I have a confession

October 24, 2011

So… I have a confession to make. To you, my (few) readers and (many) tweeps. I’m afraid I had some not nice thoughts about all of you. I thought I could escape this Land of #IF. I thought I could escape you.

What happened with my first pregnancy was so bizarre I thought hoped I had paid my dues. Between that and the loss of my father I thought the Universe couldn’t possibly throw more loss and grief my way. Not so soon anyway. I thought this FET was going to be the end of all this bullshit.

I was wrong.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I ever thought I could just escape from all of you. All of you who have been nothing but kind and supportive. I’ve never even had any nasty blog comments like many of you have had. No one has ever been anything but kind to me. And yet, I still wanted to escape. It was never personal. Nothing against any of you. I just didn’t want this war. Or these battles. Or the wounds from them. Or even the strong bonds of virtual friendship formed during battle in the trenches. I didn’t want it. I still don’t want it.

(What I really want is to be fertile and one of those women who get drunk and get pregnant by accident)

But I suppose I have to now accept it. I thought I had accepted it before but deep down… I hadn’t. Perhaps I haven’t accepted ANY of it yet.

Too much loss in one year. I’ve been so caught up in all the loss that perhaps I have lost sight of all that is not lost.

Right Guy.
The Kittehs (see them).
Bro, nieces, nephew – all now only 10 minutes away
A new city. A chance for a new start. Even if so far it’s been a bad start. It’s still early.


4 Responses to “I have a confession”

  1. I cried (what else is new) reading this! I felt the same way the 3 or 4 times I was SURE I was pregnant. I think we all wish we didn’t have to wage this war on IF (unless you and me are some truly evil, unfeeling b*@!&es)! What it all comes down to is the need to feel normal…to belong. IF exacerbates this feeling.

  2. beingmama Says:

    Give yourself time to mourn. You may not want to hear this but this doesn’t mean that you won’t be a mother, just that maybe motherhood will find you a different way. I know it doesn’t look like I’ve had challenges, but I have. I mourned and when I came out of it realized that, for me in my circumstances, I was at peace with however motherhood found me. My story is more involved than that but please remember that this isn’t the end of motherhood for you unless you want it to be. Either way, I’ll be here (unless you’ve really had enough of us lot!). Peace to you.

    • Stolen Eggs Says:

      Yes, I know that I may find motherhood another way and I am open to that. Always have been. In fact, I never expected to feel this strongly about having my own. Not ready to give up on it just yet I guess.

  3. kelly Says:

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I never wanted the wounds, the battle or the war, either and I certainly don’t think I ever figured out how to accept it.

    This is such a raw and honest post. So many of us can relate to your words. I’m just so sorry that you’re in so much pain, not only physically but emotionally also.

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