October 15: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

October 15, 2011

I have been experiencing such a range of emotions this past week as this day approached. Firstly, and this is going to sound bad, I find it very frustrating to see pink everywhere. Pretty much any and every cause that is not Breast Cancer Awareness is completely overshadowed. Don’t get me wrong, Breast Cancer Awareness is important – it’s cancer after all. BUT. BUT.

Breast Cancer doesn’t really need an Awareness month anymore. Everyone is aware of it now. It used to hide in the shadows and no one spoke about it. Just like miscarriage. But that’s not the case anymore. And it’s not even the number one cancer killer for women. You know what is? LUNG cancer. Lung Cancer kills more women (most of whom never smoked) than Breast Cancer. But there’s no Lung Cancer Awareness Month. And Pregnancy & Infant Loss get… a DAY. One whole DAY.

My apologies if it sounds as though I’m poo-pooing Breast Cancer. I just get sick of all the pink all the time. All the solicitations at the grocery store for donations. I don’t see people doing the same for other cancers or Pregnancy & Infant Loss. Perhaps I would feel differently if I had experienced it personally (either myself or someone in my family). But I didn’t. I watched my father die, literally watched him take his last breath and turn cold, of lung cancer just a few months ago. So THAT’S my experience. THAT’S my perspective.

I experienced that loss a mere 6 months after my ectopic loss was finally “complete.” (You may remember that my pregnancy loss took 5-6 months – for those new to the story that’s how long it took my beta to fall back to zero) And now I’m pregnant again and wondering for how long. Wondering if this one is going to make it. Will it turn out to be just as strong as the twins but implanted in the wrong spot and therefore doomed? Or is it in the right spot but just weak? My betas, while technically normal, have not been stellar.

Last year it was difficult to honor my twins’ loss because I had just started to lose them. They were dying but not yet officially gone. I don’t think I even had the official word yet that it was twins at that point (at first they weren’t sure). You can read last year’s post and see that at this time I just had a vague notion of how to honor my babes – with gems. Which I did. I wear them on a ring always now. Emerald is the birthstone fro May when they were due.

But now I’m terrified I’m losing the one I’ve got now. At this point mainly due to LACK of information. I can only concentrate on one loss at a time. One life at a time. My father is dead. My twins are gone. I can only hope that the little one struggling inside me will make it. That the universe will be kind to me. For once this year. But with all the recent loss it’s so hard to hang on the that hope.

My apologies. This was really supposed to be a post about my ectopic loss last year. It’s really just a post about loss in general. And my beef with the pink. By the way, have I mentioned I hate the color pink? It has nothing to do with Breast Cancer, I just don’t like pink.

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