Freaking Out

October 12, 2011

I’m pregnant. I know I’m supposed to be happy about that. But the truth is… I’m terrified. I’m terrified I’ve got another ectopic. And all the things that people normally say to calm fears just don’t apply.

“Are you bleeding? No? Then everything is probably fine. Don’t worry!”

Yep, heard that last time. Still ended up in the hospital. Still lost twins.

“Cramping is totally normal. As long as it’s not concentrated on one side.”

Well… some cramping IS normal. Other cramping is not. Sometimes it can be really difficult to tell the difference. Again, I heard that last time. And they were wrong.

“Oh, your betas are fine. A little lower than average but still in the normal range.”

Yeah. I know. But it’s just not comforting anymore. Again, my betas were normal last time.

After having gone through what I went through last time… I know that disaster can strike with very little, almost NO, warning. It can strike with no bleeding, normal betas and a few cramps. (not to freak out everyone else)

During the past couple of weeks I’ve tried to be realistic. I didn’t get an early BFP so I thought I was out of the game. Late implanters often miscarry early. The odds were not in my favor. So far so good on that front. The lines continue to darken. I think maybe I won’t miscarry before 6 weeks.

But now I’m reliving the horror of last year in my head. Perhaps I have a little PTSD.

I have an ultrasound and another beta (at a new lab) tomorrow. I’m told that the odds of seeing anything (sac/pole) on an ultrasound before beta = 1000-1500 are pretty low. My beta should be somewhere around 600 tomorrow. So I’m trying to prepare myself for not really knowing anything after tomorrow’s appointment. If we don’t see anything it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s ectopic again. It just means MORE WAITING. I’m just trying to be realistic by not expecting to see anything. You can’t be disappointed if you set the bar really low.

But in the meantime… I’m cramping every night and I wake up every other night with a pounding headache. None of it feels “normal.” But then I have no basis for comparison. If it is normal I’ll gladly put up with it. The pain is not “severe” – I’m not doubled over and I can still walk. But it’s bad enough that I want to curl up and disappear. This is definitely not the “mild cramping” that Dr. Google tells me about. And it’s the reason my RE is gambling with me on the early ultrasound.

I guess I’ve just lost the hope that all this will bring me a baby in 9 months. And that’s what it’s all about.

My apologies to anyone who might think I’m ungrateful for being pregnant. I know a lot of people never get to this stage and would kill to be here (I know, I was one of those people). But I’ve been here before and not only did it not end well it was pretty much a nightmare and the absolute WORST experience of my life. Having my doctor tell me that my uterus could rupture at any moment and cause me to bleed out and potentially die is just not something I want to hear again. And the fear of having to relive that is… crippling.

On a positive note, at least I have some recourse other than the ER if things go wrong. Before I got an appointment I was kind of worrying about this little Underdog actually killing me. Literally. Since there were so few symptoms last time it wouldn’t have been caught without an ultrasound. So at least I have that in place now.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Baby steps. Fingers crossed and all that. #HopeTrain


2 Responses to “Freaking Out”

  1. BeingMama Says:

    First: HUGS. Second: I was highly paranoid about miscarrying to the point where we didn’t even tell immediate family that I was pregnant until I was 12 weeks along. Until then, I tried to not think about it as much as I could (impossible) and just ride the wave of it, trying not to fully believe it until then. I hope you will be able to let go just a little until more is known. There’s nothing you can do but wait, and the waiting is crazymaking if you let it in all the way (and even if you don’t let it in all the way)! Third: go Underdog!

  2. myTTCstory Says:

    Oh honey, I’m in the same position in lots of ways. I have Premature Ovarian Failure, I’m pregnant (7w) from my 3rd IVF cycle and I got pregnant in my 2nd cycle but miscarried. I have also had an ectopic pregnancy and know how scary that can be. I’m petrified something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy and have had brown spotting for 2 weeks and plenty of cramping. I decided to do an ultrasound at 6 weeks to put me out of my misery and I was so shocked to see the tiny heartbeat!

    So… all I want to say is try to stay positive and take one day at at time. I really hope this is it for you xx

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