with them (or am too drugged to do so). But, in the aftermath, he’s just… SILENT. He tries to make me eat (which I’m bad at during emotional crises). But he won’t talk.

I have TWO frosties left. And I’m 2 for 2 on the pregnancy:ectopic front. And I don’t think anyone will ever be able to answer the question of how/why this happened twice. Dr. Google is NO help. Googling “recurrent ectopic pregnancy” just gives you information about recurrence in the same tube. That’s not my issue. My issue seems to be either

1). My uterus is an inhospitable uninviting place for an embryo so they run like hell to the first inviting place they find.


2.) My embryos are directionally challenged. In which case they need the tiniest GPS imaginable.

If you know where I can pick up a teeny tiny GPS for cheap, please let me know.

My biggest question?

Should I give this one more go with my own body or call it quits and look for a surrogate?

Can’t answer that yet.

Question that seems answerable in the near future?
Am I ovulating?
Is there still time (are there still eggs) to try naturally or consider another IVF?
These two questions go directly with the first question in this post – Do I actually have POF/DOR? Which leads to the next…

How fast is that clock really ticking?

All the original tests showed that the clock was about to stop and we were racing against time. I’m 37 now and 38 is not far away so I hear the ticking regardless. But maybe we should slow down and back up. Since I had the methotrexate I’m on a mandatory 3 month TTC hiatus. Which I need mentally anyway. Despite the fact that I think I’ve spent more time on the bench than in the game. Right Guy have been at this for almost 2 years now (we’re one month shy). But of those 2 years… I’ve been forced to sit on the bench for… 10 months for ectopic #1. Then there the two “cycles” where I didn’t ovulate and one when I had a cyst. And one or two where we were living on different coasts.

In 24 months, there have only been 6 cycles where pregnancy was possible. Wow. When I put it like that it’s no wonder I don’t have a baby. IVF and FET have so far put me in the hospital and on the bench. So maybe we should try naturally for awhile. IF I’m ovulating, that is. I’ve got three months on the bench to figure that out. I guess I go back to morning temps and OPKs.


2 Responses to “Questions”

  1. kelly Says:

    I hear your frustration, exasperation and pain so much in this post. I wish I had answers for you. If nothing else, I hope these three months shed some light on if you’re ovulating or not. Perhaps take this entire blog post and the questions to your RE. Or, maybe a new set of eyes and try another? I don’t know…I just wish there were something more I could say.

    When you described your DH…I had to chime in. Mine was the SAME way with our miscarriages. He broke down only twice and that was it. There was no talking about it, ever. Oddly enough, I persuaded him to go to therapy with me and when he did, he talked the entire hour. About all of it. I couldn’t believe it.

  2. sassyntubeless Says:

    I feel so frustrated for you!! Unfortunately, every doctor and RE I have ever spoken to has no answer to why I had an ectopic! And I totally understand your pain with all the unanswered questions!! HUGS honey!! My dh was the same way after our ectopic, he was there to try to help me with the pain, after both lap surgeries, but he never takled feelings either.. i think its a boy thing? I am here if you want to vent to someone, now that we are on the same time zone you can call me anytime!! xoxoox

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