September 14, 2011
This FET cycle has not seemed real at all. It’s an afterthought. The protocol isn’t as much of a pain in the ass for a FET as it is an IVF – at least not the first part. I give myself one tiny shot a day and wear some estrogen patches. No biggie. Once the progesterone shots start it will be more of a pain.
My transfer is not until next week. But I fly out today. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow in another state. It’s now all becoming more real. And I’m scared shitless. It probably doesn’t help matters that next Monday is the 1 year anniversary of my ill-fated trip to the ER. I can’t help but think about the loss I experienced last year. But what’s weighing more heavily on my mind right now is… what if it happens again? I really don’t want to buy myself another 10 day hospital stay and six months of methotrexate shots.
I know, I know. If it does happen again we should catch it earlier this time so it wouldn’t be as bad. But it still might mean hospital and it would definitely mean more methotrexate – or removal of my uterus. But that only brings me to my other fears. I’ll be flying back to Seattle for follow up care. They don’t know me here. How hard will I have to fight to get an early ultrasound? What if they refuse?
I’m being silly, I know. If I have any trouble out here I’m sure my doc in NC will call and straighten it out for me. I just can’t help freaking out a little. This cycle has gone from being an afterthought, to a brief moment of excitement, to abject fear. I’m honestly at the point where it’s difficult to even hope that it “works” because it might not work properly. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant are two different things. Then there’s also that whole not dying part of it. I’m not usually this dramatic. But I’m kind of terrified right now.